We have been together 3 years. I am 37 and have no children. He is 41 and has 2 children from a previous relationship (aged 15 and 21). He sees his children every week (whenever they drop by his house for sleepovers/dinners/weekends away, as they live round the corner from his house).
He is very clear (and has repeated back to me) on my absolute desire to be a mother, for us to naturally conceive, if possible, a child together. He tells me he wishes for this too, though ultimately his desire is for him to 'be happy, whatever that may look like' i.e. with me or not, another child or not.
I respect his conviction that he only have another child with someone who he is satisfactorily sure he would not split up from, meaning therefore that he would then to share access to his child if there was a separation. We have had ups and downs, the latter of which have been serious enough at times to call into question the future of the relationship though we have always stayed together, I believe due to the love we have for each other and the mutual knowledge that our egos can play a part in our fights. I have now developed quite significant anxiety, and for the first time in my life I am on sleeping tablets, as a result of the lack of clarity I receive from him about where I stand with him and whether I should keep being hopeful about his thoughts about having a child with me. I feel that my future is on hold while he continues to wait and see, while he continues to enjoy his close relationships with his two existing children, while my fertility declines with my increasing age. In recent months we have had unprotected sex which he is fully consenting to and informed of, and, when I then say I am confused when he subsequently says he does not know how he feels about the future of our relationship and chooses not to have unprotected sex with me, he becomes angry. I have told him I feel he has sent me mixed signals regarding unprotected sex when he knows my unadulterated desire to have children, however he then accuses me of criticising him.
I have made it clear to him that my conviction is to get pregnant with someone I love and who I fully intend to share all child-rearing with, forever. I have lost count of how many times I have told him I love him. I have made it clear that I want to get pregnant with him. I am the child of 2 parents who fought frequently and whom I never witnessed resolving any conflict healthily and that has no doubt scarred me and made me certain that I would not conceive a child with someone I did not feel safe fighting with or whom I did not feel we would resolve a conflict healthily.
I would be grateful for any thoughts/ other considerations I should take on this matter.
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Daisy0123
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I've been in exactly this position and stayed holding onto hope.. fast forward a few years we separated, I was 41 and told I had less than 5% chance of getting pregnant through IVF. Fast forward again I'm 6 months solo pregnant from IVF with after quite a journey . I guess it's down to what will make you more happy. Staying in an unsure relationship where he is giving you conflicting answers which btw was my situation and I've realised men know what to stay to keep you sticking around or going ahead and starting your baby journey with someone new who is aligned with your current wants or do it solo!
Dont put your life and goals on hold for someone else is my advice. You will regret it and possibly leave it too late..
From my own experience here … a man who’s already had kids and is in his 40s, generally does not want the work of kids (esp the new born phase which is brutal!) or the financial commitment …as they are almost free of those responsibilities….. I was in a very similar situation to the one you describe and was given almost identical reasons …he said things like ‘I have to be sure the relationship is solid’, ‘I don’t want to go through another divorce’ all mixed in with positive reinforcement ‘nothing would be better than having another child’ (said very early on - knowing that would register with me!) and daily declaring his love for me!! We had 6 years together …. And we never had a child together ….he eventually told me he hated the idea!! . I can’t give you advice as you have to decide how much you love him and whether you’d be happy with him without a child. I felt too betrayed in the end (the trust was gone and couldn’t be repaired) and I broke up with him.
Similar experience. My husband flat out lied to me before we were married, and strung me along about having a child with him. Then admitted he never wanted one, but he wanted me to stay. I have my baby now thank god! She’s worth everything, he’s worth nothing.
Never been into such situation, which no doubt must be very difficult, but I just wanted to say I hope you find the true love, openness and commitment to share a life together, with all that it entails, that you deserve. Biology is a bi*** and this means as women we must put ourselves first and never be afraid to walk away when something doesn't feel right/enough, and most definitely when it's impacting our mental health. I wish you all the happiness you deserve 💞
Hi, sorry to say but it sounds like your partner does not seem to be dedicated in having any children with you. If he did, he would not even mention unprotected sex...and he is acting on it too. He has given you early signs of non-commitment. You need to tell him (again) that you want a child and that you do not wish to continue with unprotected sex. You are missing opportunities of conceiving as we all know how difficult it is for many. You are still young, still though you need to be someone who really wants to be with you and to have your little family. See what he says, I suspect he will be angry. This will be your sign to move on.
I'm sorry that I didn't have anything positive to say. You are better off with someone else. Women have a biological clock, so don't be fooled of he says that he will try next year....or in 2 years etc.
I was in a very similar situation so I am speaking from experience when I say this, but in the kindest way possible- cut your losses. Do not put your life on hold for this man who is clearly holding you back. You are not too old if you make that break now. I wasted years on my ex. Im 38, and now in a wonderful relationship and we have a 5 month old daughter. Your partner won’t change, that sounds blunt but it’s true. If you are that desperate to have children you will only resent having stayed with him if don’t have any x
I agree with everyone else here- it’s time to make a decision and take the control back in your life. You are putting your life in his hands for a non committed maybe at the moment (to you and a child) and he doesn’t sound like he has any desire to change that situation (why would he?he has everything he wants right now) I would personally tell him you have decided you can’t wait any longer you need commitment from him to the future of the relationship and to start actively trying for a child. If he can’t give that then that’s his decision and you respect that but then it will be your decision to cut your losses and leave. You deserve better xx
Daisy, you have time, but not much time. I thought I’d allow things to tick along and ‘just see’, then I went for fertility testing at 38 and realised my chances of waiting and trying naturally were not possible. I wouldn’t wish the same situation on anyone else. Think about how you will feel in 5 years if you change things and move forward with your own dream and become a mum. Then think about how you will feel in 1 years time if you don’t make the change and this continues in your relationship. It was that way of thinking that helped me make a difficult relationship decision and change things for the better. You only get one shot at this life so look after yourself and follow your dreams.
Hi, I think the red flags are clearly prompting that you should not waste your time with this person but, as you have mentioned, you lived your childhood in similar situation with your parents, perhaps this is somehow what is impeding you to move on because unconsciously you are familiar and comfortable with it. At 37 if you are not sure about this men and wants to wait and see, please at least have your eggs frozen! I beg you to do that URGENTLY! This can give you the possibility to conceive later on, even at 45 as I have. He is only wasting your time, and every minute counts against you only when it comes to conceiving! You need to know what is your eggs reserve as soon as possible! He already has 2 children of his own, and the fact that he gives you mixed signals and says “we will see it”, and plays with your mental health causing you instability and doubts already tells you that he doesn’t want to have anymore children and he is not the right person for you. If he truly loves you he would support you and give you certainties, not planting doubts around you. I lived in a similar situation, my ex husband divorced me and didn’t want kids, my second partner already had a child, we were six years together, I was 37 when I met him and I immediately said that I was sure about having a child and I wasn’t going to start any relationship with him if he wasn’t interested in having anymore children. I did know what I wanted for my life and what I didn’t want! I started to do my tests 2 years later and whilst I was trying to conceive he was doing everything to sabotage it, lied about going to do the tests, didn’t stick to the protocols neither took the medications, and in the meantime I continued to move on doing what I had to do to conceive. Four years on during the beginning of my first IVF cycle I discovered he was having an affair. We broke up, and I said I would only see him in the IVF clinic or he wouldn’t see me again. I continued doing what I had to do and I finally conceived in 2022, aged 45. It was a very hard journey, extremely difficult physically and mentally all because I wasn’t acting fast enough! If you been trying to conceive naturally for the past 6 months and haven’t succeeded, it’s already time to see a specialist in IVF. Also, most men (specially the ones who drinks large and regular amounts alcohol and take hot baths) have sperm abnormalities that prevents women of getting pregnant. I was shocked when I embarked the IVF journey to see the amount of young men already presenting infertility issues. DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME! Time is crucial when it comes to conceiving! Start having all the tests done to see if you can conceive naturally, then move on, either to have your child with this man or on your own.
You’re going to lose your chance at having and raising a child, which is a way better experience than being with any man. I would leave ASAP and be artificially inseminated. If it’s not already too late. Otherwise you’ll have to move on to IVF. Hopefully it’s not too late for that.
This man isn’t interested in your happiness. He wants a companion, and someone to help with chores, finances, and his kids. You are going to waste the best years of your life and any chance at real happiness if you stay.
Hi Daisy, I was in a similar situation to you with my husband. He has a child from a previous relationship, who stayed with us every weekend. The plan was always to have a child of our own from the start of our relationship but then for him it was abstract ‘at some point in the future’ which never became a firm plan. For me it was a biological ticking clock. We argued and he put it off, not understanding the rush. Then it was ‘I don’t want another child, if I’m not a full time part of their life and if we’re not getting on …..’
After a few years I left, making it clear I wanted to be a Mum and if he was making me choose then it wouldn’t be him. He was either with me and we were having a baby or we were separated and I would be a solo Mum. We eventually worked through our issues but by then my fertility had declined and after 8 failed rounds of IVF with my own eggs, we had to move on to donor eggs.
We are now together (and the journey made us stronger) and have a baby boy who I adore but I do wish I hadn’t spent all those years believing ‘he’d get there’ and ‘waiting for him to be ready’. It made our journey incredibly hard and limited my choices when we finally started trying for a family. My advice would be to decide how important it is to you to be a mum (over the relationship) and then make it clear to your partner, this is my choice you’re with me or your not - that is his choice. Then you have your answer and you can move on if needed. I don’t underestimate how hard that will be but you’ll be moving towards the life YOU want. I wish you lots of love and happiness in whatever you decide.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's incredibly troubling that his behaviour has led you to take sleeping pills. He is having a huge negative impact on your mental health and that's not ok. Trying to conceive can be soul destroying, you need and deserve a wonderful and supportive partner not someone who is going to gaslight you. I really hope you get to be a mum and send you so many good wishes. Xxx
Hi. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My fertility was good until I got close to 41. At 40, my levels were good. I wouldn’t recommend freezing eggs but certainly do an amh fsh test to find out what your hormones are doing. If your partner does not want to have more children and you do, you need to think about things.
At 37, you still have options, but sometimes after 40, fertility can be affected.
I wouldn’t waste any more time. I would give it 6 months. If not, I would go straight to ivf and consider donor sperm. I know is sounds drastic but you want your own child.
Hi Daisy, I am so sorry you're going through this. Like others have said, it seems your partner is stringing you along. You've been together for 3 years, how much longer is he going to need to be sure he wants to have a child with you? You deserve a lot more commitment and certainty than he is giving you at the moment. Sending you a good wishes x
You’ve received some great advice here from some really strong women.
It’s very hard when you love someone and have a vision of a future with them.
My advice is any relationship that is causing anxiety and driving the use of sleeping pills is not right at all. It’s damaging your nervous system.
You must be so confused and what he is doing is really unfair.
A baby will only add more stress to the relationship and if he isn’t totally onboard then I’m sorry to say it won’t work out and co parenting can be a nightmare.
I would add you have to confront things very directly as men are very good at putting things off and stalling…. My partner avoided fertile periods by saying he was on a work trips…. (Rather convenient for him!) Or saying the last rocky period we had makes him nervous about us, or he’s in his probation period at the new job, or the divorce hasn’t been concluded, or how expensive IVF is… All valid reasons that I took, and listened to with understanding….but I never got my needs met at all. I wish I had found out sooner….. as time is the one thing you don’t get back!! (And I was being completely fooled in truth… in a sick kind of way - I think he liked my desperation for a child as he could do anything he wanted whilst I would tolerate it and always forgive him/take him back). I went solo in the end and my daughter is so precious to me…and I’ve never experienced so much love as when she was first born …but I won’t lie it’s financially/physically/emotionally tough as you are singlehandedly doing a job that ordinarily even two parents find hard to do!! You do need a really good support network…
Don't waste anymore time with him. My ex husband and my ex boyfriend were just like this guy. My ex husband, it wasn't about kids, but he would give mixed responses about everything. My ex boyfriend gave mixed responses about marriage. What I've learned is, men won't change their minds. I met my husband at 37. I laid it all out before the first date "I'm looking for a husband and I'm looking to start a family." I told all of them that (dating app). Some of them were honest and said "I've already had kids. I don't want more." And a few thought they could string me along, which I saw immediately. But, this one. My husband. He had never had kids. Never been married. He knew what he wanted.
We met August '21. Married May '22. Pregnant Sept '22, but it was ectopic. Now here I am 24 weeks pregnant, the natural way, at 40.
It sounds like a red flag for you and him.... I'm in a very odd situation myself... My boyfriend has made it clear to me that he doesn't want to be a Father due to his mental health. However, he has given me his blessing to pursue what I want... So I am using donor sperm & (Due to my own low AMH) donor eggs. He's still around and I keep him informed of each transfer round. I have made it absolutely clear I am doing this as a single female. It's his choice to stay.
When I met my partner 2 years ago I was 42 and very upfront about wanting a child. He has 2 girls ages 6 and 20 and told me he didn’t want anymore biological children but was happy to support me in having a child
I used donor sperm and am currently 20 weeks
He’s more excited then me I think and he’s stuck to his word every step of the way in terms of supporting me and I love being a stepmum to his little one 💗 I think things can work perfectly even if it’s not conventional.
After reading your story and then reading all the responses, I had to add one last thing because I've nearly experienced the same thing as you. The I want to add is, Coupes Counselling! Get to couples counselling right now.
This will give you the platform to say what you need to say. It's so easy to feel, I don't want to start and argument, don't rock the boat, oh we just had a nice dinner, let's not ruin things with the baby talk again. So you end up keeping it in and become more depressed about it and meanwhile, he is oblivious to your turmoil.
Book that couples counselling. Give it 4-8 weeks of weekly sessions. Speak with your chest, give him an ultimatum. Explain we are going to couples counselling to give get that definitive answer. Then you will clear on your next steps. If he doesn't agree to talk through with a counsellor, then there, you already have your answer. Pack your things and get out.
I completely agree with the advice before. You know, statistically, in most marriages, its usually the womanwho files for divorce. Why because a man is always happy to bumble along and keep a woman there, where they can see them and keep it all as the status quo. We woman, have to make the change and get what we want.
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Partner wants me to go go job-hunting for a better job while we undergo IVF treatment :(
Lost the plot!
Advice Needed :-(
Denmark also suffers from infertility
