Meltdown

[Kcrochet]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post and I'm having a major emotional wobble. Doing my first round of IVF and due to trigger tonight. Just had my last scan and everything is looking good - I was feeling really positive after the appointment and phoned my husband to tell him. When I said egg collection will be Friday morning he said do you want me to come in with you or shall I just collect you? !!! So I said (for about the 10th time) egg collection is THE day and there is the little matter of him providing some sperm! He then went on to ask what time everything would be done by as he 'has to' have a work call in the afternoon. We then had a big argument on the phone with me saying I just want us to be able to completely focus on EC on Friday and him saying it's not necessary.... and then me crying on the bus on the way home and in floods of tears now.

I know a lot of this is just the hormones making me very emotional plus it's just a very stressful time. Am I being unreasonable wanting OH to take a whole day off for EC? I just feel like why can't you just prioritise me and the IVF for one flipping day?! I've hardly told anyone we're doing ivf and now just feeling so alone and unsupported.

Sorry for rant and thank you for reading! This forum is an amazingly supportive place.

[Hidden]

Hey sweetie, I'm sorry you're feeling like this- it's always a nerve wracking time before EC!

I can't say for everyone, but my OH took the whole day off to be with me on EC- both for the sperm reasons, and to look after me, as if you're being knocked out you need 24hr supervision after the anaesthetic. Although juggling work is tricky, surely his employer would be reasonable about taking a day off for something this important? Definitely not unreasonable to expect a bit of TLC on your whole EC week in my opinion!

I think sometimes men don't have a clue about what is involved with EC, and just think it's an in/out job, but unfortunately ladies are a bit more complicated than that!

I hope that you both manage to talk it out and get a plan together, and that your EC goes well! xxxx

[Hidden]

Oh dear. Rant away please. You need to let all those emotions loose somehow. I think that the ohs do find it hard to understand us at the best of times and for this it's worse.

Do you know what time egg collection is? You won't be able to leave straight away and you need someone to drive you home. So he won't be able to plan, no matter how he wants, to just be there for his deposit in the morning then leave. And as has been said already, you need supervision. You should be fine but also this is quite an emotional time so you should be together.

Once the eggs are harvested I felt a little empty and worried as they were gone and it was all out of my hands until the phone call the next day to advise how many fertilised and when transfer will be.

Egg collection is the single most difficult day of the whole process. Transfer is so much easier and takes a few minutes - almost an anticlimax followed by 2 weeks of waiting. But egg collection is physically and emotionally draining.

I hope he can realise this and be there for you. Perhaps he just hasn't realised before? Big hugs xx

[Dunla]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You will need a bit of care and supervision for 24hours after the procedure due to the drugs they’ll use and also how tender and tired you’ll feel afterwards. Hoping your partner can get the time off work and good luck for your egg collection xx

[Hidden]

Oh babe I totally get it! My OH is actually totally useless he didn’t even come with me for my second transfer so I went alone and I was the only woman there without her partner, but we have to get on with it and keep fighting for our dream!

U are a warrior remember that xxx

[Hidden]

OMG this sounds sooo familiar!!! we are just to embark on attempt two and throughout attempt one despite me having EVERY appointment in his work diary - he always had a call or a meeting that was really important. He eventually realised he NEEDED to be there on EC day but was 'going to leave early if it all takes too long'. That day he insisted on doing a conference call REALLY loudly whilst the nurse was trying to take my blood pressure before I went down. I - like you - felt emotionally abandoned (throughout the whole procedure to be honest unless I cried and then he came running).

I just don't think they get it. He adopted the 'I am just doing to deal with it as it happens and not overthink, get too stressed etc.. I don't want it to take over our lives' type attitude. Bully for him! he kept saying I should adopt the same. Impossible. I am just resigned to the fact its not actually personal, and its not actually as mean as it sounds, its just that some people don't get it and if they deal with these things by basically ignoring the fact they are happening - and so this is the sort of attitude they will come across with. I have told one person and she's just had a baby so I feel really alone too. I hate to say it but don't expect him to suddenly change when this all really kicks off (I did!) as he is unlikely to. I've realised I chose him and love him for many reasons but his empathy was never one of them! But there are loads of others. With this forums support you will be fine and fly through it all! good luck xx

[Kcrochet in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for sharing similar experience! It's so hard when you want to feel like a team but then have different ways of dealing with things isn't it? Goodness taking a call as you were being sedated - that would not go down well with me!! My husband is also of the 'carry on and pretend it's not happening' school of thought sometimes - I do get that it's important to manage expectations etc, but my approach is the complete opposite and I want to research everything and know exactly what's happening when. I think for my husband it's partly a coping mechanism to hide behind his work. He's generally not that into his work really! We've never been good at discussing difficult things without both just getting upset - I think we're going to need to work on that, maybe with some counselling. In the meantime I will keep posting here. Thanks so much for replying and good luck for your second round xx

[Kcrochet]

Thank you all so much for these kind replies. I feel so much better knowing I'm not being some sort of egg-zilla! Just had another chat with husband - more tears from me but I think he has (finally) got his head around egg collection being a big deal! He's going to ask for annual leave for Friday phew.

I think it upset me so much because it tapped into the frustration I feel about our infertility in general (we are unexplained), the wait for IVF etc - just everything feels like such a battle so I'm over-sensitive to any more 'roadblocks'. And also feeling like I want this more than he does and am the one always battling on.

Anyway feeling much better now, so thank you for supporting me.

Trigger is 10pm tonight. Trigger or treat for halloween haha.

[Orla9298]

My hubby did this to me at the start of ivf... I had to reschedule a couple of times due to him having “Unmoveable” work commitments that he had committed to AFTER I gave him the dates of important appointments. I honestly could have murdered him. When he saw how upset I was he realised what the priorities were...

Men don’t seem to know as much about the process as us so don’t really understand in advance what’s going to be required... after the first round they tend to know what happens for the next time, if there is one. Obviously egg collection is THE number one important time.

if it helps, my hubby doesn’t take the day off, and collections are normally in the morning. He normally is on his emails and phone while we wait, gives his sample while I’m in collection, takes me home and makes me comfy with a cuppa then goes on to work.

That early bit really is important and non negotiable, but you’ll probably find you won’t need the whole day.

But no, in my opinion it’s not too much to ask!xxx

[Kcrochet in reply to Orla9298]

Thank you! xx

[Doglover7866]

This might be a sign that he too is struggling and not really knowing how to deal with it. Imagine having to watch you go through this. I know my OH struggled. It’s also probably a fear of the unknown if this is your first time xx

[Kcrochet in reply to Doglover7866]

Yes very true - thanks xx

[Autumnmoon]

Bless you can completely understand why you would want him supporting you for EC it's a big deal after all hope he will realise this once he has processed everything good luck and hoping for great news soon x

[Hidden]

Hope it goes ok today!! Good luck xx