Losing Hope!

I'm not one for telling people when I'm feeling down but need a bit of a boost to keep going I think! We'be been ttc for over 3 years, have had 3 rounds of IVF & the NHS have basically washed their hands of us. Just received a letter from our fertility clinic saying they believe the failed IVF is due to my partner's severe sperm disfunction which is not something they've ever mentioned before! They just said his count & motility were a bit low! We had to pay for the last round of IVF & would never have done so if the sperm was going to cause it to fail! We don't have the money for another round & the NHS have refused to do any further investigations or give us any consultations unless we pay. They didn't even carry out a lap & dye on me before putting us forward for IVF. I feel we've had 3 years of heartache for nothing & everything feels pointless now. We're taking so many supplements & have completely changed our lifestyles. Booked in for another sperm test at the end of this month to see if anything has changed but I'I going to be 40 in 2 weeks & I'm fast approaching the end of my fertility. Got to go back to work now but thank you to all for listening, it helps just to write this down xxxxxxxx

24 Replies

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  • Aw I feel for you this journey can be brutal. We just got our 3rd BFN and so moving on to DE now x

  • Thank you, I'm sorry to hear about your bad news too. Are you having DE treatment in the U.K. Or going abroad? Xxx

  • We are going abroad, we just funded a cycle here and it was so expensive and wasn't overly impressed with clinic. We are looking at Cyprus much better prices, results and seems very well organised etc x

  • sorry that you are feeling so let down. Completely understand as NHS washed there hands of me mid investigations when I hit 40 so we were left with nothing. Have had a lot of misleading or not in our best interests advice over the last few years which has lead to me being nearly 45 with nothing to show for the years of heartache.

    I think you need to look in to this further why they have never mentionned the sperm issue before and see if u can raise this as a complaint. It may get you some answers or possibly some further help if they are proved wrong but at the same time you dont want to wait any longer so I would start looking at your other options. If funds are an issue - would it be worth looking abroad? Can be a bit cheaper. At least maybe getting an opinion form a clinic overseas? If your egg count is still reasonable, then you just need to find out what they can do re sperm. I think some greek clinics even do a free consultation.


  • Oh god, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation too. I am so upset with the way infertility is treated by the NHS, it is so unfair. Pity we all didn't get pregnant at 16 & spend our lives taking from the government instead of working hard, making a life for ourselves & then needing just a little bit of help later on. I heard from someone that fertility is one of the most lucrative businesses and the cost of actually carrying out the treatment is one of the cheapest. Lots of love to you xxxx

  • It is a terrible thing! Many a time I've gone on a rant that I should've just got myself up the duff by some random as a teenager & let the Gov pay for me forever more! Feels like we r being punished for trying to do things the right was round!!

    I've just started the ball rolling for one last try with my own eggs but in Greece but it's still going to cost a fair bit!! x

  • Hi just thought I would stick in my 2 pennies worth.

    We had 5 (almost6) years ttc

    Got refered to assisted fertility after two.

    Did all the usual progesterone testing, egg reserve, lap and dye, checked tubes etc.

    Discovered I was hypothyroid and that was fixed with meds.

    DH has SA done and his count is under 3 million ans motility less than 3%

    So all investigations on me stopped at the drop of a hat as that was it, it was secondary infertility male factor. We managed to scrape another SA for free which came back worse, under a million. Same motility.

    Then that was it, I was discharged from assisted fertility and sent in our way. Only option of self funded IVF. Which we had no chance for.

    Very stressful time and very nearly ended our marriage as infertility guilt nearly sent my husband round the bend. It was easier for us during investigations as it was potentially both of us but as soon As it was on paper it was him.

    We walked away And tried for another two years. Looked into adoption, none of us wanted donor sperm and since they dropped investigations on me we didn't know if I was even working.

    When I hit 35 we said let's just stop. We were getting unhealthy with it all and spending a bomb in wellman treatment for his sperm and pre natal supplements for me. Ditched all the digital ovulation kits, another huge expense. Then in may by this time I'm 36 I'm a week late and I dared myself to take a HPT and BFP completely out of nowhere with DHs 'majority non functioning sperm'

    Now we're 30 weeks ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๏ธ๐Ÿ™

    After the initial euphoria, this left us with lots of unanswered questions, like you have mentioned. Why push for the IVF when they were so poor in quality? By their own admission it wouldn't work? ๐Ÿค” Why not carry on investigations for me? They just said in a nutshell cough up or shut up, and sent us on our way. All they saw were pound figures.

    Your right to be concerned, there are failings without a doubt with your treatment. Like one of the ladies mentioned, you may if they admit it get further help ๐Ÿ˜Š

    Sadly it's a very lucrative money motivated business where families are willing to do whatever it takes. I feel like they prey on that vulnerability.

    Write down all the questions and request a meeting and don't be afraid to confront them. You've got nothing to lose!

    On a final note. - they aren't always right! They said we had no chance and were sat waiting for the best Christmas present we could have have asked for. Maybe it was the pressure being off us deciding to stop was enough. I have no idea. But don't give up Hun. Miracles happen all the time ๐Ÿ€โค๏ธ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ€ xxxx

  • I sneakily read your message while in the office and it made me cry! I'm so happy for you both and wishing you a wonderful Christmas, what an amazing gift!

    We are going to see if anything has made a difference when we have the final SA this month and then reassess where we are. It is such a testing time on a marriage, all along we've thought there was something wrong with me and now my hubby has to deal with this massive shock. At least there is hope, thank you for sharing your story xxxxxxxxx

  • So sad can you not pull them up on not informing you? We had problems with nhs had all the tests ect unexplained infertility fine we got our head round it signed all the forms for the criteria to change and we were refused hubby bmi to high absolutely gutted ! Tried loosing weight then he dislocated his knee took muxh pressure we decided to go private . Who at my consultation picked up that I had endometriosis was so shocked but relieved that we had answeres was so cross with nhs . Turned out we ended up having ICSI because motility was a bit slow which again we were not told this on nhs . I felt very let down by nhs but the private clinic we used Wessex fertility were amazing X

  • I honestly think the NHS are wasting more money by not doing all the necessary tests and trying to resolve the issues before pushing everyone into IVF. How on earth did they not pick up your endometriosis?! Why are there so many people diagnosed with unexplained fertility? Makes me feel very sad to think of how many people are in this position. Xxxx

  • Jumping in here too..so sorry for all you are going through. I sometimes wonder about our treatment too. My husband had his sperm tested..I had various blood tests and the dye test but nothing else then straight to ivf cause of our age and we were told unexplained infertility. I can't help but think we maybe have not had enough investigations to see if wider cause of our infertility ..then straight to ivf which I guess is good however may not be the best approach if there is another reason for our infertility. I guess all the way along we have felt ill informed, vulnerable and put our faith in nhs doctors. I was told last week the consultants were meeting this week to discuss our failed attempt and to make recommendations for our next and final cycle. I then asked if we would be invited in to discuss these recommendations and I was told no..I had to request an appointment with them and this could take months as they are very busy but in the meantime I can go for a 2nd cycle..surely it would make sense to discuss recommendations with me before offering more of the same so that hopefully likelihood of success is increased??? Oh I don't know the whole thing is a minefield ๐Ÿ˜ง don't want to pay to go private but for us all time is often a huge factor xxx

  • Absolutely crazy!!! Why encourage you to have another cycle before they've looked at all the facts?! The one thing I have learned over the last 3 years is that I should have been more patient.I should have worked on more lifestyle changes between cycles and been less stressed but it's impossible when you're faced with infertility and the one thing you've wanted your whole life you might never be able to have unless you hurry up and try to beat your biological clock. So frustrating!! Big hugs xxxxxxx

  • I had an hcg test when they out dye through your tubes..what is the lap bit? Also heard mentioned on here endo scratches but none of this mentioned to us..oh I am so worried as want ur final nhs attempt to be a success but worried we likely will fail again if nothing changes. I am looking at lifestyle and diet changes plus lots of supplements..this whole thing is a nightmare for sure๐Ÿ˜ญxxx

  • The laparoscopy is when they put the camera through your tubes to see if there are any problems and they can then deal with any blockages, etc that they find. I had the scratch done before my last cycle but it was only recommended after the two failed NHS cycles so only when I was paying for treatment myself. Our clinic charged ยฃ150 for the scratch, it's definitely worth asking, anything is worth a try as once that chance is gone, it's gone :-(

    We are both taking coq10 & royal jelly. I'm also taking oil of evening primrose from days 1-ovulation, pregnacare conception each day & Hion green powder once a day with orange juice!! Oh, & cider apple vinegar each day! I feel like some weird sort of cocktail! My hubby is also taking Menevit to try to improve sperm quality. We'd be able to save more for our next round if we weren't spending so much on supplements eh?!

    I find it's hard not to get obsessed with googling and trying new things... what am I saying? It's impossible!!! If someone told me eating mud was good for fertility I'd do it!! ๐Ÿ˜‚


  • Lol true..I would eat mud too. I never got a laparoscopy then..wonder if I should ask and about the endo scratch..cause as you say once chance gone it's gone. I also read that you should ask about vitamin d deficiency, under active thyroid and celiac disease ๐Ÿ˜งxx

  • Will have a chat to the doctor about a few of those tests, you never know! Highly likely to have vit D deficiency in this country!! ๐Ÿ˜‚

    Definitely ask about the scratch before your next cycle, give it the best chance possible. Good luck ๐Ÿ˜˜โœจ xxx

  • Even if you come back with a low or lower SA, something somewhere with us changed and he must have just fixed himself somehow... I have to accept this because at one point I was even questioning wether this was something they had made up to just shove us straight in for IVF ๐Ÿค”The most costly processes of them all.. even toyed with the idea of getting an independent SA done until I decided I was being irrational. ๐Ÿ˜

    it most certainly does put stress on a marriage. My husband still takes anti depressants every now and then even now and like I said in the earlier post it's like a pressure cooker. I was half expecting to be accused of having an affair after being told we needed 40 million live sperm to get pregnant and we had less than 1 million.

    Even if your next SA comes back low - or lower, it's not nessesarily the end. We're proof of that โค๏ธ


  • Oh bless him, I'm so glad you made it through everything, it most definitely was worth it in the end. Maybe everything will fall back into place for him once the little miracle arrives. Xxxxxxxx

  • This journey can be so cruel and I am like you, I don't normally share my feelings but this pushes you past all your boundaries. It is good to let it out because I believe it helps and there are so many lovely people in this forum that can sympathise.

    I believe it is important to decide what the next stage will be and you can do that by exploring your options. I know it's tough but I believe that you can handle it because you have come this far.

    Please try and stay strong and positive.

    Sending you lots of hugs. Xx

  • Thank you so much. I've really appreciated all the replies today as I've just been feeling so low. I do keep trying to remind myself that I am strong, I think we all are, this really is the most difficult thing for us all to go through. Lots of love and hugs to you too xxxxxx

  • Star I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I've read through your replies and it breaks my heart that we all have similar struggles and fertility seems to be a huge money making opportunity for the NHS. As much as I am grateful I got one fresh and one frozen cycle on the NHS, I too felt like they didn't want to explore why we had 'unexplained infertility' and just rushed us through. When our first cycle failed drastically early only a week after egg transfer, I was so upset and wanted to talk about reasons why at our follow up meeting. Our consultant had different ideas! He just wanted to tick the box that said we had been in and ask when we wanted to do our FET. I was his worst patient that day i think as I just kept asking questions and demanding answers. He hadn't even looked at my notes and realised I hadn't made it through the 2ww.

    It was only through reading experiences on here, asking advice from Diane the nurse and self study that I had things to ask about. Thanks to that he begrudgingly agreed to try progesterone injections for my FET and we booked privately for the scratch and embryo glue. These things were never offered or talked about and he even had the nerve to say to me 'I think you'll find you have more success if you are not so stressed about it all!' Oh my gosh that was like a red rag to a bull!'

    Anyway so sorry for my rant but I just feel sad we all have to become our own experts and advocates in this field. It is the hardest journey for a couple to be on and I do wish you every success for the future. Xxx

  • Oh my god! Honestly, what is wrong with these people?! Don't they realise it's our lives they are messing with?? You poor thing, lots of love and hugs from me ๐Ÿ˜˜

    Where are you with your journey now? Xxxxx

  • Thank you ๐Ÿ˜˜ We are doing well as we got very lucky with our FET and got our bfp. I'm now 30 weeks yet still can't quite believe it all.

    Please stay strong and know we are all here for each other xx

  • Oh wow, huge congratulations!!! Thank you for taking the time to send a message, it's so nice to hear successs stories too, a bit of hope to keep me going!! Xxxxxx

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