Don't know what to do, extremely sad and confused.

[winniep]

Hi all, my hubby and I got married last year after being together for 3 years. We decided it was time to start a family so we got married. Now he has changed his mind and says he doesn't want kids anymore. Having kids is extremely important to me and I'm now stuck in a sad depressing place. I have tried talking to him several times but he is adamant he doesn't want kids anymore, partly to punish me as I want them so much and that's the only thing missing in my life. I had fibroids and endometriosis removed last Nov therefore I feel I'm racing against time to get pregnant before these nasties return, I am also 37 years old, therefore age is not on my side. I have booked a clinic in Madrid for IVF as I'm not sure if I'm eligible for NHS funding and I'm now thinking of using a sperm donor which will sadly mean the end of my marriage. I'm extremely confused and sad as I love my hubby so much but being African, I can't even consider the option of voluntary childlessness.

Anyone in a similar situation? An opinion is welcomed. Thanks.

[Sunny_skies]

This is such a difficult situation and I won't be able to advise you in terms of your marriage.

However, what I can say is, maybe there is a deep rooted reason as to why he is so adamant about not having children. If it is simply to punish you then you don't need that sort of person who has made a vow to love you.

If I was in your situation, I would do what will make me happy because he seems extremely selfish.

I am from an African background too and completely understand that it is very important to have children.

I hope my advice helps.

Let me know how you get on.

Best wishes x

[winniep in reply to Sunny_skies]

Thanks Sunny_skies, he has said a few times that he is using this to teach me a lesson. I am going to hang in here for now and see how I get on at the clinic in Feb. I guess I'll just keep asking to see if he changes his mind.

[Pookymama]

Has your hubby changed his mind about kids further to going through or hearing about the invasive investigations that come with fertility treatment?

Somd men seem to get defensive and unmoving when they are scared of the infertility roller coaster to come, especially when it requires tests of his "manliness" and ability to emotionally perform for us.

I'm far from making excuses for your husband, but this whole fertility thing is largely aimed at women. There's a book called 'What to Expect When She's Not Expecting' written by a man for men to help our fellas understand the magnitude of all of this for us and how to approach it more sensitively in order to preserve our relationships.

I know that even my man and I have hit low ebbs in all of this and we're such a strong couple.

Also maybe a fertility/relationship counsellor might be able to help take the fear out of it all for him and get you reading from the same page and back on track?

If he truly is doing this to punish and deny you on the other hand then that is cruel and selfish and you should pursue whatever path would truly fulfil you and your future.

In any case, my luck, love and prayers are with you. Xx

[winniep in reply to Pookymama]

Thanks Pookymama, his change of mind has nothing to do with infertility. The truth is, we haven't even tried to conceive naturally as we've always used protection even though I had those two conditions which may be an indication of infertility. My hubby won't read a book or see a specialist as he has decided he doesn't want kids anymore. I'm keeping my fingers crossed he'll change his mind as I don't want to lose him.

[Pookymama in reply to winniep]

Oh winniep, I'm so sorry you find yourself in these difficult circumstances. It must be so hard on your heart and soul to feel torn between sustaining your marriage with the man you envisioned a future with, and on the other hand potentially having to give up your lifelong desire to have children.

I do hope your husband does the right thing by you as you should never have to choose...or I wish that you are able to make a decision that will honour the needs you have at your core.

All I can say is that I wasted my 20s with a man who'd had a vasectomy after having children with his first wife. He'd agreed to have it reversed to give me children - the vasectomy reversal never happened, he turned out to be abusive and I ended up leaving him at 28.

I met my lovely man at 29, started ttc at 30 and here I am at 33 diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve for my age.

All I'm saying is that time is precious and it's important to prioritise what or who we spend that time giving chances to.

I wish you all the luck in the world hun xx

[tiffany6868]

hm maybe you should talk to him more about this issue, because seeing how you are eager to get pregnant is very painful because of the lack of your hubby's support... but why doesn't he want to have kids???? i do not understand.. what does he say about it?