Fertility Network UK
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How do you pick yourselves up and carry on?

Hi all, we found out that our second cycle failed on Friday. I feel a bit less overwhelmed than last time but to be honest both myself and my husband are really struggling and yesterday and today have been so hard. I’m finding myself trying to sleep the day away and he’s just watching rubbish on tv. We have really supportive friends and family but neither of us can face the ordeal of socialising today. Is this normal. We want to jump straight back in as soon as the clinic allows but I’m not sure we are coping very well. Life’s all about being focussed on IVF and what if, planning for treatment etc. Money is tight as we are self funding and I feel like we’ve hit a wall. At the moment I think we both feel we just want to stick with each other as we don’t have to explain ourselves but normal life does have to carry on. I’m a teacher and I’ve got the rest of the week off but I’m already dreading normality and he’s got work tomorrow which I know he’s dreading too. I’m sorry for ramble but is this normal or should I be worrying?

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This is completely normal, and both your bodies way of coping. I find I normally hibernate for a while and only see friends who have been through the same. Within a week or so we normally feel much better, and can then start planning ahead. Give yourself both this time to eat crap, do nothing and feel sorry for yourself, as that's what then helps in focusing for the future. It's a very hard and emotional journey and takes time, love, dedication and positivity to get through it xx

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Sending you love and hugs 🤗 💕 xxx

(Im sorry I don’t have any answers, the whole process is so hard!)

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Hi Emma

I’m so sorry to hear of your second failed cycle, but rest assured the way you’re both feeling is completely ‘normal’ (is there such a thing with infertility?!)

We are in exactly the same position just a bit ahead of you, having found out our second cycle of ICSI failed in February. And like you I felt numb for a little while but a little less gutted since I don’t think I put quite as much expectation into the second round working.

I’m sure this is our bodies way of dealing with it all and I think I’m learning to just take one day at a time. Some days I’m able to cope with anything and feel like socialising, so on those days I do. But if I feel like shutting myself away and letting it all out then I do that too, and remind myself that tomorrow I’ll be ok again. I think it’s important to look after ourselves and only do what we feel up to while we’re in the middle of such a difficult, emotional journey.

I believe that as long as you keep talking to your partner and facing it together that’s the most important thing. And the friends who are real friends will understand that you just need a little time and will still be there when you’re ready.

Take each day as it comes and I wish you all the best for the next step xxx

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Unfortunately it sounds completely normal to me. The thought of hiding yourself away from the world is very appealing. It’s like being in your own little bubble. I’m sorry for your bfn xx

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This is massively normal. I went to work the day after we found out at our scan it has all gone horribly wrong. But I didn’t last long. In fact just hiding on the sofa for a few days was the best idea. Be together as much as you can and while you want to get going again... try and plan something nice. Even if it’s a meal out to look forward to.

It hurts. It’s painful. It’s hard work. Big love xx

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Love the comments and support you’ve had, Emma. Couldn’t have said it any better. Totally agree with everything.

Don’t think too much in the past or think too much about the future. Be kind to your body, take great care of it and what you can’t be bothered to do can wait, if it’s not hurting anyone.

When you go back to school, go in there and look fabulous with your makeup, lipstick and your style! Even if you’re not going anywhere when you’re at home, be fabulous!

You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone, dear. We personally haven’t told anyone we are on this fertility journey and that’s how we deal with it. Just my mum and brother in law are aware but they don’t know what stage we are at or what it entails. Frankly, most people don’t and I’d much rather log in here to discuss things as we are all in the same boat and understand each other.

I say the same to myself just like Franco above told you - take one day at a time! and keep talking to your husband. I know men don’t always talk much, but they need support too.

We are all Strong Sisters and can climb any mountain.

Love and Hugs. XOXOXOXO

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Thank you so very much for the advice and kind words. I’m trying hard not to think too much... easier said than done, and take it one step at a time.

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We are only human, not robots. It’s natural for our minds to sometimes overthink. I like to watch something funny on tv, potter around the house if I can and keep my mind occupied. I know sometimes you may see something on tv and it will trigger your emotions but again, you’re a beautiful human not a programmed robot. You’re just being human and getting over this hurdle. You can do it and just keep smiling and being fabulous! XXX

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It is very important that you both have each other's back at this time. Also, you don't need to hide back your feelings. It will frustrate both of you. Hug your husband and let everything out. Trust me it will help.Once you have let everything out it can bring your life to normal.Have you consulted the doctor about the reason IVF failed? Maybe you can work on the issue before trying next time. You can also have your finance problem solved. Visit a clinic that can offer you as many attempts as you need within the same money. Another piece of advice would be that if IVF is so overwhelming for you then consider other options. Surrogacy is there. There is adoption too. You can go with whatever suits you. It is important for you to gather all your strength first and think positive too. Loads of love XOXO.

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Thank you, you are right about frustrating each other if you don’t talk about you feelings. I found the cycle quite a lot harder to deal with this time and coped by shutting down. My poor husband has been through an awful time with me. I’ve got an appointment with the clinics counselling service in about two weeks. I need to talk I know. With regard to why it hasn’t worked I will get my appointment today so I will be asking but apart from the fact my age (40) is def a factor we just don’t know. They really can’t find an underlying reason. I think I’m really going to have to think about my role at work, I’m a senior leader at my school as well as a class teacher and it’s very stressful on a daily basis and I need to cut down on the hours I work. Lots to focus on.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply it has really helped.

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I was an assistant head with 0.6 class responsibility in a school with lots of problems when I started my infertility journey. I stepped right down to 0.6 class teacher in a good school, which obviously feels like my career has gone a bit down the pan, but I now work around 35hours per week max (including everything) and have time to see an acupuncturist and catch up with friends etc. I’m lucky that we could afford for me to do this but it was definitely the right decision and it means I can schedule most ivf related appointments on days off as well. I’m sure that if I want to go back into leadership one day then I’ll be able to but in the meantime, all my colleagues know why I’m part time and I still seem to have plenty of professional respect even if I no longer have the status.

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I had a failed IVF and frozen cycle last year after 5 years of TTC and 3 miscarriages. I’m also a senior leader and class teacher in a primary school and it can be heartbreaking dealing with other people’s children everyday whilst going through the whole process. I totally understand how you feel.

My husband I had an awful time last year as we were both trying to protect each other’s feelings and just both shut down really. He will be hurting just as much as you but will probably be talking to less people. Only you know your own journey so keep each other close and talk. See a counsellor together and on your own. You should be offered two free sessions. We are only just getting to the point now where we are emotionally strong enough to try IVF again. We were so fed up of life being on hold that we needed our lives back. Lots of long walks in the countryside worked wonders. Just be really kind to yourself and keep on talking to each other, no one else matters.

xxx

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Hey!

Prayers for you lady!

Being worried is ok! But you have to build a little trust in yourself and destiny that everything would be fine soon.

These fertility treatments are much costly you are right!

You are a brave lady! You are managing all your circumstances and not losing hope anyhow.

This is the toughest time. And you guys have to be by each other’s side in each circumstance.

That’s the recipe for balance and successful life.

You asked is this normal to be worried! Yes, this is quite normal. You are worried because you care.

Never let each other’s hope down.

Just go for the procedure. Life would make its own way.

Have faith

Good luck.

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