Just a little rant (sorry) but does anyone else get annoyed when people ask what’s happening with their ivf, how they are getting on etc!? People who naturally try for a baby don’t say anything so it’s a complete surprise when it does happen so why when it’s ivf do people think it’s okay to treat this different!?
It’s my body!
It’s our business
And when the time does come, we want it to be a surprise
I don’t mind on the forum at all of course because everyone here understands, shares experiences etc and that’s what it’s for..but it’s the few friends/family that we have told that keep asking us about it! I just feel like everyone’s getting involved in something very personal to us. We have told a few people because I have not been 100% so felt like we had to explain our little reason for disappearing etc.
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kirstyblue
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Yup, totally get what you're saying. I got very annoyed at having had to explain even just the process during the last 2 cycles when I really haven't wanted to. This time - baseline scan tomorrow for 3rd round, we haven't told anyone apart from 2 relatives (one paid for the the cycle) as I just can't handle the intrusion - the process is invasive enough as it is without all the questions.
The one statement I have hated most of all is the "let me know how you get on!" - No I will NOT let you know how I get on!!!! If it's a BFP, do they honestly think we're just going to announce it before the 3month mark and if it's BFN, do they seriously think we're just going to open up the wound and announce that???
However well-intentioned the comments are, people should just stop and think for even the slightest of moments if it's appropriate- there is so much on the internet about the IVF process but then that would be too much effort to look...
I know I’ve been asked “if I’ve started my injections” which is not something I want to tell my friend so she can start looking it up and working out timings etc.
My partner and I decided to tell his mum &a stepdad and I am horrified that his stepdad has text him today saying about all getting together for a chat about it. Errrr no!! Absolutely no way. It’s my body! Our personal life. They can know it’s happening and that’s it until a BFP and even then we might keep it quiet till 12 weeks.
If you cared to tell some people about your ivf then you should not be crossed if they are asking how are you doing . People who didn’t go through it don’t realise how difficult and exhausting it is but they think you will feel they support if they ask. If you don’t want to talk about it just tell them. Don’t get annoyed with people who care for you. And there’s nothing like 3 months mark, you pregnant when you are pregnant and if you told people you’re going for ivf they will ask, because they care about you.
Totally agree! If you’re gonna tell people, what do you expect. No ones writing a tell all story about you, just simply asking how you are getting on. There are much worse things in life come on.
I totally understood. I told some friends about our first cycle but I found that after that didn’t work out that I didn’t want to have to explain what went wrong. We didn’t really tell anyone about cycles 2&3 as I didn’t want to deal with the questions. I did say to a couple of friends that I didn’t want to talk about it and that I needed time and they were really understanding xxx
Yes I completely get what you mean, told a few people, in work as ran out of excuses for being off but then hate being asked what stage am at, have I started injections etc. Like you when it happens I want to have the excitement of sharing a 3 month scan picture like everyone else! I end up trying to be vague and then feel guilty for lying! Can’t win!xx
I also told Work..well my manager and team leader but purely because I felt I had to explain time off. They have been okay..haven’t said much really or luckily asked me about it. Have you found it difficult with people asking you at work?
It’s friends and family that are the problem. It’s made me so wound up tonight to be honest and I know it’s probably really silly xx
My boss in work has been great it’s more just one person I work with, also both our mums know and have been great but one family member (who is pregnant) keeps asking but saying it as if she’s knows how I feel as she was trying for 10 months! I know it comes from a caring place and I guess if you haven’t been in this position it’s difficult but it’s just frustrating at times xx
I really get where your coming from on this. We were pretty honest about us going to a clinic & having our IVF cycle but my husbands family really stressed me out. I have no issue with people asking if we were doing ok but my husbands family thought they were bloody fertility experts! Questioning why we were going to the clinic when I'd got pregnant naturally, telling me Greek women have kids much later than the English ( I'm 41 ... Like I have time to wait ), saying if I gained weight it would help me stay pregnant & even asking my husband about how he would provide his sample. It's highly unlikely we will do it again but if there is a next time I'm keeping quiet about it! X
PS when people said (with good intentions), let us know how you get on, I would say “I’ll tell you if I get to 12 weeks like in any other pregnancy”. If they pushed I would say “I don’t really want to have to contact people to tell them I’m not pregnant” and at that point you could usually see it dawning upon them that pregnancy isn’t a given just because you’re doing ivf.
I think it’s quite difficult to be discreet about IVF due to the amount of time you miss in work. I decided to be open about it, as my colleagues would probably be quite annoyed about the amount of apt’s. They all ask about it, and sometimes it is frustrating, but as they have not been through the journey I see it as them caring and showing interest.
I agree with you completely. I try to explain to them by telling them it is the same as me asking every time I see them how their sex is going. Have they tried at the right time? When will they test? For non-ivf people they just don't seem to get that maybe we shared with them for support or understanding - or to shut them up rather than to share every detail of every step as though we are now tv chefs explaining how to male a child.
I think it’s a tricky one. I suspect people are asking because they genuinely care and want to be seen as supportive rather than being nosey. I did find it helpful being able to open up to a couple of close friends and talk about how I was feeling about it and how scared I was etc and I was grateful that they cared enough to ask. If you don’t want to talk about it then I think you need to say something like thanks for asking but it’s something that I’d rather not talk about. If it doesn’t work I don’t want to have to have the heartbreak of telling everyone it didn’t work. I’ll let you know when we have some news to share. Good luck with it all.
Kirstyblue I totally empathise. However I agree that if you have shared then it’s natural for people to ask. They probably feel insensitive if they don’t. And to us the sometimes matter of fact comments like “keep going” or “good luck” seem out of this world with everything we go through and the unknown and potential set backs at every corner. We all know some days are better than others.
I have shared with close family - my family and a few friends. On the whole most respect it’s a long and arduous process, that does not conclude like pulling out a tooth!
My best friend however has been asking in a more prying fashion and slightly irked I have lastly responded “its going to be a long road if at all possible, and I want to leave it at that. Perhaps at some stage I will feel I want to be more open” and that seems to have worked. However I do realise I have isolated myself slightly in the past year. And that is not a positive.
I do see there being an education role we can play in all of this for women and men going through ivf, but at the same time we are battling with our emotions, hopes and fears.
All I can say is most people know we are brave, hopeful and that is all they hope for us, that we have a positive outcome. Be thankful you have family and friends who care.
In the end no one lives it like we do, but we have to go on, we have to do it for ourselves and we have to do it to give hope to many others that will follow in our footsteps.
You are lucky to have caring friends and family.
Good luck and we are here if you need and understanding community
Its catch 22, when you need support from friends and family, its good to let them know, but as they know, they'll ask you questions.
I never told any of my family, they would be a nightmare with questions, I only told my boss and my best mate mate, that was enough for me. My wife was the same, she only told a sister and 1 friend
Kirstyblue hmmm am just smiling reading this I really love this forum I call it a team because we all have gone through a lot. Well in my opinion if you have done more than one and know how painful and stressful it is then it's very difficult when people who knows asks questions YES they care and it's because you 've told them but some questions are unacceptable and hurtful. I had a very bad experience between my 1st to 3rd ivf with friends and family so was very care this time telling people am on my 7th IVF now and have only told a few friends who I can trust without questions who will be there to support when am low and down and before telling them I sent something I saw in one of this IVF pages I don't know how to download it but you can Google it. 5 things Not to say to IVF patient / your ivf journey I sent this to close trusted friends which I know they will support me and it worked. They don't ask questions but checked on me and if I bring something up we talk and discuss. Wishing you all the best and please ask the other team said if you don't feel comfortable answering questions please tell them you are ready to talk about it in a kind way and leave . Take care dear
I understand what you’re saying. For me I only told the people who I know they wont ask until I speak. People who are around us but I don’t like them much or trust them much to tell them something personal we just kept saying that I am taking a strong medicine and its giving me a hard time thats why we disappeared. Some of them asked what kind of medicine. I said its something for pregnancy thats it! Didnt explain more and didnt have to because this is a personal matter!
Anyways, just remember people who love you want the best for you and thats why maybe they ask. I hope it will end with BFP
I get this a lot and I didnt mind to begin with but when I see friends it seems to be all that we talk about and as we are a large crowd, I tell one person then someone else asks and it goes on.....as if I dont think about it enough already! Im not sure what the answer is as I told my friends so they knew if I was dipping out on things it was for good reason, now they know its just as much of a pain. My response now is "its Sh!t, if there's any good news then you'll hear" and leaving it at that. Ha ha ha I know they only ask because they care but it does get tiring. Sometimes you just cant win!xx
I really like it when people ask me. If they know we’re going through ivf then they’re people I would discuss it with anyway. I like that they acknowledge what I’m going through and a simple ‘how’s it going with ivf?’ gives me the option of giving a short answer, or I can open up and have a proper chat about it. My friends/family don’t ask every time they see me, but they regularly check in to see how I am. If they don’t mention it for quite a while, it makes me feel like they’ve forgotten what I’m going through and that makes me feel lonely. So I’m very grateful for their interest. But we are all different and what helps one of us can be a nightmare for others. I guess they don’t know what will help and what won’t but at least they’re trying x
Hi Kirstyblue, I totally understand and that's why I've not told any of my friends, that and because I'd like to have the same privacy they have when trying naturally. Just tell them kindly that you don't want to talk about it and when you do, you'll say something. They're trying so hard to be supportive that they forget things don't change every 24hours and a running commentary isn't helpful!
I'd try and pull the reigns in and get your privacy back. Good luck xxx
I totally get what you mean . It’s so difficult trying to explain. I guess we all have moments in this process where our emotions are all over the place. I have gone over it in my head so many times how I feel about ppl asking me. At the same time I don’t want all the questions but then I’m upset that certain relatives know and haven’t just checked into see if I’m coping ok. And although family know about when I had my ivf cycles when it didn’t work and was over I had zero support. It was like the whole thing never happend.I know they care and they probably don’t know what to say but I think timing is everything with this. It’s going back to what you said and I too feel I wouldn’t take the questioning very well. wished I hadn’t shared it with them now.
I totally get where you are coming from, so much so that I decided not to tell anyone (at least the people I work with) as I learnt very early on (particularly being in the line of work I am in) that people seem to think its ok to ask questions about what I feel are very personal choices and decisions to me and my partner/family. I can only guess that it is a lack of understanding on the part of those that ask. I have just signed up to this website and this is the first time I have ever replied to anything like this, hope it serves us well.
For me I guess it depends on who's asking, and their approach / which questions are being asked... I find it caring when those close to me (who know about our situation) show an interest in the IVF process, it feels like they are being supportive and making an effort to understand even though they may never have experienced anything like it themselves. On the other hand, if someone goes past your comfort zone and is asking very intrusive questions which make you uncomfortable, or dishing out lots of 'advice', I'd try saying I'd rather not talk about it/please respect my privacy, and move on from the conversation x
I get you completely. We told a few people because we felt we had to especially where we had to cancel plans last minute due to egg collection etc. However, when the first transfer failed I felt even worse that I had to tell everyone we told that it had failed. I have now explained to everyone that knows that we are not going to tell anyone about the next transfer as we want to keep it to ourselves. For some reason when going through IVF people feel the need to know everything and you do have to put boundaries in place xx
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