Feeling sick with nerves

I was absolutely desperate to have another try on the injection therapy before Christmas, and I got my wish. I didn't expect to get pregnant on this cycle, but after a few days of feeling very sick and having sudden lower back aches I was delighted to see those two pink lines on a home test. It is all very similar to last year, when I was scanned just before Christmas and told my first pregnancy wasn't viable. It ruined Christmas, and made me very depressed throughout the winter and spring. I am so frightened now as I have had two early losses and really don't want history to repeat itself. I feel so happy one moment, but terrified the next. I fear going to the bathroom, and I can't talk to people about it because we are trying to keep it all quiet until we have one piece of evidence that this one is worth getting people's hopes up. Even my own mother is struggling to acknowledge my pregnancy result as she is clearly worried it will go badly again. My husband is delighted where before he was more worried than 'happy', so it feels right that this should all go well for us. But if the scan next week goes badly I don't know how I will cope. I am booked to see the counsellor in January as she has been unavailable for a while, but in the mean time the friends I should talk to are all anxiously awaiting their own fertility cycles in January or enjoying their own healthy pregnancies. I desperately want to shout it out loud that I am pregnant but I can't shake the feeling of impending doom either! My husband is happy because I am happy- we haven't been like this in such a long time because infertility has put such a shadow on us both for the last 3 years. I don't want him to be disappointed, or me to be so angry and depressed again. My marriage can't take much more of that! Right now, I am counting the days till the dreaded scan day and hoping my restless nights and fatigue are positive signs that something is growing healthily in the right place. Fingers crossed for 29th December and no Christmas or new year spoilers! I hope anyone reading this is facing a promising start to 2016 (2015 has been the worst I have ever had, so 2016 has a lot to live up to!)

8 Replies

  • I can understand the mix of feelings you're experiencing and will probably be the same if I get a BFP next week (3rd round of ICSI, 2 natural conceptions ended in miscarriage).

    I haven't got any words of wisdom to make it any easier. Hopefully this time it will be OK.

    Thinking of you and hubby.

  • Good luck with your test date pm27 - hope you get some good news! You've already been through a lot, hope this is your time.

  • Hopefully it's your time 🙏🏼😍

  • Wishing you luck for next week. I feel kind of similar, I'm cautiously optimistic about my pregnancy and we didn't start telling people until we had a viable scan. You're better off only telling a handful of people anyway in the early days. My mum is the same, anytime I talk about my pregnancy and get any way excited about it, she always adds 'please God' and won't let me continue the conversation until I say 'hopefully' or 'fingers crossed'. I wish we could just be able to be excited but every step of this is full of worry when you've been trying so long to have a successful pregnancy. I'm 10.5 weeks now but still very guarded about it all.

    I really hope your scan goes well next week, you deserve some good news for Christmas. You have no reason to believe it isn't going well and you have to tell yourself that. Try to enjoy the time off work, it makes such a difference to have that time off and just relax. x

  • Congratulations on your positive result. I, too, understand the anxiety of waiting for that scan result and we've just had our bad news just before Christmas (a missed miscarriage) so I know what that can be like. We really struggled with "do we tell people" "don't we tell people" as well. In the end, we decided only to tell very close friends and family we were having IVF and then those were the people we told about the early pregnancy. A small circle of people to inform if it is bad news but at least someone can understand the grief you experience.

    I do hope you have good news at your first scan this time and that you go on to have a healthy pregnancy XX

  • Congratulations on your news. As hard as i know this is try not to stress too much as you have done all you can and will continue to do so. Im keeping everything crossed for you and hope everything goes well for you. When we start this process i dont think any of us realise how difficult it is on us and our relationships. It is hard mentally and physically . I hope you and your family have a fab christmas and relax xx

  • I'm with you. Here's to 2016 xx

  • Hello

    I can completely understand you feeling this way. I think any woman in your shoes would be frightened!

    I've not experienced miscarriage but when we had our BFP following IVF I was terrified in the run up to our scan. So frightened that after everything we had been through it was going to be taken away.

    I found it helped to keep telling myself that there was nothing to suggest that anything was wrong. I also used to talk to the baby and tell him/her that they had every reason to stick in there as they would be so loved and had a mummy and daddy, gran and grandad and lots of aunts and uncles who were desperate to meet him/her. I think making it about the baby rather than me helped me to get through the wait!

    Also, try to remember that the vast majority of women who experience miscarriage do go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies.

    Take care of yourself. I hope you have a lovely Christmas x

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