My name’s Lora. I’m 45 years old. We’re a happy couple from UK. But probably only a couple but not a full family. We don’t have children and this is our most horrifying pain. Before marriage I happened to have a severe heart disease. But that time it wasn’t fully clear that I wouldn’t be able to give a birth to a child by myself.
We hoped from the very beginning that something would turn for better and we would get rid of the disease. We tried to find the way out in some of the clinics abroad. My husband and I tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant with a variety of assisted-reproduction techniques, including IVF. But the fact was established forever – my health condition makes pregnancy impossible and medically risky. That seems we both – my baby and me – have no chances to stay alive together. Now I’m writing all this and can’t stop crying. I wish it could be different!
We cannot think of adoption, because my husband insists on having a biologically related child. But using surrogacy is still somewhat controversial for us...
Just need your soothing word... X
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Loraine7
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If you want to have a biologically related baby through reproductive technologies and if surrogacy remains the only possible variant, just get used to it. It is a pretty good option. Besides you can choose from two kinds of surrogate mothers. It goes like following.
A traditional surrogate is a woman who is artificially inseminated with the father’s sperm. Then she carries the baby up to term. She delivers a baby for the parents to raise. But the most confusing thing here is that a traditional surrogate becomes the baby’s biological mother. Because it was her egg that was fertilized by the father’s sperm. Another possible variant for this type of surrogacy is using donor sperm. But it’s not your case anyway.
Another kind is a gestational surrogate. Successful result here may be achieved due to IVF. It makes it possible to harvest eggs from the mother. Then fertilize them with sperm from the father and place the embryo into the uterus of a gestational surrogate.
The surrogate then carries the baby until birth. And the great plus here is that a gestational surrogate has no genetic ties to the child.
As for me, I’m quite for gestational surrogacy. I cannot stand the thought that a strange woman can have any genetic tie to our baby.
Some time earlier we worried about my disease. I mean, whether it could influence the genetics of our future children. God saved us we were reassured that it would have no relation to the health condition of the intended embryo. So, I’m able to produce good quality eggs. Now I can breathe in more easily.
We’ve also looked through some information concerning future-to-be surrogates. It is said that a surrogate must be at least 21 years old. She must have already given birth to at least one healthy baby. In this case she understands first-hand the medical risks of pregnancy and childbirth. The emotional issue of bonding with a newborn is also familiar to her.
They say that the most difficult part in the process is when a surrogate passes a psychological screening by a mental health professional. As every issue with giving up the baby after birth must be uncovered beforehand...
You’re absolutely right. I think you aren’t so confused and embarrassed as you look like from the first sight. And it’s absolutely good. If you have already started to study the necessary information, the desire in you both is really great. My mother’s friend was in your shoes one time.
Personally I know the people who prefer surrogacy due to completely different reasons. For example, intended mothers do not wish to experience any sort of pain and suffering.
Reproductive procedures are also quite painful for a woman. And there are no specific guarantees. So, mothers may decide that they would rather utilize the surrogate method.
Also there are no worries about gaining weight, morning sickness, mood swings, hormonal imbalances and so on.
My mom’s friend was afraid of some risky situations.
For you to understand better, parents cannot watch the surrogate mother every step of the way. There is no guarantee that she will carry the child in the exact manner that they would like her to. And there is always the risk that she could decide to consume caffeine or whatever that can potentially damage the child’s health.
Some couples overcome all these doubts. Others don’t. It’s very important to choose just right responsible surrogate..
Hi Loraine7. I have read through your post and also the replies you have received so far. I must say that the replies I have read are very supportive and sensible. Perhaps it is time to contact surrogacyuk.org they are a mine of information and will be able to answer your questions and fears from experience. I wish you well with whatever you do decide. Diane
A dear friend of mine lost her child at 22wks due to placental issues which nearly killed my friend also. Her little girl survived for only 20 mins while they performed an emergency hysterectomy to save her life with 5 blood transfusions. The surgeon is a miracle worker, she managed to save her life and her ovaries. The specialist can't believe her little one was born alive for that short time, or that my friend survived, neither should have happened. Her options now are adoption or surrogacy. She, as you, did not ask for this, did not choose this illness, but is playing the cards she has been dealt. My heart goes to you. I can only recommend looking into surrogacy, maybe speaking with someone who has, or an agency. My friend has had a close family friend offer to help her, but she did speak with an agency who answered her questions and queries so she had all the info to enable her to make an informed decision they all could feel comfortable with. Lots of hugs to you both and lots of prayers being sent your way for which ever option you decide to take xxx
If surrogacy is your only way Shirley you can get past this. We have tried and failed can't afford surrogacy unless family
Member so are off and away to hope that donor eggs will work and we are 41.
Surrogacy could mean ur eggs and his sperm and someone carries still biological your and his. Don't rule it out either way you will still have the family you long for xxxx
Hello, my dear Loraine! You're not alone on this painful path! Seems our stories are too similar. But we've already got used to surrogacy being our own option.
I'm 37 and my husband is 40. The whole problem of our infertility is in me only. Being still young I was diagnosed on malformation of the womb. This seems the way it developed cannot satisfy the living being there. But I didn't pay much attention to it then. Then I met a wonderful man who I was dreaming would become my husband. And he did though knowing that I was likely not to give birth to children myself.
Then it went just like other couples have it - work, more work and again work. We stopped thinking of it just three years ago when it became impossible to watch lovely people in the streets with their small children. Why do we still not have them?!?
To be honest we made a mistake following some unprofessional advice from a consultant, like 'make sure you cannot do it yourself, a lot of wierd things happens..'
So we've experienced two failed ivf cycles, both ending in implantation failure..And we made sure as for surrogacy as now my heart disease is progressing being a good supplement for poor health condition...
We're looking for the right place to apply for surrogacy and believe it must be somewhere abroad...
I'm sorry terribly sorry to hear of your friend’s loss of her little girl. I feel her every pain as I too lost my tinies three times while three failed DE attempts. The loss of your baby is the worst feeling possible. So my heart totally goes out to her. She's not only dealing with grief of losing her daughter but also part of her body which no women should have to lose under such tragic circumstances. So pleased the surgeon was able to save her ovaries but mainly her life. So terribly sad…
I can only share my feelings of grief and that's just to be there for her. She may have days of screaming, shouting and crying but in time she will have times of being ok to bouncing back to sadness. I'm not sure if she's been offered counseling but it may help her. Nothing will ever make or help her to come to terms with this but it may help her to put things into perspective.
Bless you for being such a wonderful friend. I hope your friend is able to look forward with the love she holds for her daughter (that's the only way I can look forward). God bless you both. Thank you for your post xx
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