How do you feel positive when it failed before?

Hi all, sorry I haven't been on here for a few months as I needed to step back a bit after my first ivf round failed in the summer.

Hope everyone is doing well or as well as can be expected.

We've decided to have a go at one more round of ivf as I don't feel ready to give up yet and everything seemed to go well in round one, although sadly ended in a BFN. It will be our last try though as my age and our finances won't allow any more. I think this is putting extra pressure on it working this time.

I was feeling upbeat about it all until today when I went to the hospital to pay the big bill and collect my huge bag of meds. I don't know if it was being in the hospital, which always reminds me of the horrible time of my miscarriage, or maybe it's just that reality is setting in that we're doing ivf again but I've felt really low and emotional all day. I'm terrified that it won't work again and no idea how I'll cope but I'm also worrying that feeling this negative and emotional won't help the outcome either.

For those whose ivf has failed previously and you try again, how do you get into a positive frame of mind?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Thanks xxx

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  • Hey, I don't really know what to say for advice if I'm honest! I'm about to start my last cycle too after an epic fail, no embryos at all to transfer! I guess I just feel that I have to give it a last shot, been taking DHEA to hopefully help with egg yield, I'm a little bit excited to start again but mostly scared cause if this is it then.....!?! I'm trying to be positive, in some ways I think "well it can't be any worse"! You're definitely not alone toots!xx

  • Ahh thanks @cinderella5 Wishing you lots of much too for a BFP! πŸ€πŸ€πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ˜˜ xx

  • Hiya

    Why don't you take it one day at a time?

    We lost our DE baby boy a few months back at 17 weeks and my midwife said you can always get through 1 minute at a time don't worry about the next one until it gets there.

    It shows strength to keep going and endurance what will be will be if it's meant to be your story.

    We had 3 fresh private funded rounds all BFN and 1 round of private DE which worked but sadly lost him prior to that I had 3 mc with one being an eptopic.

    We are just going through the process again of DE and will be transferring soon will it work again I don't know, but I do know that 1 minute at a time worked for me and now I do one day at a time xxx

    I wish you well xxxxx

  • Thanks Tamtam1 thats great advice. I'm probably overthinking and worrying about what hasn't even happened yet so one day at a time it is! So sorry about losing your baby boy that must have been so hard and I really feel for you. All the best with your DE, keeping big fingers crossed for you πŸ€πŸ™πŸ»πŸ˜˜ Xxx

  • You are not alone in feeling like this I promise. My second cycle was very different to the excitement of my first and subsequent miscarriage. I started the cycle quite suddenly on an impulse and didn't feel 'ready' at all. I sobbed after every appointment and even during the initial scans. One so much it had to be stopped! I remember the nurse telling me that being sad and unhappy would not affect the outcome and to remember that this was an unconnected new attempt. Those words helped me.

    I am now 19w pregnant and, while still very wobbly, starting to find some optimism. Please don't put any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way, you've been through so much already. Take each step as it comes and celebrate moving forward each time.

    You've got this so keep going, no pressure and take good care of yourself. You know the physical steps which does help a little.

    Wishing you lots of luck xx

  • Thanks so much Daisy14 it really does help to know what I'm feeling is normal and shared by others. Big congrats on your news, that's fantastic!! Hope your pregnancy is going well and you can relax and enjoy this special time, although I know that's much easier said than done after this rollercoaster we've been through. Best wishes to you too 😘 Xxx

  • Thank you so much. Remember how well you are doing just by taking the next step. That in itself shows a lot. You are stronger than you think.

    Wishing you lots of luck xx

  • It is really scary. I'm terrified of a second cycle failing too. As you say when funds are limited it puts pressure on that cycle to work. It's so overwhelming. I had intended to do a donor egg cycle but am now thinking I would prefer to move into adoption. Not sure I can keep putting myself through thus. Xx

  • Thanks katya38 i know what you mean, the thought crossed my mind last night too, especially as my partner doesn't understand why I'm feeling this way. I think ultimately I'd regret not giving it one last try before we look at other options but you've got to do whatever's right for you. Best of luck with your journey whatever you decide xx

  • It's incredibly hard and even though I gave myself lots of time betweeen cycles (9 months or so) the emotions are still there and I really struggled when we went to pick up our medication. I thought I was so ready but after that first appointment and looking at a whole bag full of needles and everything else I just sobbed for hours.

    However I let myself be sad and scared as we have every right to be and you can't ignore these feelings. I also found ways to try and take control of things I had power over-started acupuncture, changed my diet and booked a few extras like the scratch and embryo glue. Although the sadness and fear were still there, I also found it slightly easier second time around as we knew what to expect. Making a plan b helped mentally too, just to know life would go on if we got another negative. Thankfully we got our bfp and are now 30 weeks so please keep the faith and hopefully your dreams will come true. Good luck xxxxx

  • Thanks so much Daisy-Mae it really does help to know what I'm feeling is a natural response. I guess because I've been through it before i thought I'd be feeling much more positive and in control this time. I do tend to put too much pressure on myself generally, I need to take the pressure off myself! I'm starting acupuncture again tonight and improving our diet so I feel I'm taking some positive actions. Hope everything's going well for you, it does give me hope that it is possible for our dreams to come true. Best wishes and thanks again 😘 Xxx

  • You are welcome and everything you are feeling is completely natural. It sounds like you are on a very positive route and I wish you every success for your cycle xx

  • Thanks lovely xx

  • Such good advice as always on here. I am about to do a 2nd cycle too and find it hard to always be positive. What is helping me right now as folk say is one day or even one minute at a time. I have really positive says followed by really bad ones and I let myself have the good and the bad knowing especially the bad will pass and be grateful for all that I have. This cycle I am looking to be more proactive as we went through first one in a daze. I have done lots of research about egg quality, supplements, diet and am going to ask about extras like embryo scratch and glue this time. I also want tests for thyroid, vitamin d just to see if there is another reason we failed. I may not find any answers but it is hhelping me keep busy and likeI am doing something xx

  • Sounds like some great positive steps and a good plan vic77. Please could you let me know any tips you have for diet. Thanks, I'm going to try to focus on one day at a time. I started acupuncture again tonight so that's a start. I've just had the uNK cells test which included an endometrial scratch. I've had a period since and will have another bleed before EC and ET so I don't know if the scratch will be of benefit. Do you know anything on this? Xx

  • I felt better once I started the cycle again... The day I started injections I felt more positive and that I was actually doing something rather than just waiting. I only had a month between my failed fresh and frozen cycle though, this suited me better because I would have found the wait hard. I was more relaxed second time round as I didn't have such high expectations and i just kept saying to myself, things happen for a reason. I got my BFP and am now 18 weeks pregnant. I'm eternally grateful I tried again and it worked. It makes the heartache all worthwhile. Best of luck x

  • Thanks embiemomma that's reassuring and gives me hope. Big congrats on your great news! Xx

  • Hi. My first IVF just failed. We had a textbook cycle with a perfect blastocyst. My lining was really healthy. We used embryo glue. Still we got a BFN. Sure I've been heartbroken but part of me just expected it not to work. After all ttc hasn't worked for almost 2 years and I got used to getting my period month after month. Why would IVF be any different? I want to be a mother more than anything but I sometimes think I'll never get my chance. Despite feeling like that I must have thought it was possible, deep down, that it could work, I mean why else have I cried so much?

    So now we're looking at a fet cycle asap. Tests start on Wednesday next week. It's early days but I'm not able to muster any positivity at all yet. We are having to pay for this cycle too so it could possibly be our last attempt as well.. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone in your fears. If you find a way of getting into that positive state of mind then please pass on your tips.. Good luck with your next cycle πŸ€ I hope you get your bfp πŸ™πŸΌ

  • So sorry to hear your first ivf was unsuccessful. It's so painful especially if the process has gone well. Thanks for sharing it does really help to know I'm not alone. Hope everything goes well with your tests next week. Keeping everything crossed ur FET becomes a BFP πŸ€πŸ€πŸ™πŸ» Xx

  • Thank you x

  • We had a failed cycle in may last year took me a year to be ready to go through it again as I felt negative was sure it would fail again but it didn't and I'm now nearly 17weeks it's so heart wrenching I hope u get a big positive this time x

  • Thanks Rachaelrix86 and big congrats on your great news! I'm so pleased for you and hearing others good news stories is definitely helping me feel more positive xx

  • It's the hope of the dream coming true that keeps you going.

    Our last cycle was privately funded and like you, it's put so much pressure on you.

    We are at a don't know what to do next stage and I hate it..would rather be doing something...

  • Sorry to hear that Hollibob , have you got any appointments arranged or is it a case of deciding what you want to do next? It is so hard when you don't feel in control. Good luck wherever your journey goes xx

  • We had our review after the last failed cycle.

    We were hoping for the consultant to say you should do this or that, but he didn't.

    I was interested to know why they don't do monitoring bloods tests for people that were taking DHEA incase it made things worse with hormone levels and also with having endo.

    He played it safe and said that the eggs over the rounds have shown that they aren't the greatest of quality (we haven't had two rounds which have been the same to compare) and mentioned a 10% chance using my eggs, but with a donor it would be around 50%. The waiting time there could be up to a year, we'd have to pay Β£700 to go on a waiting list. They said with finding our own donor we wouldn't have to wait, but I'm 38 in December...so anyone that we would consider happy enough to use as a donor would be the same age/older.

    The consultant also said if we did use a donor and got a BFP then obviously there is still the risk of miscarriage.

    He said we could go for a second opinion and suggested where we could go. Why would they suggest another clinic if they didn't have a set agreement? I said would they not try to take us as customers and he said no not really, they can just review everything to see if they think they'd do anything differently.

    Decisions decisions....

  • Nightmare, it sounds like you've been left with more questions than answers. I think I'd like to go for a second opinion as it may make things clearer for you. Xx

  • Yeah...I'm sure we'll get there in the end :-)

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