Feeling like a failure 😢

[Flossy85]

Hi everyone I thought I would write a post just generally to let off some steam. Firstly I'm all crampy and hormonal after being on the pill for 19days, thankfully 2pills left then I can have a bleed finally 😊

I will be having a scan Next Week and picking up my stimm injections, EC should be at end of the month. I feel like I should be happy to be finally starting our 3rd and final round but I can't help but feel fine one day then upset, tearful and nervous the next 😕

After 9 years of trying, 3 laparoscopies, numerous tests, 1 natural miscarriage, 2rounds ivf/icsi, mild ohss first time, severe life threatening ohss second round, 7failed transfers, 1 ending in early miscarriage I thought I'd be used to it all by now, iv always kept going and nothing has bugged me in the past. Maybe theres more pressure with it being our final round or maybe having severe ohss and getting hospitalised last time terrifies me it'll happen again I'm not sure. I know all is being tweaked and monitored closely this time and put on short protocol but can't help but feel a bit lost.

In my head I go through days of feeling a little excited to have a chance to try again but then a bit of fear about over responding again and getting ohss creeps in and as we are doing short protocol this time I also fear not getting any eggs, silly I know 🙄

Well I know that's a lot of waffling iv done so far, I needed to write this today as feeling really down. I went to my best friends house last night and took along pregnancy tests for her as she was a tad late, I popped up-to the bathroom with her and indeed she was pregnant. I am over the moon for her and her husband but then feel bad for feeling sad inside. My friend started trying for a baby after getting married 2.5years ago and was pregnant within 4wk and has a little boy, she started trying again 5week ago for a second child. I'm so happy for her but couldn't help but feel like a failure myself inside and so mad that my body can't do what it's supposed to do. I think seeing those 2lines come up has brought it all back to me.

I'm trying to remain positive but think I'm having one of those really off days which is really rare for me. Sorry for all my ramblings today. I didn't expect to write so much but feel better for doing so. It's nice to blow off some steam and sometimes hard to talk to the ppl around me, this site has always helped me. I hope everyone can one day have their little miracles, congrats to those who are on the path already, for those who like me are still on our journey for that longed for bfp I wish you all the luck in the world. I started this post feeling hopeless but ending it feeling a little hope. Xx ❤❤

[emu2016]

Oh flossy. I really feel for you. Keep that positivity that you have somewhere and remember to make the most of it. A short protocol might just be what you need this time.

Big hugs and remember... ranting here is perfectly acceptable! x

[Flossy85 in reply to emu2016]

Thank you certainly a rollercoaster but trying to keep positive. Back to the clinic for a scan tomorrow and pick up injections to start Wednesday, this time in 2wk I should be waiting to hear how many embryos we have. Hope your little embryos are bedding in nicely. Keeping my fingers crossed for you xx ❤

[bibi_16]

Hi flossy85. Im very sorry that u r feeling down. No matter how strong we r theres always one day where its just hard to keep everything in. Im glad that u wrote the post and its great you feel tiny bit better. Hats off to u for going through the preg test with ur friend how brave. I will look out for ur post and wish you all the best.xxxx

[Flossy85 in reply to bibi_16]

Thank you bibi, it's certainly hard isn't it. One day I'm up and the next I'm down again. We just have to keep thinking what might be at the end. It was hard to do the test with my friend but hoping one day it can be the other way around, I know she will always be there for me too. Hope your doing well. Xx 😊❤

[Gueritarubia]

Oh flossy, you are so brave and strong with all you've been through! My experience was easy in comparison, but I wanted to give you a few words of hope: my first cycle on long protocol was a disaster with 8 eggs but none good enough to transfer. Cycle two was on short protocol, 15 eggs and found out today I'm pregnant! And still have 7 in the freezer from that round too. So no worries about the short protocol not being successful! They know so much about your body by now I'm sure they know exactly how to tweak the stimulation. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you! Xx

[Flossy85 in reply to Gueritarubia]

Thank you oh I don't think anything with ivf is ever easy we all have our ups and downs I'm sure you've been through the mill yourself. Wow that's a lovely number of embryos and all sound great quality. Huge congratulations to you what lovely news, I hope all is going well you look after yourself and your precious cargo. I'm glad you have replied it gives me hope to hear of your success on short protocol. All the best xx p.s drink plenty of water ohss isn't nice at all hope your feeling better soon ❤

[Gueritarubia in reply to Flossy85]

Thanks Flossy!

I think the OHSS is coming down. Still a bit bloated in my lower tummy but no longer far up. Have the usual pregnancy symptoms but I guess after all we've been through a bit of nausea and sore boobs are almost a pleasurable reminder of the positive result in the making. Hope I can keep my precious cargo safe!

Good luck with your short protocol and feel free to drop me a line should you have more questions or concerns! Xx

[Georgina78]

Aw Flossy I'm so sorry you're feeling so down but glad getting it all out has helped, that's what we're all here for isn't it ❤️ You've had to face such a lot, it's understandable you'd be feeling such mixed emotions, and to have your friend have what you long for a second time, and to be so involved in her finding out, that's tough. Please don't beat yourself up for having a bad day, we absolutely all have them (frequently) just know you're not alone and we all understand xxx

[Flossy85 in reply to Georgina78]

Oh I certainly felt a lot better after my little rant of an essay I was just going insane keeping it all in. So much better to get it all off my chest and put things into perspective. All you lovely ladies are amazing it's great to speak to ppl who understand how hard this process can be. I hope your little embryos are making themselves at home and bedding in nicely for the next 9mth, good luck I hope to see fantastic news from you soon. Xx ❤

[Sunshine09]

Its betterout than in, so you rant away, all the best of luck ❤🌈💋

[Flossy85 in reply to Sunshine09]

Definately, thank you xx

[72cloud9]

Good to get your stresses out & what better place than here!! Best of luck with treatment xxx

[Flossy85 in reply to 72cloud9]

Thank you all the best to you xx 😊