sperm donor concerns

[Grassfields]

Hi everyone,

My partner has been diagnosed with Azoospermia and had mTESE without success, it’s heartbreaking but it looks like the end of the road for us to naturally conceive together.

We have our consultant appointment this week to discuss the sperm donor route and hopefully lots of our Qs will be answered and it might help us make the final decision.

I guess my concern really relates to how my partner is likely to cope through all this. We’ve had the Azoospermia diagnosis for several months but I can see my partner is still really sad about the finality of it all. We watch films and there will be something about a dad and a kid and I can see that it’s making him sad. My concern is that he will always have these feelings and using a sperm donor might make them worse. I know I have to give him time and space to grieve in his own way but I’d be interested in hearing from others who may have faced the same thing and what decision they eventually took and whether they have any regrets. I’m mindful to give us more time to process it all however I’m 38 and don’t feel we have that luxury.

Any advise much appreciated!

X

[TeddyBear5]

we have a son through donor sperm and my husband couldn’t love him more. It’s not an issue at all. He had no. Obstructive azoo and zero sperm germ cells. It’s a hard road but so worth it xxx

[Grassfields in reply to TeddyBear5]

thanks for the encouraging words and so great to hear your IVF journey was a successful one! X

[TeddyBear5 in reply to Grassfields]

feel free to message me if you want to discuss it. There is a site called fertility friends with a donor sperm thread and azoo thread which I found helpful and supportive.

[TeddyBear5 in reply to Grassfields]

I should also say that my nearly 7 year old has similar characteristics and also has picked up all my husbands mannerisms and sense of humour. They love winding me up together and are a right pair. My son loves soccer as does my husband and they are both stubborn and sulky 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[honeybeanbee]

It's slightly different but a friend of mine had a baby with egg donation due to infertility, they both love the baby so much and read her a story everynight about how she came from a donor egg which she loved to hear about. They're all very happy and loved up and she's about 5 now. Best of luck with whatever decision you make xx

[AuroraXen]

Families come in so many shapes and sizes these days Lovely. I'm sure that no man or woman, after using donor gametes (or double donor, as some couples use) ever regrets it or feels the baby isn't their child. But I guess it can be different for the guys at first, as if you're carrying the baby after using a donor you're feeling that child inside you, your genetic material mingles etc. and it's immediately part of you. I'm sure once the baby arrives most men realise that they are 100% that child's father. What does your partner say about it? Has he shared his feelings about it with you? Sorry you're facing these very difficult decisions xx

[Grassfields in reply to AuroraXen]

thanks for your reply and I think that’s my worry that he’ll resent me a little with having the biological bond, although he says he’d rather the child have one of our DNA than neither. He has opened up on occasions about how he feels but he’d rather keep it in I think. The trouble is, when he does open up about feeling sad I don’t really know what I can say to console him! X

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Grassfields. So sorry re the azoospermia. However, give yourselves a big pat on the back for trying everything to use your partner's sperm. Fortunately, there are other ways to achieve a family, sperm donation being one of them. I have albums of happy families with about a third of them havng been created from one donor gamete or another. Hopefully you will go down that route so you can have the family you both so want. Good luck! Diane

[Grassfields in reply to DianeArnold]

thanks Diane for the kind words x

[Rainbowbaby22]

I know its not the same thing as we are same sex couple but ovs at to use a sperm donor and not once do we thing about it . Its so weird when that baby is born you just love them no matter what. And crazy to say but we see each other on her its crazy how your mind works . The fact of matter is when that baby is placed in his arm he will love them and protect them nothing else will matter as he will be the father xx

[Grassfields in reply to Rainbowbaby22]

thanks, I do worry that we’re probably thinking of the worst things rather than the best and like you say as soon as a baby arrives (fingers crossed!) the conception element just goes out of your head. I’m sure it definitely will for me but I worry that maybe it will always be in the background for him? He’s a serious athlete and is gutted not to be passing on his genes and have a kid that’s sporty like him. I try and tell him that the nurture is just as important as nature, if not more so but he’s unconvinced. X

[Rainbowbaby22 in reply to Grassfields]

He will be proud of them no matter what they become . They will take the same interests as there father anyway its how you bring your child up that counts . I really hope all goes to plan . You will have to be his rock and he will be to you . Team work as a couple going though ivf is the main ingredients. I wish you all the luck in the world . Xx

[Ivfgotadream]

my story is a bit different as neither my or husband felt donors were right for us.

We persevered with our own eggs and sperm and eventually had twins

Turns out even though the twins are biologically his it ultimately made no difference and we are now divorcing as he has declared he doesn’t love the twins the same as our eldest because they are ivf and she is not.

So I guess I’m saying no one can predict how him or you might feel ultimately - but proceed with caution whatever you decide. I never thought this would happen to me and I often think I’d have been better off just using an anonymous sperm donor anyway and doing IVF alone - it may just be less heartbreaking for the twins when they are older

[Grassfields in reply to Ivfgotadream]

oh gosh, sorry to hear the situation you face and thanks for your honesty. I hope you get through the divorce ok and your ex-husband comes to his senses re the twins! X

[Purple276]

I'm so sorry to hear your diagnosis and totally understandable how your husband and you feel about it. It's bound to take some time to process the loss of what you thought your route to children would look like. We have friends who experienced the same and used a sperm donor to have children. He's an amazing Dad and they are very much his children and would never consider otherwise. While he said occasionally things are a little different and they have to accept they used an unconventional route and when pregnant had a panic what if the wrong sperm was used and the baby was born a totally different skin tone to them! But generally actually it doesn't really come up as an issue and it was that or adoption and just feel grateful this was a route they could consider. There is also the donor conception network which can help and has some info if you want to read up before your appointment. Wish you both the very best on the next stage of your journey whatever you decide to do.

[Grassfields in reply to Purple276]

thanks for sharing your friends journey. Out of interest were they open from the start with friends and family re using donor sperm? We’re grappling with who to confide in at this time given, should it all happen and we have a child, we will want to be open and honest from the start with them and then it could prove difficult to have to re-explain our journey to those we might not have told the full story to! So many things to consider!!! X

[Purple276 in reply to Grassfields]

Yes they were open with friends and family from the beginning about the results when trying for a family and their options and felt it was easier to not have to go into it further when they were born but also avoid those 'they look so much like you' as f&f were more sensitive and considered. It was also super helpful as we went to them when considering donor eggs and they told us about books you can get which help tell your children their origins story so it normalises that donor egg or sperm was used and just becomes part of your family. Amazing how many people have ivf babies, need help one way or another and also how many family's come in all shapes and sizes now so it then helped us progress. I've always had an unconventional upbringing so felt comfortable quickly but my OH struggled for longer with worrying what it would mean when they are older but we'll take it as it comes and it doesn't feel as much an issue now I'm pregnant as when we first looked into it 😊

Hope that helps and good luck with your journey xx

[BabyBearx]

Hi. We are in the same position. We are waiting for our consultation which is in the new year. It’s so hard because I also see my partner blames himself and never sure how to help him x