My dad did not say congratulations when I announced that I am pregnant

[Noahsmummy2018]

It's a long story so I'll cut it short. I don't have the best relationship with my dad. He is very controlling and him and my mum have a terrible marriage. His controlling behaviour has rubbed off on her in the past few years and she isn't the same person anymore either.

When I got engaged to my partner in 2017, my dad did not congratulate us. He said nothing.

In 2018, after 3 attempts at ivf, I got pregnant with our little boy. Again, he did not congratulate us.

Since my little boy has been born, my relationship with my dad has become even more strained.

If I go to their house, I am practically invisible. I don't even get a hello or a goodbye or spoken to more than a few words from him.

It has only got worse over the past 4 years.

Yesterday I went to my mum and dad's to tell them that I am pregnant with twins.

As always, I get barely noticed whatsoever at the door, they're just all over my son.

When I told my dad I'm pregnant, his response was "how did that happen?" In an almost aggressive tone. He then just sat there with a straight face and said nothing else, until a couple of minutes later he said they'd be due end of November, so I said 10th November and he then argued that with me like I dont even know my own due date!

When we left, again no well done, no congratulations etc. No goodbye even to me, just my little boy.

If I had my way, I would quite easily cut him straight out of my life. It's only for my son's sake that I see him at all.

When I was a child our relationship was fine, he was a good dad. Now I don't know who he is, and it is probably my hormones not helping the situation, but I feel the need to cut him out of my life now.

Why should I let him be in my children's lives when he can't even say congratulations on the pregnancy?!

What kind of dad is that?

My mum will make all of the excuses under the sun for him.

I have brought it up to her before how he makes it perfectly clear that he doesn't care less about me, that I feel "lucky" if I even get a hello or a goodbye.

[Boo718]

this is so sad 😢 you know what though your family now is your man you and your beautiful little ones. If he chooses to continue as he is doing it’s his loss. You have to do what’s best for yo ur family and your mental health xxx

[IRR26 in reply to Boo718]

Hi

This sounds to me a Dad’s jealousy over his daughter… obviously it’s not helpful neither healthy but to be honest with you, my partner had similar issues with his family - mum and old sister. Sometimes families don’t accept that children grow up and slightly change their lives…. Think about it and perhaps just have a moment with you and your Dad, when you have your twins.

[CarlottaD27]

I'm really saddened to read that and expect I it must also put a strain on your relationship with your Mum.

I have read somewhere that sometimes fathers can relate to their daughters as children (who look up to them & are obedient) but then struggle when their daughters become independent, mature women. Perhaps he struggles with that? Or doesn't know how to act in these situations due to slight social disorders? But in any case, it seems like unreasonable and unnecessarily hurtful behaviour.

I hope you can find a way to resolve it or at least seperate yourself mentally so that it doesn't imping on what sounds like a lovely little family you are building x

[Kittykat198]

I’m sorry. sometimes our families are not the people we are able to rely on the most.

[MammaMia86]

Is he an Aries? My dad is one and he can be very difficult as well....I couldn't invite certain members of my family to my wedding because he told me that if they were going he wasn't....and like that many other stories.

I have learnt how to handle him, and in my opinion you are doing the right thing by letting your son know your dad.....it will be up to them to have a relationship or not...and when your son grows older he will be able to see what he is doing to you, but he will not be resentful for not knowing him.

After saying this, you know better, and if he is making you feel terrible you can stop seeing him.

On the other hand I am sure all us are very exited for you...Congratulations!!! xxx

[Twiglet2 in reply to MammaMia86]

my dad is an Aries (as am I and my son) and he is the most kindest, gentlest, sweet man that I adore with all my heart! And has been the best dad and grandad anyone could ask for who cried quiet tears of joy at our announcement xx

[Noahsmummy2018]

Thank you all for your replies. It's comforting to know that I'm not over reacting.

There's alot more to it but basically my dad was adopted when he was 2 years old. His adoptive parents didn't tell him until he was 16.

My parents first born was premature and died at 4 days old.

These are things that I feel in some way are part of his behaviour now.

He's never been good with emotions - when my nan died suddenly he just carried on as normal like nothing had happened.

Both him and my mum don't talk about the baby they lost. He has never spoken to me about it, my mum has briefly a handful of times. I don't think they ever got the help they needed at the time which is obviously awful and I can't even imagine what it must have been like, there is nothing worse.

But they then went on to have my two older sisters and then me, and like I said growing up he was a good dad.

He has some mental health issues now though, not that he will ever admit it to anyone.

I pity him to be honest because I can't imagine what it must be like to lose your child, that and to find out as an adult that you were adopted as a child.

But I can't make excuses for his behaviour - There's so much to it, he controls my mum mentally and emotionally. To the point she won't eat certain foods around him because he makes comments, they don't even watch TV together, he will go out and sit in the kitchen if she is in the living room watching TV. This wasn't what it was like when I was younger, even when I was in my early 20s they would sit on the sofa and hold hands, they renewed their wedding vows in 2007 and were so happy.

I resent him because I know that alot of this is down to his own problems and issues.

But I have no idea how anyone can treat their own child how he treat me.

The thought of it disgusts me.

He never ever asks how I am. Never. I can't tell you the last time he even messaged me, not this year. They live a 5 minute walk away.

What I find most difficult is that we rent our house through my dad, so in that way we are stuck. I would have long ago cut him out of my life but feel like I can't because of our housing situation.

Because we're having twins, we will need to think about moving soon anyway because our house won't be big enough, and maybe that will be the push that I need.

I only allow him in my life for my little boy's sake, but he's 4 and a half now and I feel that the longer this continues, the worse it will becomes. My son thinks he is the bees knees because he plays with him etc, he obviously has no idea what he's like at this age, but I don't want him to grow up thinking that he's this amazing, respectable, caring man. Because he's not, not to his own daughter.

I guess I'm just asking people for their opinions and advice on what/if to even say anything about how I am feeling. Or to just cut him out of our lives.

[Hidden in reply to Noahsmummy2018]

I understand to some degree (I have a dad that lives two minutes up the road, but only hear from him on birthdays, Christmas etc, and never seems that interested - although he’s never rude). Have you thought about writing it down and sending him a letter or a text saying how you feel, or alternatively, your partner could spring a surprise visit on them to discuss how you’re feeling? My friend has a similar relationship with her dad to mine, and has two little ones that he never bothers with, and her partner sprung a visit on him and explained how upset she is feeling about the relationship etc. It turned out there was more to it on both sides, and it worked having a middle man diffuse the situation. He now drops into hers once a week for half an hour, but she’d be happy even with just a text or a call.

Your dad is perhaps stuck in a rut and doesn’t realise the extend of his actions (or nil action) and how it’s upsetting you.

I really hope you can resolve it somewhat before baby arrives x

[CardiGrey]

Good morning, that’s so terrible to hear! However, I would concentrate on the blessings and positivity that you have in your life. You’ve not only been blessed with a son, but now also twins. Being a parent yourself, you’ll probably find you are less tolerable of your parents’ behaviour as you now know you would never do that with your own children. That still doesn’t make it easier, I know.

If you want your son to have a relationship with them, I’d just try to ignore their behaviour as it will only negatively affect you trying to work out why he is like that. We can change people, only our reaction to them. It also sounds as if your dad may have some attachment and trauma, which he has not addressed. This can massively affect our relationships with the people closest to us.

Congratulations to you on your twins! There will be so many strangers on here who are absolutely thrilled for you even if your dad didn’t seem it. Focus on the happiness and positivity you’ve received even though I know it’s difficult. I really do hope that things improve.

❤️

[DreamingOfTwo79]

I am so sad reading this, I am sorry that your parents' behaviour clouds what should be the most joyful time for you. Is your Dad acting the same way with your siblings? What is he like in company, e.g. other relatives or even strangers? From what you are sharing, thank you for being so open, it can't be easy, it sounds as if your Dad had a more recent trigger event if he was a perfectly caring Dad when you were younger and your parents seem to have had a much more loving and respectful marriage than they do now. And you mention his mental health issues. This will be very hard to hear but please know it is coming from someone who has a tendency to want to "fix" things and people all my life, unless your Dad accepts that he needs help to deal with whatever the underlying issue is for him that triggered this change in his behaviour, there will be very little you can effect. He may have a physical or hormonal issue that's changing his behaviour for all you know but if he sees no reason to get it looked at then things won't improve. I feel you may want to shift your focus on to what you need for yourself and your son. What is it that you need to do to feel more comfortable in the current situation. Of course, ideally, you may like for things to return to what they were when you were young but this may not be possible and it sounds as if that would take a considerable amount of time and energy from everyone. What are your sisters' thoughts on this? How are they dealing with his behaviour and the loss of harmony? Would you all be able to try and be very open to your Dad about your concerns regarding his behaviour? Ideally, you may want to "fix" him and turn him back into his old self, but for now you may want to focus on removing yourself from this toxic relationship. Be very clear to him and your Mum about how their behaviour makes you feel. Have someone close to you, perhaps your husband, who will have your back and provide encouragement to you when you deliver this difficult message. You can tell them that you are grateful for the love they show your son but that you don't understand how they can be so cold to you at the same time. Your son may think he's the bee's knees now but young children will pick up on so much more than we probably give them credit for and it will be confusing for him to see the two different behaviours from your Dad. Only you will know what feels right to you, in your shoes I would at the very least let my parents know that their behaviour towards you is hurtful and that you do not want your son or the twins to grow up with this mixed messaging. Personally, I would say that you come as a family package, and ask them straight out what has possibly upset them so much that they treat you with such disrespect. If they are unwilling to work through this with you then in time I would personally remove my own family from this unhealthy relationship. Sending you lots of love and strength xx