This isn't so much a whinge.... it's a bl@@dy good rant!! If you're easily offended apologies as this contains naughty words.... there is a point to this at the end I promise!
Some background: Hub and I have been trying for a year and a half, I have PCOS and he has low sperm so we're waiting for ICSI/IVF and all being well will have ET end of Feb.
I was having an off day today...
I'm on metformin and have been for months and it has played havoc with my bowels! Too much info sorry....but I'm either running to the loo all the time or in pain with everything trapped. At the moment it's trapped and embarrassing as I look 6 months pregnant....oh the irony!!! I get looks in work at my tummy and I want to slap them! I feel like my moods are all over the place.... but I know that's my hormones settling themselves out....even though I feel like a completely crazy bloated whale.
I've had 2 periods on metformin (none before) but waiting for number 3 which is late (and I don't know if it's because I've missed some metformin tablet or my old system i.e. no periods kicking back in)....I'm not pregnant before you ask!
I know you can all relate to the ups and downs of IVF and ive been soooo positive lately.... mindfullness, jar of happiness, skipping along the street looking at the trees etc. ..reading "the secret".... painting on a smile even when i cant be ar$ed.....
And when friends ask innocently but really fleetingly and slightly patronisingly "and how's it going, are you staying positive?" I know they dont want the long answer.... I dont say "well its bloody hard work, I'm a hormonal mess, i feel like a crazy bloated whale...it's hard to keep positive and to focus on the good and to not obsess about every little thing...and I'd love a glass or 7 of merlot and to eat lots and lots of cake"....I just say "yeah it's going well thanks".... and then they tell me about how their baby is keeping them up all night or how they think they've put weight on or that they might try Dry January but they're not sure they could cope... completely unaware that they're so so lucky!
The past few days I've found really hard.... my mum has really let me down after promising to be around for the week of egg collection/transfer as she has booked a skiing holiday with her friend instead, saying to my sister that she didn't want to let her friend down ... I feel really hurt and know I'm being sensitive but cant help it....
My hub has been amazing, he has been such a support to me and I feel like I'm not being there as much for him at the moment which makes me feel guilty... I do ask if he's ok and he says he's fine with everything (which is very like him, he doesn't get phased that much by this) but I hope he's being honest with me and not bottling anything up because I think the men get a little forgotten in all of this. I know us ladies have to have the pain and bloating and get prodded and poked and have needles stuck in us...but our partners are going through this too. x X X x
Work is very very busy and I'm under pressure a lot and have a lot of influential people to work with, who are equally very judgemental and comment/bitch about my absences so far for IVF appointments. I don't want to tell them why I'm on leave and it's none of their f@#£ing business as far as I'm concerned....but it gets to me!
I just wanted to say that life can be so so so cruel sometimes and a complete bl@@dy b@$/@rd!!! Everyone around us is having babies and we have to go through so much stress and pain and anguish and sometimes I want to take off the painted on smile, let my bloated tummy hang out and tell everyone to b$@@€r off!
I was having one of those days this morning when I read a really positive post on here that just pulled me together.... so I wanted to pass this feeling on to anyone who has read this far down without giving up.... and to anyone who might be feeling down today.....
There will be days when you want the whole world to b@$$£r off... to rant and shout and cry.... and that's all normal and part of the process.... but I am so so grateful for this forum as unless you're going through this and have been told those words "it's unlikely you can have children naturally" or "you'll need IVF" then they don't fully understand....
Rant and rave and cry.... then do it again... then try and laugh lots.... let your bloated tummy hang out.... shout and scream and then talk... eat cake every so often....but mainly laugh.... this is a really beautiful amazing process with lots of ups and many many downs.... but it is all sooooo soooo worth it in the end.
Keep your chins up ladies (and gents too).... be positive!!
Good luck to everyone.....
2016 is THE year!!
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P.s. Thankyou to @TamTam1 for your message of inspiration! X