Sorry in advance for my post but I need to air it somewhere.... 3 of my mates (2 of them who are close friends) have all had their babies one was born yesterday and the other two today!!

It was the anniversary of my nans death yesterday who was my rock my world my everything and was always the one by my side was taken far to early 59 years old!!! She was a mum to me and going through this process without her is killing me, so as you can imagine while also injecting and trying to keep myself positive has finally just hit me and I feel so angry like you all that i can't just be one of the normal people who can conceive and bring a baby into the world!

I keep questioning myself all the time .... What have I done so wrong that I am struggling to have the one thing in the world that I've wanted all my life!!

Having to be so happy for people bringing there little Ones into the world and right now it proving quite difficult as all I'm feeling is jealousy and upset that it's not me.

Don't get me wrong I'm so happy for them I really am I just think my hormones are all over the place right now and it's been quite a bit of news these last two days to take in.

Anyway sorry for the rant I'm going to try and get some sleep now and tomorrow's a new day!!

I hope you are all well and blowing lots of baby dust all your ways πŸ’


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  • It really is very unfair. I would never have imagined that at only 36 my amh level would be so low. Wish more was done to really warn women about this. Only thing I think you can do is leave situations which make you uncomfortable. Close friends should understand. A girl at my work got pregnant not that long ago and started announcing oh and it happened the first time we tried just like the last time! ! I it's difficult too as people don't realise what you are going through. They don't mean to be so insensitive xx

  • Hey Hun. Everyone in this forum has experienced how you currently feel one way or the other. You feel like everyone else has this one thing you will do anything for which makes you question yourself. It is completely normal and the hormones doesn't help either.

    For me, as I got closer to ET, I started to feel better because I was getting closer to achieving what I have always wanted. It is difficult to see past the stage you are at because you feel like everyone is ahead of you. The. Eat thing is to focus on the stage you are at now and before you know it, you will be at EC stage and everything suddenly begins to move quickly.

    It's such a shame that your gran is not with you but remember that you have been strong so far and I am sure she will be proud of you.

    I hope everything goes well. Continue to stay focused and be kind to yourself x

  • So sorry Emma-Jane-30...please don't feel bad about having a rant...we all need to at times and sometimes it is the only thing that keeps us sane!

    It was so sad to read about your Nan, you must miss her desperately. It is okay to be angry about the position you are in. I am the same...I can go days on an even keel, being quite cheerful and upbeat but then all of a sudden it will hit me like a bat and I will crumble. My Dad always used to tell me that life was not fair when I was a child, but it was not until the trauma of infertility that I truly understood those words. It IS unfair, unjust and heartbreaking!! Sadly, it is still such a misunderstood subject that it is often not well-handled by friends, family and colleagues. Their insensitivity can cause anguish and anger...on my bad days, I think that the women on here are the only ones who get how devastating the whole process is. I have lost friends over my inability to have children...sad but true.

    However, I have no doubt that you are going forward bravely in the ardent hope that you will hold a precious child in the months to come. You are not alone. Your Nan remains with you in spirit and all the ladies on here are there for the days you just can't face life. Hold on to that vision of your child and I hope this gives you the strength you need.

  • thank you for your reply, its all so hard to just ignore it all, when its staring you in the face every where you go.

    i didnt have the best nights sleep was really restless and brain doing over time.

    But today is another day, i have a scan tomorrow so i just need to get back to being positive, ive had my blip and need to get my head back. but your kind message has helped with that.

    people are very understanding on here, so it does really help and i appreciate everyone who responds.

    I hope which ever stage you are at, you get the ending you also deserve too.


  • i know exactly how you feel dont feel bad about having rant sometimes we just need too. my best friend is pregnant and been induced on Wednesday, it caused us to fall out as she was very insensitive about it even though she knew what i was going through. i have managed to somehow overcome the jealousy and anger and be happy for her. i know it is hard but it will be our turn one day. try keep your head up and think positive. im currently waiting for my FET in a couple of weeks just hoping it all goes well. wishing you all the best and lots of baby dust xx

  • oh its just horrible isnt it especially when your so close to the person. i had over come all jealousy but having so many babies born so closed together i just think blew me away a little.

    but onwards and upwards. i have a scan tomorrow so hoping everything is better this time round.

    Im due for EC w/c 23.01 when is it you are due for your FET? xxx

  • it is difficult i wish you lots of luck not long left for you now. hope all goes well with your scan,

    i think i will be having my FET around the 1st week in February but depends on what happens at my next scan.

    fingers crossed for you. i was quite ill after my EC so just make sure you rest up lol xxx

  • well last time mine got terminated just before the EC so im hoping this time round i will get a little further.

    oh so you wont be far behind me then :-) well i have everything crossed for both of us.


  • no not too far behind :) just noticed your profile looks like we have similar problems i also have PCO just not the sydrome and my husband has low sperm. i hope all goes well for you xxx

  • Emma-Jane-30, Also just wanted to wish you all the very best for this cycle you are now on!! Fingers firmly crossed.

  • thank you lovely and you too x

  • So totally understand how you feel, it's horrible isn't it, I just need to start been more positive as I keep feeling sorry for myself which isn't the best. I wish you all the best for your scan. Sending lots of baby dust to you xxx

  • Thank you lovely, I'm feel a lot more positive today just sat waiting for scan sending lots of luck to you too xx

  • hello hon! so sorry for yuor loss...can imagine how tough it is to lose someone you love. i understand your feelings about your frinds' babies, don't blame yourself, it's ok to jealous. I was 49 when I give a birth to my one and only daughter and you know i was the last one who had a baby among all my was hard to see everybody is pregnant when I wasn't able to have a baby of my own. my best friend's daughter was pregnant at the same time I was...

    anyways, you still have time. what health issues do youo have? what about your treatment?

  • thank you for your reply, there is issues on both my side and my partners, im all good tho now i was just having a bad day and everything got on top of me, had the scan this morning and everything is all good to go to start the gonal f, they have got me in for a mid way scan which doesnt normally happen to keep an eye on me so thats good.

  • oh, sorry to hear that. so, it's def ivf...donor eggs? which clinic did you choose?

  • yeah only way is icsi so straight to that. had first go ion sept but the cycle was terminated due to mu follicles not growing. so on round 2 and this time on the long protocol, so completely different this time round so fingers crossed everything works better this time round.

  • yup, icsi is a good thing, must be more efficient i guess. i haven't tried a short protocol it doesn't work in my case but hope the long one will be ok for you. keep my fingers crossed for your success!x

  • Hi emma-jane-30,

    What you are feeling is completely normal, and we all will feel this many times through this experience, possibly this will only change when we are blessed with the little person that we all so desperately want.

    What we are going through is so hard, and completely unfair, and I totally feel your pain when it comes to friends having children ( two of my closest friends had their babies a month apart last year) broke my heart, especially as my first IVF resulted in a BFN a month later :0(.

    All we can do is support each other on sites like this, as we know until you have experienced IVF,ICSI,FET etc you can never, ever understand how it feels to want the one thing we were born to do, and be unable to do it without it's hurdles.

    Keep strong and sending you lots and lots of baby dust


  • Thank you so much for your reply.

    it really is such a horrible process and like you say no one truly understands unless they have gone through it. it drives me mad when people just tell you to keep positive it will happen bla bla bla when actually sometimes its not as easy as staying positive, they dont understand that we have bad days and when they have had a baby naturally its not as easy as that for us!!

    well im feeling so much better after airing it and just having a rant lol.

    just need to keep on going.

    sending you lots of baby dust right back at you as well lovely.


  • All we can do is keep going, and I totally agree when people tell me to stay positive, don't get stressed and want to scream ... LOL as much as they mean it in the nicest way, they don't understand this hopeless feeling ;0(

    You have been through a lot, and losing someone so close just highlights the things that matter. But I'm glad you are feeling better xx

    If you ever want to chat or vent then let me know, will defiantly be doing the same thing very soon ...

    Take care hun xxxxxx

  • awww thank you thats really kind of you, im normally a really strong person lo so for me to crack the other day just shows how much this process is a killer.

    well always here for you to rang too just give me a message.


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