singles vs surrogacy

[Hurricane]

Hello friends!

I'm new here. I'm single , 47, never married, ttc for last 5 years using assisted reproduction. i passed through 5 ivf rounds with donor everything and nothing worked. they told me stop trying but I still want a baby so desperately. I went internationally (Greece). so much time and money wasted. Now i know that they may approve me for surrogacy but surrogacy law is quite strict and different in every country. I don't even know how to put my question. well, do I have any chances? any similar experience not necessarily personal, maybe you heard smth from a friend or family?

PS i create this post in order to find advice so if you just want to teach me and ask me what I was doing these previous 40 yrs, please pass this thread by.

I'm looking forward to any up-to-date information

Thank you

[gin_gina67]

Hi hun! In this forum everyone will support you no matter who you are and what you are doing. It's not like we bash every single woman who has had her life different than us. I respect your choices whatever they are. If you haven't had the desire to become mother for last 40 years it is completely normal and no one will judge you, do not worry. It's sad that you have gotten such amount of bfn and were told about switching to a surrogacy I suppose.. I personally have gone through IVF tx and conceived successfully after years of switching clinic after clinic and also getting some bfn. But I think I was lucky enough to get pregnant with ivf as there are some women who cannot become mothers no matter what they do. And only adoption and surrogacy are left as the options for them...

xoxo

[Hurricane in reply to gin_gina67]

hi, thanks for cheering up. I'm not actually afraid of judging, but i have met so many people on my life way who thought they are smarter than me and tried to give me lectures. yes, i know that i'm different, i'm not stereotype. still i want to be happy. i know that i deserve it. thanks for mentioning adoption, but actually it's also quite complicated for me because of being single. everything going round in circles. hmm

[gin_gina67 in reply to Hurricane]

Oh yeah didn't think about that. Being single in your position is not the best life choice. Have you considered getting married or you do not want creating the full family? I think for now it'll be really hard to find a surrogacy option for woman like you, I am just stating facts. Although in ivf case it's so much easier to get pregnant for women all ages and statuses. What did your dr said after the last bfn? Maybe you could do with icsi?? It has higher success chances..

[Hurricane in reply to gin_gina67]

it's not about my wish to marry or not. I don't think official marriage is above everything else. it's rather about my character

i'm very strong willed and hot tempered. it's not easy for a man to be right next to me. i still haven't met a man who is stronger, smarter and you know... better than me in all senses.

[gin_gina67 in reply to Hurricane]

I totally understand you, you definitely don't have to pressure yourself into the marriage just to be able to find the cheaper and better clinic. I'd love to advise you going to Ukraine to my clinic where I have been getting the tx, because they provide surrogacy for really cheap and also do not charge of any additional payments at all, you can be sure that you'll get your baby. Maybe if you find the man of your life in the nearest future you will consider going there..

Unfortunately for now it's impossible...

[Hurricane]

i've already learnt that most popular surrogacy destinations accept only married couples, but still are there any exceptions? i'm even ready to travel as far as needed. btw, i'm from Netherlands.

[Lady_in_red]

hi, hurricane. it seems you don't wish any non relevant questions so i wont ask. i understand that you obviously had reasons for that. and I agree with previous posters that there's absolutely nothing wrong in mothering at your age so good luck. i'm currently 11 weeks pregnant with my twins surro pregnancy, commercial surrogacy in the Ukraine. well, they take only officially married couples, sorry. maybe you'd better proceed with egg donation? who knows maybe the 6th try will be a success?! they won't ask your marriage certificate if you go through donation.

[Hurricane in reply to Lady_in_red]

hi, there was already 4 attempts of egg donation, dear. ivf, not icsi. nothing worked. they said it might be implantation problem. the last ivf round was using assited hatching. still bfn. they can't explain. each time they stimulated my endometrium with hormones and I followed my protocol very strictly. i don't know why i'm so unlucky;(

[theflump]

Hi hurricane.

Just thought i would stop by and say I.

[michaelgorik]

Hello everyone! My name is Michael, I am new here. I thought it would be nice if I write something here. I too want to have kinds and was thinking about surrogacy as I am gay man. I really want to have kids, I am so passionate about creating the family but for reasons I could not do that before. I know for sure that I want to create a family with my current partner. We are seeking for a surrogate mother but I don’t know if it is safe. The clinic would be better option in many ways but unfortunately we do not have a possibility here in Berlin to got a baby through the surrogacy program.

Can someone help me with this? Can I even become a father through surrogacy? Thank you!

[Lady_in_red in reply to michaelgorik]

Hi Michael

imo, it's quite possible for a gay couple to pursue surrogacy why not? i've seen some success stories on youtube

i bet you too

however, in case you go internationally you should be very picky as to the country and inner surrogacy laws

so surrogacy favorable countries have restrictions to homosexual couples like in Ukraine

whereas in Greece and Russia it might be quite possible but I don't know for sure

there are dozens of clinics and providers there. contact at least one and ask for info

good luck in your journey

[michaelgorik in reply to Lady_in_red]

Thank you!!

I know that this is the problem for single women to follow surrogacy as a lot of countries law system do not allow them to get a baby in this way, but what if I gay man with no plans of getting married yet want to have a baby? Unfortunately I do not have enough of money and yet have found a clinic or center I can trust.

You are right that it'd be better for me to write to a clinic and get a consultation with the doctors there, I may be going with this. But how to find the perfect one?

[gin_gina67 in reply to michaelgorik]

There are a lot of directions where you can go.. I cant say for sure that it's easy for single (yet not married gay man) to be allowed in a surrogacy program, but I for sure wouldn't recommend flying to Russia for this one.. I think everyone here knows why.

[michaelgorik in reply to gin_gina67]

I am sorry but I didnot understand your last sentence, the point of it, what about the clinics in Russia that makes you say things like that??

I hope that being allowed for a surrogacy for a human being like me is possible, because reading your commentary makes me think that I will never ever be able to become a father to a baby...

[Hurricane in reply to michaelgorik]

Hi

Good luck to you in your journey as well

i think every intended parent deserves having children with no respect to marital status and orientation

i hope you'll find the way

[Hidden]

Have you thought about using donor eggs? I'm 44 and had 3 tries at IUI using donor sperm - the % rate of it working is pretty low but I had a go, now I'm about to start treatment using both donor egg and sperm which has a much higher rate of working. I'm also on my own.

My counsellor advised my to have treatment in the UK because then if a child comes of it they can track down their donor parents when they get to 18 which is important when filling in the gaps as to where they come from.

All the best x

[Hurricane in reply to Hidden]

last four attempts were with donor eggs and sperm. nothing worked ;( they don't recommend any further ivfs for me.

i hope egg donation will work for you, Distinction72

good luck

[KimDerr in reply to Hidden]

sorry for asking, but do you really want your future child to trace his/her roots and to meet those who donated?

[Hidden in reply to KimDerr]

Yes - I think it's important for any child born to know where their roots are from, just like if a child is adopted. Anyway, it's by law in this country and I've had to sign a lot of paper work regarding it. I think I would owe it to my child but rules aren't so strict abroad and personally I think that's a negative.

[Lady_in_red]

ok, i know that it's strongly forbidden for clinics to give any contact information about donors.

i don't think finding egg or sperm donor is a good idea.

definitely bad idea.

very bad idea

[Hurricane in reply to Lady_in_red]

I agree. I would sooner or later reveal the secret of donation but I don't even admit a thought that my child can go searching egg or sperm donor. this is a crazy thing. maybe you confuse it with adoption? this is far another story, though

[Lady_in_red]

I agree with you, ladies. I didn't even guess that it is possible. donation shall be 100% anonymous. all clinic staff that provide donation services shall be aware of it. donors do it (donate) for money not in order to reunite with their "further generations" is 20 years

[Hurricane]

hi, I also think that people should donate exclusively anonymously. I used egg donation already and I know how it works. They only provide general medical information about the donor and some basic parameters like height, weight, hair and eye color. That's enough. I had no desire to know more. I know that in some clinics they may give you more information for more money of course. but i dont know why for?

[Lady_in_red]

I wanted to know more. When we were about to choose, my dh stayed more or less patient, but I wanted to know everything about the donor whose eggs will be used for fertilization. Maybe you’re right that medical criteria is all that matters but still – do you bother to know who your future baby will take after? I do. I know genetics matter. That’s why I asked them to provide information about education of prospective donors apart with all peculiarities of their appearance. Unfortunately, we couldn’t choose just one who we thought was the best for us. And this is again due to medical criteria. We choose 5 and then our doctor chose the one who is the most compatible in respect of medicine.

[Hurricane]

Ok, her education – what does it change?

[Lady_in_red]

It means that this woman is smart, intellectual and educated. What else shall this mean?

[Hurricane]

weeell, is this the most important factor for healthy pregnancy and delivery - education??? I think think that it doesn't change much.

IMO, her health and ability to bear pregnancy is all that matters. She doesn't necessarily need to know integrals and speak 5 languages.

[KimDerr]

In some aspect, you’re right, Hurricane. In some you are not. Education changes people for good. When you communicate with two people who you hardly know, can you tell which of them has higher education and which one just school? I bet you do. It matters. It really does. Education has a great impact on everything we do. Educated woman treats surrogacy a bit different, I guess. But it’s not 100% times that it works, of course. We all have characters and psychological peculiarities as well. Our surrogate had college education and she was rather smart. I know that she treated her surrogacy pregnancy with dignity. She told us that when she was pregnant she was talking to our babies and telling them that they are long awaited and that somewhere far away there’re their parents who love them and wait for them. That’s amazing I think

[Katt_bee]

singles vs surrogacy? ok well, quite a thing to figure out. I would say you should have a chance and I hope you found it. In the USA, you'd definitely find help but what the price is - it's another point of discussion. If you have your own oil well pump, you can afford it. If not - think twice if you really need that SO MUCH?