Balancing big life decision with ivf, any advice? 😩


I haven't posted in a while as the ivf road hasn't been smooth so retreated into my shell a little but I have a big decision to make and feel like I need some impartial advice, if you can help please.

After approx 5yrs unexplained infertility, 2 rounds of ivf, first ending in miscarriage, 2nd gave us 4 frosties. First fet = neg, second fet result due this Friday. Obviously if I was to get a positive it would mean the world!

My dilemma is that for years I have wanted to emigrate to Australia. My partner wavers from keen to not but he is a master at putting off decisions and never plans for the future. We agreed that we would take a holiday over there to help decide in march next year, I planned it so it will be as comfortable as possible, breaking the flights in 2 with a sleep over (I'm in the UK). It means a lot to me as the thought of not exploring the option brings me to tears as I don't feel my life is fulfilled here. There is a time factor as next year my husband turns 45, the cut off for a working visa is 45, or 50 if he can secure a job in advance. Though he should have no problem as he is a wanted trade the application could take time.

My dilemma is...

do we go on the holiday in march but I could be 5-6 months pregnant. Pro's are we would get to enjoy it as a couple with no baby to care for and we can make the decision about our future asap before it is too late. Cons are all my family are telling me not to, that it is dangerous and risky if something goes wrong with the pregnancy.

Or do we wait till the baby is born and then go with a youngster. Pros are the pregnancy would not be threatened and the baby would be safe. Cons are the holiday would be far more difficult with a baby, I don't think its fair to fly a baby so far really, plus it could delay our decision and cause problems with securing work/visas due to age.

I don't know what to do for the best 😒 being a mother and moving to aus are my 2 biggest dreams, I don't want to have to choose between them, the though of either of them not happening is very upsetting.

any advice would be much appreciated Xx

9 Replies

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  • Oh honey, the very worst thing about this process is the having to put planning on hold and the 'what ifs'. It might be worth waiting until Friday to make the decision but at the end of the day I think you should absolutely trust your own instincts and the advice of the doctor. You need to have control over your life and your destiny - especially when fertility is a case study in not having control over the outcomes. Your family mean well but I wouldn't be driven by their opinions on this xx good luck with whatever you decide and your result on Friday xxxxx

  • Hello!

    We went on holiday when I was 17 weeks pregnant so my advice would be to just go for it! We have also flown with a baby but having been to Australia myself I think it's the kind of holiday where you do want to travel around and probably isn't massively baby friendly. That said, people travel with babies all the time....

    Best of luck for your test date! x

  • Hi there,

    Firstly, best of luck for Friday!

    Well I can completely relate to your situation. I too am currently going through IVF but looking to relocate back to Australia with my husband (who is British). I don't think I can tell you what is the best decision for you - only you will know that. Personally, I feel like I have put so much of my life 'on hold' over my fertility and I think I need to change this. Should you buy tickets to go to Australia in March, perhaps you could get a more flexible ticket? That way should you be pregnant and not feeling up to a major flight you could put it on hold? One of the really frustrating things about infertility is that it feels like so much of it is out of our control. Perhaps booking the flight to Australia will help you to feel like you are moving forward with one of your dreams? Only you know what is best for you but I do wish you the best of luck in your decision. Xx

  • Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Datak you are right to suggest waiting till Friday, I don't know why I am stressing myself worrying about this now, but I just cant help myself as I am desperate to feel some sort of control and feel like I am least making progress with one area of my life! Hopeful1982 thanks πŸ˜‰ it is reassuring to know others were brave enough to fly whilst pregnant, I kind of feel maybe the excitement I would get from going would bring positive effects rather than negative, hopefully. MDC1 bless ya, we are feeling each others pain then 😊 So far we have been lucky that we've been funded by the NHS, and we have one last funded fet left which if Fri is neg I guess we will go straight into. But knowing self funding is on the horizon for our last 2 fet's makes me feel selfish. I've taken a loan to pay for the holiday, but should that money be going towards fet I ask myself all the time as I'll struggle to raise more. I have considered putting a hold on fertility so I can go but everyone tells me time is of the essence and its better not to wait as I am 36 next yr. Feels like I'm damned if I do & damned if I don't! I will wait as long as I can before booking anything to try and gauge the situation and my health. At the moment my gut is telling me to go against family wishes and go, tho I guess we'll see. Thanks everyone for the good luck wishes, I'm terrified! Feeling its a neg at the mo but remember feeling like that when we got our pos too!

    Ps. Sorry about the essays, its a big topic for me πŸ˜ƒ

  • Such a hard scenario for you! I think one of the worst things about this process is how much of your life is put on hold with two very different outcomes you can't plan for.

    My advice would be to follow both paths as soon as you and holiday. Don't put anything on hold. If one happens...brilliant, if both do then you'll deal with it and it will be the best problem in the world. If you can cope with this process you can cope with anything at all! Your family will have their own opinions, but only you can decide. No regrets!

    Good luck for Friday xx

  • As people always say 'you only live once' so follow your heart, I know that doesn't help make a decision but just try and be true to yourself and what you want. Hopefully you will get both and have the happy ending xxx

  • Hi Tindog, as others have said, tough times when there is so much else to do in life apart from the seemingly endless rounds of tests and prodding and poking! I can completely relate to your dilemma as my husband is Australian and we've been trying to plan our next visit and tell his parents when they should visit next for months now! My sister in law is now expecting her 2nd so we have even more reason to want to go but like you I'm wary of making a commitment when I don't know how I will feel if we are successful. I would just say though, Australian healthcare is very good and it is as baby-friendly there in general as the UK so if you wanted to wait until you had the little one, the combination of potentially breast-feeding and having maternity leave does lend itself to fairly easy travel. I'm certainly hoping if we are successful we will head over for a month during my mat leave. Good luck whatever you decide! X ps babies don't sleep anyway so jet lag makes no difference from normal and it's worth it once you get there!!

  • quick update, found out today I am pregnant!! πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ so happy, tho my dilemma is even more real now. I will see how I fare with morning sickness etc before booking anything but still have a massive drive to go. Maybe I will get both dreams after all Xx

  • Many many congrats , wishing you all the very best

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