I was absolutely desperate to have another try on the injection therapy before Christmas, and I got my wish. I didn't expect to get pregnant on this cycle, but after a few days of feeling very sick and having sudden lower back aches I was delighted to see those two pink lines on a home test. It is all very similar to last year, when I was scanned just before Christmas and told my first pregnancy wasn't viable. It ruined Christmas, and made me very depressed throughout the winter and spring. I am so frightened now as I have had two early losses and really don't want history to repeat itself. I feel so happy one moment, but terrified the next. I fear going to the bathroom, and I can't talk to people about it because we are trying to keep it all quiet until we have one piece of evidence that this one is worth getting people's hopes up. Even my own mother is struggling to acknowledge my pregnancy result as she is clearly worried it will go badly again. My husband is delighted where before he was more worried than 'happy', so it feels right that this should all go well for us. But if the scan next week goes badly I don't know how I will cope. I am booked to see the counsellor in January as she has been unavailable for a while, but in the mean time the friends I should talk to are all anxiously awaiting their own fertility cycles in January or enjoying their own healthy pregnancies. I desperately want to shout it out loud that I am pregnant but I can't shake the feeling of impending doom either! My husband is happy because I am happy- we haven't been like this in such a long time because infertility has put such a shadow on us both for the last 3 years. I don't want him to be disappointed, or me to be so angry and depressed again. My marriage can't take much more of that! Right now, I am counting the days till the dreaded scan day and hoping my restless nights and fatigue are positive signs that something is growing healthily in the right place. Fingers crossed for 29th December and no Christmas or new year spoilers! I hope anyone reading this is facing a promising start to 2016 (2015 has been the worst I have ever had, so 2016 has a lot to live up to!)
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