TW Stillbirth after fertility struggles.

[Blueeyedkitty32]

Hi. I’m not sure why I’m posting here. I guess I’m looking for some support or positive stories after still birth. This is quite a sad post so please scroll if it’s not what you need right now.

Our journey has been a tough one. After convincing 3 times naturally (2 chemicals and 1 miscarriage), it was found that I have a Hydrosalpinx. As a result in May, I had my tube removed. After then going through IVF and becoming pregnant on the first attempt, I was cautiously optimistic. I was anxious the whole way through. I reached the 12 week mark, everything was we perfect, 20 week anatomy scan, everything was perfect. I had reduced movements, and after getting checked I was told the heartbreaking news that no parents want to hear; ‘I’m so sorry, your baby has died. Our world came crashing down. On 13/11/23, just shy of 6 months, I laboured and birthed my perfect baby boy, born still. Instead of bringing my baby home, we buried him in the ground.

I am absolutely heartbroken and not sure how to move on. Things have gotten easier with time but the hopes and dreams I had weaved for my baby are shattered. He was our firstborn.

We are currently waiting for some results and hoping for answers. However, have been warned that in some cases there are no answers.

After so long and so much heartbreak, I finally thought this would be my take home baby. Has anyone got any positive stories after going through stillbirth or something similar? My mind has me convinced that I will never be able to bring a baby to term and into this world alive and healthy.

My best friend has just given birth to her baby boy and another friend is due at the same time I should have. It is bittersweet, I am so happy for them but it is so difficult.

I will always be a mother to my boy, I just feel so empty and hollow.

Thank you for reading.

[Hidden]

Blueeyedkitty32

I’m so sorry for your loss, this is so sad. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and I was due in January. Because I had a fibroid and at risk of perforation, I was medically managed in hospital. Giving birth to a baby that’was otherwise fully formed and was moving and sucking its thumb on the ultrasound only the week before to suddenly being born lifeless, is like someone sticking daggers in your heart. I remember also when the doctors and sonographer confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat. Just thinking back to it, makes me ill. It’s utterly devastating and it will take time to process the grief. I’m not really sure how I am doing tbh… just try to go through the motions of everyday. Instead of holding or carrying a baby, I have a box of ashes at home. Today was especially hard and I’m sure it was for you.

I have a couple of colleagues that are due soon, it’s a painful reminder of what we have lost and won’t come to be. I have been angry at times and then weepy. Some friends have been understanding and others… not so much.

just wanted to reach out and say that you’re truly not alone. Childloss is unbearable and the grief intense, I wish there was more support out there, but I’m grateful for this community.

Take care my lovely and I sincerely hope 2024 is your year x

[Blueeyedkitty32 in reply to Hidden]

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this. I know the pain of seeing others due, especially around the same time as you. Please be kind to yourself. I have also gone through so many emotions the last 6 weeks. Any time I try and regain some sort of normality, I break down thinking my life is going back to how it was pre-pregnancy. And here I am without my baby growing inside of me. You are right it is not spoke about enough.

I hope you gain peace with it all. Thank you, wishing the same for you x

[CardiGrey]

I’m so sorry to read this. I know sympathy is probably the last thing that you need but I don’t have any advice as I haven’t been in this situation personally. They are incomparable situations, but I had a miscarriage at around 6-7 weeks. As you say, you’ll always be a mum to your baby boy. However, I understand your longing to bring a healthy baby into this world and enjoy them. It is ok to be happy for other people and still grieving. It is something that we carry with us for the rest of our life. My grandma had 9 live children, but her first baby was a baby boy (who sadly died) and she always spoke about him. Even when we would test her and say “nanny can you put all your kids in age order and remember all their names”, he would always come first. When and if you are ready, I hope you will be able to continue with this journey. What you are longing for is natural and all that love you have inside you as mummy needs to go somewhere. I always think how can I have all this love inside me ready to give to a little person with a possibility it might never happen. I’m not quite ready yet, but when I am, I hope I can continue with this journey. I hope you have a lot of support around you and I will say a prayer for your little boy this morning. Thinking of you. Take care x

[Blueeyedkitty32 in reply to CardiGrey]

Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss, hoping you get your rainbow baby 💜

[Doodlebug23]

I don’t have any positive to share but just wanted to say how sorry I was to read your story x

[Daughterofaking]

So heartbreaking to readd this. I am deeply sorry for what yoj have been through. I hope tou get the answer to what happened so one can make an informed decision the next time. You can still give birth to a live baby after a still birth. Mh heart foes out to you and I pray you carry your bundles of joy in thr next one. Take care and be kind to yourself. You are in my prayers. xx

[Eternalwarrior]

Oh, my lovely! I am so so so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Here is a big hug! My heart is broken for you. Xxxx your angel son will always be with you and I am sure he is watching over you right now xxxx

I hope my story gives you hope, as unfortunately I think I know far too well what you are going through. I lost my baby boy boy born sleeping at 18 weeks and had another 4 losses in the first trimester. We had a very complicated journey and many times I wanted to give up and thought it would never be us who would be able to bring home a baby alive. But I had my miracle IVF 🌈 son last year after lots of struggles. He will never replace my older son but has brought me lots of joy and I truly believe he is looking after us and he made us keep going. Please never lose hope.

Baby loss is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through (also especially after a long infertility and IVF journey) and I don’t wish this to anyone, but I believe it has made me a better mother and a better person too.

My heart breaks for you and I hope you can get your 🌈 baby soon. I am always here if you need to chat.

Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Surround yourself by the people who love you and make you feel loved. Lots of love xxxxx

[Eternalwarrior in reply to Eternalwarrior]

I totally understand how you are feeling xxx I had my cousin, 3 friends, 4 colleagues (including someone reporting to me and whose maternity leave I had to cover when I should have been on maternity myself) having babies around the same time (literally!) as I should have had my son. This would have been his 4th Christmas and 4 years later I still think of him every single day xxx the love and pain never goes away but it gets easier with time and you learn to live with it xxx

[Blueeyedkitty32 in reply to Eternalwarrior]

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. So glad to hear about your miracle baby 💜

It’s so hard seeing others around you having babies when you should have been too. So many emotions to process. I can imagine even years on we will never forget the little ones that were lost x

[Eternalwarrior in reply to Blueeyedkitty32]

Thank you, my lovely. Sending you hugs and please PM me if you want to talk xx

[COAGMS]

I’m so sorry to read of you loss, and hope your family and friends can carry you through this dark time and unimaginable heartbreak. Although we never suffered a loss as late as yours, after our miscarriage (discovered at 12 weeks) we did go on to have twins- and I pray you will go on to have the family you desperately want.

You and your partner will be in my prayers and I hope 2024 is kinder to you x

[Pigi]

Hi. Your story is so sad. I just wanted to tell you that in 2017 I gave pre term birth at 23rd week. Everything was fine, my baby was perfect. All of a sudden I got an infection…most probably, the polyp that appeared after conceiving was inflamated…I got sepsis. The rest - you know…This was the most terrible thing ever happened in my life. The most painful. The saddest….😔

I don’t know how, but we kept on going. After this loss, I had 8 more losses…most of them in early stages…

I dont know how again, but we kept on going…I have fibroids and scars from all hysteroscopys, DCs and other…still, we kept going and I’m now 17th week, with twins.🙏

I don’t need to tell you about what my biggest fear is…you can guess…I still somehow hope that this time everything will be good! It is hard for me to explain…my English is not so good…I’m not a native soeaker…but I feel you and I just wanted to let you know that you’re not akone! You have that strenght and you can move mountains!!!! Just keep on doing it!!!!!! I’m with you!!! All of us here in this forum!!!! We all share our prayers!!!

(I’m 45, and at my 20s I also had hydrosalpinx surgery…at that time I was not aware of possible impact and problems…I also didn’t manage with my own eggs after several IVF attempts…and I decided to go with donor eggs. Although we needed to change the donor (first time wit 4 eggs we weren’t successful), we somehow made it good so far…

I wish you all the best, I’m sending you strenght!!! Just keep on moving love, you can do it!!!!❤️ You deserve all the happiness in this world!

[Blueeyedkitty32 in reply to Pigi]

You have been through so much, wow, thank you for sharing your journey and for your kind words. It gives me hope. I wish you the very best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy 💜💜

Ps - your English is great!