44 and just failed IVF cycle - no eggs

Im New to this site so hello everyone.

Devastated to not even make it as far as transfer on first natural cycle IVF. The follicle they were focussed on was a really healthy size, my lining amazing! but no egg in that follicle or the smaller one! due back for consult on wednesday but thinking that they are going to tell me donor egg is now only option.I know this is realistic at my age but just struggling to get my head round it.

I know my AMH is low but is it likely if they tried another cycle I'd still have the same outcome?

Can't afford to keep throwing money at this but so desperately wanted that genetic link to my child x

32 Replies

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  • Hey

    I'm 38 and also considering donor eggs. I figure, it's a better shell than I can give, I'll carry it, it's my blood, nutrients, Love and care that makes it possible. The bond will be there.

    Donor sperm.... Can't get my head round and hubby isn't happy. He wouldn't have the 9 month connection I would :(

    If it's your best shot, and you want to be a mummy, and you know you have so much love to give, do it.

    I also believe if it's for you, it won't pass you by.

    Stay in touch, lots of positivity your way x

  • thank u for such a positive reply losinghopefast77. Do you have to do both donor egg & sperm then? I know its true that we get to have the 9 months bonding so it must be easier for women. I guess i just never felt a massive urge to carry a baby inside me, I just wanted to be a mum but partner will not even enter a discussion re adoption so that limits our options.

    i think your if donor sperm the only option your hubby will see in time that that child will grow with both your sense of morals, your kindness, your personality traits will rub off to bring that familiarity.

    I am wondering if whether they suggest one more go with own eggs if it is even worth the gamble as even donor egg doesnt always work so still may need to finance that a few times x

    Please keep me posted on your way foreward x

  • Hi I am in a similar situation I am 37 low amh and a poor responder, last cycle I got 2 eggs and only one fertilised and it was a failed cycle. The clinic have recommended donor eggs and I happy to try that I have got my head round it. But I wanted one last try with my own eggs so using my last NHS go to try and if it fails we will pay and try donor eggs xx 

  • U r so lucky to have the opportunity with the NHS. They started testing me and everything took so long that I went over the age limit while they were still testing and they basically abandoned me. We just didn't have the funds back then to go it alone. I really hope for you that your last shot with own eggs works for you but its great you have got your head around going donor route should it be required. Can I ask how you got to that head space? - I am really struggling with it...

  • We are very lucky to have 2 attempts on the NHS but feel the system is so unfair for others not getting the same opportunities 😢

    With the donor eggs I just figure that the odds are stacked against us but I know I want to be a mummy, so if that's the only way then I will happily take it. I have read a lot about it and also watched a lot on YouTube about couples using donor eggs and donor conceived children really interesting have a look.

    Also you don't have to make it common knowledge to others if you choose not to and they can match a donor to look like you, eye colour, skin tone, hair etc then as you raise a child you help mould their personality, mannerisms etc which would be like yours and your husbands.

    Hope this helps xxx

  • Thank u Button. I didnt even think of YouTube-I will have a look.Would be interesting to see people's feedback on that.

    I think its something I would share as Ive never been very good at keeping things to myself and a lot of my friends already know it is an option that was put before me.

    I guess me and my partner have to work out how much we really want this. I have a partner who doesnt express feelings very easily - I know he is not a rare breed in that sense but makes it soooo hard to work towards a decision!lol!x

  • I have been open with family and close friends that we might need to use DE and everyone has been supportive. Also if you do use DE they make you see a councillor for support so this might be good for your partner. Most men aren't that great at expressing how they feel and even though it doesn't always feel like it they do take everything in and find info out for themselves he's probably just getting his own head round it xx

  • Thank u for all your advice Button.its so helpful to hear other people's situations when working thru this.x

  • Defo no Probs!! It's such a roller coaster to be on. Good luck with whatever you choose xx

  • Hi Cloud,

    I was 41 on my first cycle of IVF with my own eggs.  I had 2 follicles which contain 2 eggs but unfortunately they didn't fertilise.  At the follow up appointment we had the discussion about donor eggs, but to be honest I had already been researching and had made up my mind before the consultation.  At my age the percentage of ivf working with own eggs was less than 15% , and we just didn't have an unlimited funds to go another many rounds.

    But you never know, You could be successful on your second round, and If you feel you need to do another cycle, then you should consider doing it.

    I am now 43, nearly 44 have  had 2 further cycles, 1 fresh and 1 frozen transfer with donors eggs.  I am a very happy mummy to be, am due in around 5 weeks and this little bubba definitely feels like my own.  The love and bond is already there.  I am so thankful that I could be a mummy with donors eggs, as without donor eggs I don't think it would've been possible.

    Wishing you all the luck in the world!

    Jx

  • Hi J, thanks ever so much for your message.Congratulations on your soon to be mummyhood!! This is exactly why I am not sure whether to try once more with own eggs as I didnt even get any eggs to try and fertilise. We probably can manage 2 more gos BUT if I try once more with own eggs and it fails and then try once with donor egg and it fails, theres nothing left so it might be better to go 2 attempts at donor.Its so stressful gambling with the possibility of motherhood! You sound completely at peace with going the donor egg route and I wondered could I ask if you did feel strange about it at first and if so, when did it all click in to place for you? Also have you told friends and family? I feel it's not something I could keep to myself x

  • Hi Cloud,

    It didn't take me long to get my head around donor eggs.  Although, I was upset that i couldn't use my own eggs, But  I so wanted to be a mummy and this was the only route;  Using my own eggs around 15%, using de 50% success rate.  I am carrying this child, will give birth, love and nurture this little bubba.  I really don't have an issue that I needed a little help at the start.  As far as telling others about using de, I have only told some close friends and some family members, and only those who actually understand IVF..most people that fall pregnant easily don't understand IVF.  Friends and family are just so happy that I can be a mother :-)

    My OH on the other hand is a very closed when it comes to personal stuff, so hasn't told many people, not even that we had IVF, but was OK with me having support.  

    We went  abroad for treatment and were matched with a donor with similar height, eye colour and blood type, nothing else seemed important. 

    Jx

  • Thank u J for giving me an insight in2 your very personal choices-it's such a great help and so nice how open people are on this site. It really helps me to offload but also get advice when I can't really talk this thru easily with my OH.i suppose at this stage I need to question how much we really want this! I do sometimes doubt the strength of my desire (& definitely doubt my OH's) yet despite self esteem issues I have no issue knowing I'll be a great mum! It's so weird how my mind works!! x

  • I understand about the DE but that's a stepping stone... You carry and feed the baby from your womb, you give birth to the baby, you nurture the baby and grow the baby there is no other ties other than it wasn't your egg.

    I used DE currently Almost 8'weeks all going ok at the moment and that's after 4 failed fresh cycles using my own eggs.

    So it's my partners sperm and my baby no other way I see it...

    Before you shut it down think about it 

    Wishing you all the luck with whatever you decide xxx

  • Thank u TamTam & congratulations on your pregnancy x

  • Hi cloud , 

    I am 39 years old and had a few years of fertility tests . After 3 years of TTC I miraculously had a spontaneous pregnancy which sadly resulted in miscarriage at 7 weeks ... This was nearly 2 years ago . I had a laparoscopy which was all good then I was referred to st Mary's hospital where they ran more tests . 

    AMH and follicle count was ridiculously low and the doctor told me I'd probably never have a child unless with a donor egg but the hospital were unable to find me a donor . He made it sound like it was buying a packet of biscuits and was I able to find my own donor . This was 6 months ago and I was absolutely heartbroken !!! 

    Anyway I have been to my gp and now been referred to a private clinic where they provide donor eggs . It took a lot to get my head around but the baby does grow in you and they even say it can get some of your DNA and it will be with my husbands sperm which is also fine . 

    I've started my treatment only 2 days ago but trying to keep positive !!!! The odds are more likely for a successful pregnancy they say (40-50% ) success rate , rather than a possible 2%-10% with my own eggs . I am aware it's not guaranteed but taking one day at a time ! 

    I would definitely look into it though . Xxx

  • Thank u Leah.we have been on similar journey. I also miscarried at 7 weeks 2 years ago! I think that's y I left it so long to get help as everyone kept saying well u can obviously get pregnant so I just kept thinking it would happen. 

    I think it would be so much easier if my OH was more open with his feelings! If he said to me, I want a future with children in it, my decision would be made. But he pretty much, I think, just wants whatever makes me happy, either way.I've tried to explain to him that's not how it works-we both need to want this in order to move forward.

    It might be easier after the consultation on Wednesday I guess to know.

    Are you doing your treatment in the UK or abroad?

    Wishing you all the best for a BFP with this cycle xxxx

  • Hi

    The decision to use donor eggs is hard but for me I saw it as my only option. I'm 43 and at 40 we started ttc my GP was excellent and did bloods on me straightaway because of my age and they immediately showed early menopause. To cut a very long story short 14 months ago had my first fresh cycle with DE and was amazed it worked I was pregnant but unfortunately I miscarried. We have had a further frozen and fresh cycle all BFN. Further treatments delayed as the clinic wanted me to have another hysteroscopy and I'm now day 3 into my current round of treatment to have my frozen embryo transferred. I know it's a donor egg but I see it very much as my embryo and when pregnant I bonded straightaway, it's been very hard moving on from the miscarriage. 

    The success rate with DE is as others have said significantly better than with your own eggs and as midwife I know the risk of miscarriage with your own eggs is much higher as is the risk of chromosomal abnormality such as Downs, these were factors that meant DE was the only option for us. 

    We have only told immediately family and a couple of colleagues at work know. We have no plans to tell our friends.

    Good luck with your future treatments 

    Becks

  • Thank u Becks. Really helpful hearing your story.im so sorry that you had to experience a miscarriage.its a heart wrenching experience. I really wish u the best of luck with this current cycle! X

  • Yes go to your consultation and as someone else mentioned there is councillinh available also . It took my husband a while to talk with a stranger as he also struggles to open up . I did get CCG funding through the NHS for 1 paid IVF cycle only which I am grateful for . We are having treatment in the uk but I do hear of people going abroad as have heard it's cheaper . I wish you all the best too ,  but definitely look into it xxx

  • Thank u Leah. Yes I'm hoping he will agree to the counselling as it may help. I think if we decide to proceed,We'll decide on UK or abroad once more aware of the cost difference as we only have limited funds now -I'd love abroad as I think a likeness would be more apparent as I look quite Spanish but I do prefer that going via UK means I could give my child the option of tracing their genetic roots if they so wished x

  • sorry to hear, hope you have good counselling.

  • Hi 72cloud9, I am sorry to know yr story. In case you have decided to move on to de abroad, I could recommend looking at fertilityfriends, eggdonationfriends and fertilityclinicsabroad. You would find various info, articles, discounted treatment offers, stats, comments and reviews. You might also find interesting these : http://w*w.placidway.com/article/1749/10-Steps-to-Find-the-Best-Fertility-Treatment-in-Europe and https://w*w.modernghana.com/lifestyle/8674/15-tips-for-choosing-an-ivf-clinic.html Best wishes xx

  • Thank you so much nick nick, that's so helpful-I will b sure to look at these x

  • keep my fingers and toes crossed for yr positive outcome xx

  • I'm 44 and have recently been to see my consultant - I'm about to go for donor eggs and sperm as I was told that the chances of using my own eggs would be such a low chance of working.  It took me a while to get my head around it but I'm ok now, some of the DNA does go over to the baby so your baby could end up looking like you!

    You don't have to use both you could just go for donor eggs.

    Good luck to you x

  • Thank u Distinction. I also read about some DNA crossover so that does help. I'm glad to meet another 44 year old on this journey.a few of my friends who's children are already schooled are asking am I sure as they feel they couldn't do it at this age! Easy 4 them to say when they have their family already x

    The clinic are happy with my partners sperm but he is 12 yrs younger than me so his fertility health a lot better! Sometimes I think it's not fair that he gets to have the genetic link & I don't!! Pointless thinking that way I know!!

    I wish u the best of luck on your journey xxx

  • Well I'm doing the journey on my own - I don't have a partner!  I know it's going to be hard but there is a lot of help out there.  By all means if you want to keep in touch then do.

    Yes it's easy for others to comment when they aren't in the same situation and I think that I need to do all I can so that I have no regrets later.

    If you go for donor eggs, then the baby will have your blood and some of your characteristics so I think that's got to be worth something, at least it's a chance of having a baby and the percentage rate goes up to 65%!  I think a chance is better than not at all x

  • Ah well done u!! And why not!? bloody brilliant! U r so right, u don't want to have any regrets & we r so lucky that we r in an age where progress has made these options available to us. In fact even realising that just from what you have said makes me realise I'd b foolish not to take advantsge of this opportunity!!Maybe we can offer each other a bit of support on this journey! Hope we both get lucky xxx

  • By all means send me a message and keep in touch or I'm on FaceBook.  I go back at the end of this month, to see the counsellor and have a medical consultation and should be given a match for an egg donor then - characteristic form was sent as to what colour eyes, hair, build that type of thing.  I've decided to keep the same sperm donor as before and the only reason I'm having to use a sperm donor is because I've had a lot of horrible relationships.  This way if I can have a baby first, there is no pressure on meeting someone to have children straight away! x

  • So not long now b4 it's all happening for u! 

    Think u are definitely doing the right thing! 1 of my friends is with a horrible guy & im sure it's bcos of the pressure she felt to have a baby due to age! Just not worth it!!

    Definitely keep in touch x

  • Going through treatment is such a hard thing though with all the waiting and emotional stress of it all.  I find sometimes I have a bit of a down time and wonder if I'm going to be able to cope with it or not and then I end up going along with the appointments anyway! x

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