new and emosh

Hi all, So the anonymity has helped me make the decision after 4 years 9 months of 'trying' to conceive that I'm actually not ok about it. I'm worried the laproscopy showed I have a bit of endometriosis. I'm worried they had to put me out because they couldn't get the tube in because my cervix are damaged.

I'm worried that I'm turning 38 soon and IVF is preferable before 39. The doctors appointments take forever to come through. I'm waiting on a consultants appointment to come through to put me though the 6 months hormone boost. Then if that doesn't work, they'll put me forward to do the paperwork for IVF.

The injections scare me, the 20% IVF success rate for my age scares me. I have the most wonderful husband, he would make an amazing father and I feel I've let him down. Like it's my fault.

I had a little break down last year and I'm on citalopam (low dose) but I'm scared if I come off it to do the hormone and IVF treatment I'll fall apart. If you knew me, you wouldn't know to look at me, I'm always the one who's totally fine and loving life. But this part of my life has become a very heavy burden to carry.

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  • Hi Sofia123. Welcome here. I will start off by saying that guilt comes with the territory but that it is assuredly NOT your fault. No one in their right mind would choose the pain, suffering and drama that comes with infertility. It is just one of life's unkind twists, but you are not to blame. Things are hard enough on this journey without making yourself feel worse.

    I can't tell you not to worry because that is just unhelpful. We worry about the things we care about and clearly this is causing you a lot of grief. Perhaps like me, it's the lack of control that you can't wrap your head around? For months, the frustration just escalated... I just couldn't accept not falling pregnant.

    The best thing I ever did (I have also been on Citaloprim before) was to find a counsellor and go and talk my heart out once a week. It was not easy to do. My husband and I are extremely private people and consequently, only 3 people know about what we have been through the past few years.

    I found I could express my rage, fear, frustration, impatience, desperation and sadness to someone objective and empathetic. I could speak my truth and process complicated emotions that I had kept silent for months. I have, in 4 short months, finally reached a place where I am not afraid of falling apart anymore.

    Perhaps you might consider finding someone to speak to - it won't take the curse that is infertility away, but it may help you feel stronger about what lies ahead. I will be thinking of you and wish you only the very best xx

  • Great post country cat πŸ‘πŸΎXx

  • You also countrycat have written so well. Wishing you all the best too.. Lots of love xx

  • Wow, thank you so much. It's made such a difference to know I'm not on my own as horrible as it is. I think you are right, I should seek to find a councilor. I hate that my coping levels feel like they've been reached but you are right, it's worth finding someone objective and to help me work though the worries. thank you so much, kinda tearful xx

  • Welcome Sofia, you write so well. Hope being on this site helps you with how you feeling, in that so many of us can relate to everything you have said. Positive vibes and big hugs for the future. Xxxx

  • Thank you, the possitivity is definitely helping right now. It's a very strange time of life at the moment. Big hug right back at you. x

  • What a beautiful and honest post. Welcome to this group. Anything goes and I hope you find us all useful xx

  • Thank you emu2016. It's feels like a weight has been lifted, even if it's ever so slight. Realising I don't need to be sectioned and that I am relatively normal. Reading everyone's stories has given me the courage to keep going. x

  • I understand how you feel, I went through a few months of being angry as it was so frustrating and as the doctors progressed with there tests the more frustrated and angry I got. I felt like after years of not being happy(my life was great in my early 20s) I'd finally got my life into a place where everything was great, my job, my friends,my family life, my home and I'd found my Mr perfect and we were married and creating a new life together...then bang! Out of nowhere this problem came... so I was really angry, added to the fact that it seemed everyone around me was getting pregnant, I thought one day I'm going to lose it. But I think time was my healer, and having a friendly ear, and most of all a supportive husband - not saying we didn't have an argument or two. But I think time give you the ability to get your head around it and get used to the idea.... now I'm nervous as IVF seems the next option and I'm getting my head round that idea... for me its the unexpected that throws me... and thats whatball of this is lol! I don't think any of this is easy stuff but I do think time is what helps us deal with it better ... or at least me anyway.

  • Sounds like we're in the same boat. Thank you for sharing and sending me the message. Like you, everything else in my life is pretty great and going quite nicely, no complaints at all, I go as far as to say totally blessed.

    What is lovely is to know you're not alone. Never considered to join a support board. I found it by chance. Good luck to you happydaysahead indeed. everything crossed for you too. x

  • I know, I was looking at nhs website about ivf Nd clicked a link that sent me to a website that had this link lol total chance really, but I'm finding it very encouraging and insightful on here. Glad I found it!

    Hope all the best for you!! :-)

  • U r in the right place to talk out all your fears and frustrations. We all know these feelings so well. U will get thru this, your desire to be a mum will give u the strength to deal with it all and when u r feeling on shaky ground, u can talk to us xxxx

  • Oh, thank you 72could9. I'm welling up with all these messages. bless you xxx

  • Hi sofia I'm sorry to hear your worries and your right the whole process is an incredible burden to bear and it's often something we keep secret from those close to us and we try and pretend to everyone else that everything is fine and normal.

    Its okay to not be okay with what we are living with and I hope you can find some comfort and support from this forum knowing that you can share your worries and anguish with us knowing that we understand how you feel and can relate to the worries and fears that come with it.

    I've also found speaking to a counsellor helpful to try and process and manage all the emotions that come with fertility related issues. I've also been practicing mindfulness and training myself to medicate daily and this has helped me so much in managing my stress levels and helping me to stay in a positive frame of mind.

    Hoping tomorrow is a better day you its good to hear that you have options available to you with the ivf and having a supportive partner by your side. Xxxx

  • Thank you lovely. I think I definitely would benefit from a form of counselling finding this board has made me realise I'm not a weirdo and it's ok to not be ok. Thank you for your lovely message will start to be more proactive on the possitivity side of things and stress/worry management. Bless you xx

  • Many of your issues are similar to mine. I also had to be put under to get the tube through for my hsg. I also had a bit of endo found during my laparoscopy. I'm also nearly 39. There are so many things we can choose to worry about. But we can't change our age, and compared to many others at the Ivf clinic, we aren't that old yet!

    I wasn't offered hormone boosting drugs, just straight to Ivf. I think if you pushed for it you probably could be too if you're unhappy about more delays xx

  • Thank you Lizzie, I'm amazed at the response. "We're not that old yet" has made me smile. Thanks x

    When I spoke to the specialist last time she said I needed to do the tube test before being considered, I assumed I had to do the hormone boost first but thank you for letting me know there maybe a way to go straight to IVF. I'll ask at my next appointment.

  • This game is tuff i have tried to conceive a 2nd child for the past 10 years. I think we all hide our problems from people that don't understand and believe me i've done it for years but its ok to allow ourselves to be slightly vulnerable. The reason i'm saying this is because IVF is hard and take all the support you can get because you don't need the added pressure of pretending everything is ok. I wouldn't worry about the Citalopram because you can still take it during pregnancy.

  • Thank you laa1, I don't do vulnerable that well, but you are right it's wise to take all the support I can get as I think it's not going to get any easier. I'm overwhelmed by the support on here. Wish I'd found it sooner. xx

  • Hi Sophia123, welcome. Its a difficult route we have been given but the route less travelled is more exciting. Try not to be so hard on yourself, by taking steps towards achieving what you want is very brave. It takes a lot of soul searching and guts to sit with a stranger and ask for help so well done. You've come this far, take it one step at a time and you can do this!!!

  • Bless you, thank you Beanme. I really appreciate the positive words. Wiping the tears after reading all these messages, husbands going to wander what's wrong with me! ha!

    Thank you and good luck to you too. x

  • ☺☺☺ Big Hug:)

  • Welcome πŸ‘‹ 😊 x

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