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Fertility Network UK
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Am I right to be extremely hurt by my partners shameful boasting?

I've been with my partner just shy of four years as with all relationships we have not been without problems. Though for the most part nothing that I would notice as an obvious strain. To fast forward earlier this morning whilst I was on my laptop I noticed my partners facebook page open. Being the naturally inquisitive person that I am, I decided to snoop around. Now this where the problem stems from.

I cam upon an instant message sent from him to a friend whereby my partner was happily boasting that if I was indeed infertile that he would and I quote 'happily leave me as no-one is going to stand in his way of his children.' To add insult to injury I also came across a post whereby in no uncertain terms he professed his undying love towards his godson listing him as his only priority. Now naturally these few messages have me taken aback and extremely hurt. Something which he seemingly cannot understand. Choosing instead to attack my past indiscretions which occurred at the infancy of our relationship (harmless and often friendly messages to my ex.)

To make matters more complicated neither of us have currently been tested in terms of our fertility but at the same time have been unable to conceive.

So my questions to you is am I simply overreacting and what should I do next?

(P.S I appreciate you guys for taking the time to read this rather long winded piece)

6 Replies

Wow. ...

First if all... (to make it as fair as possible) you know you shouldn't have been snooping.... but you've seen those messages now. ... is there a chance he doesn't mean these things and would be mortified if he knew you knew? Is it a male bravado thing with his mates? It doesn't make it right but fertility issues can bring out the worst in people sometimes.

That said....if the answer is no it isn't bravado.... I think your partner is completely insensitive, selfish and horrible to say those things!!! I'd be so hurt and think you're not overreacting. I wouldn't be able to keep quiet about it and would have to confront him. Ivf is a huge journey to go on and you both need to be on the same page before you start. It's also interesting that he thinks he doesn't have a problem. What would happen if your results came back fine and his not? How would you feel?

It's ultimately not down to who has the problem. ...it's how you work through it to overcome it. Neither of you should feel guilty about having fertility issues and the other partner should be supportive and understanding....not pig headed and downright selfish! It might be that you both have an issue. Either way I would address this before you get the results back, point out how insensitive he's being and that if it were the other way round how would he feel then?

I hope you can work through this but ultimately stay strong and don't be talked down because you're not overreacting and yes you shouldn't have snooped but it's past that now and might be a good thing that you see him for who he is before starting IVF. Good luck xx


What a git!!!!!

If I were you if kick him to the kerb and find someone who really values you for you.

A man who really loves you loves all of u fertility and all. You're in it together.

You sound like you have your head screwed on. You are worth more than this.

If you don't value yourself noone else will.

I wouldn't consider Ivf if I wasn't 110% sure my husband was with me all the way. It's just to hard.

Oooh his posts make me so mad :(


Oh dear...

I think that the messages are clearly very hurtful. You don't necessarily need to tell your partner you've seen them but maybe you should have a chat about how you would both feel if you discovered that the route of your fertility problems belonged to one of you.

Before we had our tests I was frightened that if the route of our infertility was my 'fault' that my hubby would leave me. When we discussed it it turned out he had the same fear. Of course, neither of us wanted to leave the other! By discussing it we were both able to reassure each other that wasn't the case. All either of us wanted was to have a baby together.

Infertility is not anyone's 'fault'. None of us want to be in this position and none of us are to blame regardless of the test results. Your partner may just be worried the issue is at his end and expressing his emotions very badly! Either way, you're embarking on a very stressful and emotional journey and you need to feel like your partner is there for you come rain or shine!

Good luck x


Hmmmm hard one as you shouldn't have snooped but we are women.

Broach the subject in a way that you want to be open and honest and say if..... What.....how.....

Tell him it's best to be open so we all are on the same page.

Hope that works 😘

1 like

My God, vicsi, poor thing! I cannot find the appropriate word for that your "par.." did. It's so disgusting I cannot react calmly. Weak creatures women have to survive all sorts of dreadful things concerning fertility issues. And this is not the point to be bulled at!

I think you've chosen not the right person to go through this road, excuse me but this is exactly what I think. A loving and caring man must be supportive. He must be a helping hand for you and the person you can lean on in every difficult situation. My dear, lovely vicsi, this is not the deal you hide your emotions and try to find out what's going on secretly!

You haven't done any tests yet. Who knows maybe the reason is in him? So before you haven't got the things clarified just stop panicking. The only important thing here is your desire to conceive, am I right? And whether you partner understands the matter or not, you will be blessed to have a small baby - that's the point. I'm really, really sorry men cannot feel the same we feel when having trouble conceiving! If only they could feel this mix of feelings driving you mad! They won't be so cruel typing hurtful things for everybody to read.

I wish you all the best in the world, dear. Just excuse me if I sounded rough at moments. But I'm not sure this is the situation a strong family should be started in xx


As others have said, he either didn't mean those things how they've come out and covering his real feelings (in a very inappropriate and cruel manor in my opinion), or he's not the right guy for you, or any other lady for that matter!!

I'm sure he'll say you shouldn't have been snooping, which of course I agree, but I ask myself why you felt you needed to. I'm naturally quite nosey lol, but I've never felt the need to check other half's private messages, so I wonder if this is something that's been subconsciously maybe playing on your mind? How you discuss this, how much you admit to is obviously your choice, but it's gonna come up honey at some point! Best to do it now before you get to treatment stages! Obviously that's a way off so you may want testing done to rule out anything or get treatment for something etc, but the man who is trying to have a family with me publicly announced his godson was "his only priority", ooh dear god he'd be sorry! How dare he say that, especially publicly!

I've been with my partner for over 16yrs, so we've been through a lot of sh*t together, but never once has either of us said, if it's their fault I'm out! My other half has too many antibodies, that's our fertility issue, you'd never have a clue of it til you were tested. I've never never once thought, well I might as well go get myself knocked up by someone else, and I've never thought of it as "his problem". It's our fertility issue, and we're fighting it together. There's no way in this world I could have survived the past 10yrs without him.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, and I truly, truly hope you get your miracle soon in the happy loving environment you deserve

Take care Xxxxx


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