Does anyone else have those days when they just feel really angry and resentful. Having a bad case of the ‘why me’ right now. Lots of regret and frustration at the situation I find myself in. Tbh I think I’m pretty depressed and have been ever since the fertility consultation told me the odds of having a successful pregnancy. It feels so unfair and at times I just really resent people who aren’t going through this. I know I shouldn’t, I know that everyone has their own problems but sometime a I really hate the world for dealing me this hand. It’s an ugly way to think, and I have so much to grateful for but I’m struggling with these feelings.
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Dormus01
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Hi, yes I can 100% relate. I felt very frustrated and it was for reasons I couldn’t really even put into words.
I felt immense regret at the time that I hadn’t started a family earlier but for me it was easy to imagine the perfect alternative that didn’t even exist.
Our IVF journey started due to MFI so don’t worry about ugly feelings, I had them all and probably worse and I really resented my partner. That sounds awful but it was how I felt.
I found it useful just to focus on my own path and try and keep busy. I am a keen runner so I used that to escape and to tire myself out which left less energy for anxiety. I didn’t ever accept that it wouldn’t eventually happen.
I also only shared my journey with very trusted people (my best friend and dad), because I couldn’t handle unintentionally insensitive comments. I was too fragile so I found it easier to reduce my ‘circle’ temporarily and give myself time and space to get through this.
It’s a really tough time to navigate. I’ve been where you are and I promise it gets easier xx
Thank you for responding. I’m in such a dark place right now, but trying to find hope. I think I’m also struggling with chronic depression, which scares me as even if I do get pregnant will I be a terrible mother.
I’m also very isolated. I’m low contact with my mum, no contact with my dad. I don’t have siblings and not in touch with my extended family that live miles away. I try and speak with my best friend but she lives at the other end of the country and is a single mum. I don’t trust people due to trauma (hence me off loading to strangers on the internet). Part of me wonders if I would be happier if I just stopped, but the thought of giving up a chance of being a mother breaks my heart too. It’s hard when every option/outcome feels fraught with pain. I’m sorry to vent like this - I just feel like I have no one I can be honest with
I can relate I’m full of so much regret for 12 years on antidepressants that allowed me to completely hide away from thinking about having a family… I always thought deep down I would but was so busy with jobs etc that I never prioritised this and the tablets I didn’t know it at the time but affect things and so I didn’t do enough DTD and before I knew it I’m 42.. I have had a really rough few weeks with feeling overwhelmed and v down… I think it’s easy for it to become all consuming for anyone going through it… i suddenly can’t imagine my life without a family which obviously then creates a lot of pressure as I’ve such a short time window with my age… i think there are some closed fb groups and I think some clinics have counselling and support groups hopefully you could get some help through some of those I have those same plans. Take care and be kind to yourself x
I hear you. I’m turning 43 in a few weeks / dreading it . We are lucky enough to have a frozen embryo from our 1 and only nhs ivf round. The thought of going through the invasive treatment and injections again scares me. My mind has convinced me that it will fail again anyway. I think I need to wait until I’m doing a bit better. It’s just been rough time . Thank you for reaching out - it means a lot x
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I read somewhere that receiving the news that you have fertility issues is very similar to getting a cancer diagnosis - both massively alter the future and life you thought you would have. Despite this, I've found that many people struggle to have empathy for those of us going through fertility treatments. It's a huge shock and everyday can feel like a battle. When I first heard that me and my DH would struggle to conceive naturally I was an emotional wreck. My DH dealt with it by withdrawing and I would have angry outbursts. There's definitely no right or wrong way to feel or react. So, whatever you're feeling, it's legitimate and you have every right to feel that way. Best of luck x
You’re not alone in feeling angry and that life has been unfair. I have many such thoughts but they come and go, so you learn to accept the bad days and be thankful of the days….I say that matter of fact now but it hard practice. I hope you found it useful getting your thoughts out on this form, I felt better yesterday after writing in my journal, writing/journalling is a powerful tool and maybe something you would like to try. Sending you good luck hope you feel like in a better place soon x
I totally understand how you feel. It’s so hard when you spend your whole life saying in your head “when I have kids” & you begin to realise it’s actually “if I have kids” & then it becomes “I probably won’t have kids”. And everyone around you is getting pregnant ‘just like that’.
I’m also angry about the time I wasted (I’m almost 43) but then I didn’t meet anyone I wanted to have children with til I was older. My partner just keeps telling me life doesn’t always pan out how you think it will & that I should be happy for others who get pregnant. I know he’s trying to be helpful but I don’t find it helpful. If anything it makes me feel like he’s belittling my feelings if that makes sense.
Four years ago I promised myself I wouldn’t give up on having my own child but as I approach 43 it’s getting more & more likely that I might have to.
I know it’s not helpful really but I feel exactly the same. I am 40. I’m resentful of my partner now too…which is not helping.
We met about 6 years ago and married about three … he kept saying he wasn’t ready and wanted to prioritise buying a house. That didn’t happen. So now what have I got, no baby, no house. He even spent his half of the deposit so can’t contribute much to ivf. Turns out his DNA frag is so bad we won’t get pregnant naturally either - trying every month clinging to the 5% monthly chance a 40 year old gets.
We just had this diagnosis and spoke about possible causes even though he won’t see a urologist- he went out and got drunk last night for a friends birthday. I’m gobsmacked how my precious future is in his hands and he’s not being more careful. Tbh I want to leave him due to the way he’s treated me through all this but I’m clinging on to my last chance to have a baby.
It’s so frustrating isn’t it, especially when you are doing everything you can. It took my partner a year to get his sperm checked. He kept saying “yes I will do it” & just not booking an appointment. In the end I broke down & cried at him. That was a year we wasted! Since then he has been better & I kind of feel like now he’s experiencing those negatives after each round of IVF, he gets how I’ve been feeling for the past 4 years. We are currently in the TWW after having a poor quality embryo transferred. We only ever seem to get one embryo make it to blastocyst & all but 1 have been poor quality. My eggs are just too old & there’s nothing I can do about it!
I’ve only had one embryo out of two rounds too. The first round I had nothing. Embryos did not develop after day three…could have been due to fragmentation but we will never know now. It’s going to be a year since my first round in august - hoping to get started privately by July at least but still researching and completing consultations. Have you considered what you will do if it doesn’t work ? X
We haven’t really talked about it any serious way yet. I think we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. We had 1 round on the NHS but we’ve paid for the other two rounds. We have one more round that we’ve already paid for so that’ll be the fourth which we’ll probably start in June if this current one doesn’t work. I think it’ll be the last because I’ll be 43 next month & it’s beginning to feel a bit like flogging a dead horse. We may go down the egg donor route but that is even more expensive & still no guarantee.
I’m turning 43 in a few weeks / dreading that birthday. I think you feelings are totally valid btw. For my birthday I’m tempted to go to one of those smash rooms where you can just break things with a hammer !
I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now, honestly I think lots of us here can relate 100% to what you're saying. It's only natural to feel angry and resentful tbh (personally I think one of those smash rooms sounds amazing!! What a brilliant idea 😁). I think people in general don't have any idea of the sort of impact fertility issues can have on mental health. Dunno if you're a fan of independent cinema but a friend of mine is making a short fiction film (psychological horror) about exactly this subject to try and raise awareness a bit. Can send u the link if you want. Hang on in there. Tomorrow too the sun will rise.
I’m so sorry you are struggling. I can totally relate, especially over the last few months. I’ve felt so angry at everyone and the world that this is happening to me. I’ve even been signed off work this week as I had a little angry meltdown in the office.
This week I’m just trying to let the emotions flow, as I think sometimes anger is masking the deeper /raw feeling underneath- like fear of this never working out. I’m finding that I can have very low days (where I just need to power through) and the next day feel brighter and hopeful. Many ups and downs.
What you are feeling is so valid, just let yourself feel it for a while and it will move past. I hope you have some brighter days soon, they are on the way. xxx
I’m thinking of creating a special ‘burn book’ where I can have a good old vent of all the really tough, awful and unpleasant feelings that I’m experiencing. I have a log burner at home so I could actually burn things if the pages are especially horrible .
An angry office meltdown seems perfectly acceptable if you ask me, considering everything you are dealing with. I’ve been off work since December - it’s not just fertility stuff, I’m estranged from my family and my relationship nearly fell apart completely in November . My boss has actually been ok, but tbh I’m am looking for something else which is less stressful and better paid. Another downside to infertility - the cost of treatment and holistic care .
Thank you for sharing your story xxx sending really positive vibes your way xxx
Hey so the link to my friend's film about the impact of fertility issues on mental health, that I mentioned to you earlier, is here if you want to check it out. She's crowdfunding at the moment for it still I think: greenlit.com/project/seed
In terms of what you say about your 'burn book' I reckon that sounds like a great idea tbh, journalling has helped me A LOT at different times and I even started doing this thing where I would write down on a piece of paper all the stuff I wanted to let go of or get rid of in my life, like a list, and then go outdoors and burn it! Honestly I know it probably sounds a bit nuts but it really did help. It was a friend who suggested it who's into psychology and she said it was quite symbolic and would help to clear out all this negativity.
It didn't necessarily transform all those aspects of my life but it did really make me feel better and lighter at the time, watching the paper turn to ash and blow away on the wind. I had another friend who started doing it too and she kept the ash and used it to fertilise her pot plants because she lives in a flat with no outdoor space. And I really liked that idea of fertilising your plants with the ashes of your fears and angers regrets etc... And her flowers look amazing now! 😄🌺 So I guess that feels like something positive and constructive. I do recommend it tbh, I found it quite cathartic.
But yeah, I'm not trying to diminish what you're going through at all - what you're feeling is totally valid and understandable, and a lot of other people feel the same way too. It's ok to allow yourself to have those emotions because it's a totally natural response to a really difficult situation. I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to tell you to just chin up, basically! I do totally hear what you're saying.
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