A blooming good whinge...! Warning contains swearing!

[Kat9lives]

This isn't so much a whinge.... it's a bl@@dy good rant!! If you're easily offended apologies as this contains naughty words.... there is a point to this at the end I promise!

Some background: Hub and I have been trying for a year and a half, I have PCOS and he has low sperm so we're waiting for ICSI/IVF and all being well will have ET end of Feb.

I was having an off day today...

I'm on metformin and have been for months and it has played havoc with my bowels! Too much info sorry....but I'm either running to the loo all the time or in pain with everything trapped. At the moment it's trapped and embarrassing as I look 6 months pregnant....oh the irony!!! I get looks in work at my tummy and I want to slap them! I feel like my moods are all over the place.... but I know that's my hormones settling themselves out....even though I feel like a completely crazy bloated whale.

I've had 2 periods on metformin (none before) but waiting for number 3 which is late (and I don't know if it's because I've missed some metformin tablet or my old system i.e. no periods kicking back in)....I'm not pregnant before you ask!

I know you can all relate to the ups and downs of IVF and ive been soooo positive lately.... mindfullness, jar of happiness, skipping along the street looking at the trees etc. ..reading "the secret".... painting on a smile even when i cant be ar$ed.....

And when friends ask innocently but really fleetingly and slightly patronisingly "and how's it going, are you staying positive?" I know they dont want the long answer.... I dont say "well its bloody hard work, I'm a hormonal mess, i feel like a crazy bloated whale...it's hard to keep positive and to focus on the good and to not obsess about every little thing...and I'd love a glass or 7 of merlot and to eat lots and lots of cake"....I just say "yeah it's going well thanks".... and then they tell me about how their baby is keeping them up all night or how they think they've put weight on or that they might try Dry January but they're not sure they could cope... completely unaware that they're so so lucky!

The past few days I've found really hard.... my mum has really let me down after promising to be around for the week of egg collection/transfer as she has booked a skiing holiday with her friend instead, saying to my sister that she didn't want to let her friend down ... I feel really hurt and know I'm being sensitive but cant help it....

My hub has been amazing, he has been such a support to me and I feel like I'm not being there as much for him at the moment which makes me feel guilty... I do ask if he's ok and he says he's fine with everything (which is very like him, he doesn't get phased that much by this) but I hope he's being honest with me and not bottling anything up because I think the men get a little forgotten in all of this. I know us ladies have to have the pain and bloating and get prodded and poked and have needles stuck in us...but our partners are going through this too. x X X x

Work is very very busy and I'm under pressure a lot and have a lot of influential people to work with, who are equally very judgemental and comment/bitch about my absences so far for IVF appointments. I don't want to tell them why I'm on leave and it's none of their f@#£ing business as far as I'm concerned....but it gets to me!

I just wanted to say that life can be so so so cruel sometimes and a complete bl@@dy b@$/@rd!!! Everyone around us is having babies and we have to go through so much stress and pain and anguish and sometimes I want to take off the painted on smile, let my bloated tummy hang out and tell everyone to b$@@€r off!

I was having one of those days this morning when I read a really positive post on here that just pulled me together.... so I wanted to pass this feeling on to anyone who has read this far down without giving up.... and to anyone who might be feeling down today.....

There will be days when you want the whole world to b@$$£r off... to rant and shout and cry.... and that's all normal and part of the process.... but I am so so grateful for this forum as unless you're going through this and have been told those words "it's unlikely you can have children naturally" or "you'll need IVF" then they don't fully understand....

Rant and rave and cry.... then do it again... then try and laugh lots.... let your bloated tummy hang out.... shout and scream and then talk... eat cake every so often....but mainly laugh.... this is a really beautiful amazing process with lots of ups and many many downs.... but it is all sooooo soooo worth it in the end.

Keep your chins up ladies (and gents too).... be positive!!

Good luck to everyone.....

2016 is THE year!!

X X X X X

P.s. Thankyou to @TamTam1 for your message of inspiration! X

[WeeMrsH]

I loved this Kat9lives....can entirely relate to most of it of course. It did make me cry a little but that's partly due to me being a hormonal bloated mess just now on Buserelin down reg waiting for period to come. Frustrated and anxious!!

Thanks for sharing your feelings.... Lots of love x

[Kat9lives in reply to WeeMrsH]

Thanks for sharing WeeMrsH, that made me smile that you can relate to this! Hope there were some tears of happy laughter in there too.... I hope your period comes soon for you to start things. Xx

[Hopeful1982]

Hello

Infertility is a horrible, arduous, lonely journey and you just cannot relate unless you're going through it or have been through it! It's good to have a rant, you need it from time to time, and I hope you feel better for it!

I found my hubby coped a lot better than I did with the whole process. I read it was because (for those of us ttc) men 'want' to have a child but women 'need' to have a child. So simple but it was like a lightbulb going on at the time!

Good luck x

[Kat9lives in reply to Hopeful1982]

That's such a good way of putting it! Hubby agrees! Best of luck to you xx

[abbie103]

Amen to this, I'm feeling the same at the moment I'm so mad at all these people who just have babies without even trying xxx hope your okay Hun

[Kat9lives in reply to abbie103]

Thanks Abbie. I'm much better after a rant, thankyou. Hope you can have a good rant and let off some steam too. Keep your chin up xx

[Parentsofangels]

I've learnt if nothing more than it's perfectly acceptable and ok to say "this f'ing sucks, I hate this, I'm angry, frustrated, sad, bruised, bloated, feeling sick, my heed is banging and I'm grieving all while the world is telling me I should be moving on and excited and it pi$&es me off!"

Yes positively has its place, of course it does, but it really is ok to not feel positive every second of every damm day. Sometimes it's just not the case, so good on you for admitting how you feel. Pretty convinced myself and my partner wouldn't be half as screwed up if we had not held in as much as we have this near decade, and we didn't even realise we were burying things!!!

Glad your rant did you a bit of good hun, take care xxx

[Kat9lives in reply to Parentsofangels]

Thanks parentsofangels, I hope you are having good rants now too. Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx

[Hidden]

bloody brilliant!!!!!!

I think you are a super star for writing all this down, it was like you were reading my thoughts....let it all out!!!!

it's a horrible situation and horrible process, the only thing which keeps me going is......at least ivf exists to give us all a chance, god hope the chance works, and at lease we know girls, we are doing everything and more than we possibly can.

A friends husband who have gone through it said today....If Id have know how hard it was I would never have put her through it

in a nutshell

pat on the back to all of us and big hug for the super hubbies....bring it on 2016, we are ready!!!! and if we arent....bring it anyway!!!

[Kat9lives in reply to Hidden]

Awwww thankyou! !! We have to laugh a little and I must say everyone's reaction to my little rant has really made me smile!

We're all lucky to have this forum to give each other support and advice. .... keep going girls!!!! (and boys) xxx

[Georgina78]

Hey, I know this is an older post and you may be not be feeling this way now (oh how changeable fertility treatment makes us!) but I just wanted to say I know EXACTLY how you feel. Just today I have also felt a little let down by my mum and it really hurts doesn't it. She text to ask how my weeks been (not about treatment or how I'm feeling just in general) then when I was honest that I'm struggling a little some days she just completely ignored it and was just telling me what's she's doing this weekend (which I did ask) I feel really let down 😔

I've also just seen two pregnancy announcements on Facebook, I probably should come off there for now!

But its like lovely that you were being positive and something on here had helped you, I've found it so useful during this roller coaster. Hope you've had much better days since!

Xx

[Kat9lives in reply to Georgina78]

Thanks lovely. I think I was full of emotions this day! Not normally so ranty but it's good to let off steam! 😊 Hope your day has got better for you xx

[Georgina78 in reply to Kat9lives]

Definitely, if we'll ever need a rant it's now! It did get better thanks, my hubby is great at cheering me up and we had a nice evening. Hope you did too x

[Kat9lives in reply to Georgina78]

Rant away 😉 xx