full of mixed emotions

the weekend hasnt been the best as my partner told me last week he was having second thoughts after we had been to the clinic and signed everything we had a discussion last night and were gonna continue with the treatment but i just feel like im not looking forward to it anymore im due to be starting the injections wed and ive also got the endo scratch booked ,

im sure alot of people have alot of up and downs but i just feel everything has been so tough and im struggling to deal with it on my own he said to me yesterday that i need to toughen up that its only injections and a few procedures that im making a big deal of it hes gone back to drinking more again cos he said ive stressed him out so im worrying thinking is it going to work xx

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  • I'm so sorry you're having a rough time with your partner. As someone whose had IVF, it's not an easy process. It's really tough emotionally and physically on your body. He needs to appreciate what you're about to put yourself through, all to achieve something which is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world. It's not easy, and you need full support. Don't get me wrong I'm not for one minute suggesting its an easy process for your man. It's not. He could be feeling guilty, scared, inadequate, angry etc. but to say you need to toughen up is really not on. I don't have any words of wisdom to tell you as to how to solve this, just wanted to give you some support as can imagine how scared and anxious you must be feeling right now. I hope you and your partner work things out xx

  • I would step back and think about how he handles stress normally. I know through my both failed cycles I haven't felt supported by my husband but he lacks emotions anyway and I married him like that.

    I think the journey can be very lonely as you are the one experiencing it on a positive scratch doesn't hurt the clamp is the worst thing and injections pinch hard and 90 degree angle then it will be fine.

    Maybe you need to talk to him perhaps with a family member there or clinics offer counselling but whatever is making act in this way he needs to acknowledge.

    Keep your chin up keep posting we will be here to off load too. Xxxxx

  • I would like to offer my support too. Like WeeMrsH, I am not sure if I have any wise words, but I can tell you that I have experienced similar with my husband, who has taken years to agree to have a child. When we were offered icsi, he went back and forth a lot, along with saying that he did not want to do it, just after we had signed all of the documents. I understand that men don't always have the same connection as women to the idea of having children, and that for men, the feelings of love, or connectedness do not really start until after the birth, so it may be difficult for him to understand how you feel. It also sounds like he perhaps is worried about how the injections etc may affect you but he is using his defences to protect himself, and then telling you not to worry, because deep down he may be scared. Or he may think he is being encouraging by what he is saying, or reassuring. It sounds like the sort of thing that kids/boys are told by their parents about things, so maybe he just doesn't know that you need empathy. It sounds like he is trying to problem solve, when perhaps you need him to support you and maybe give you a hug. It sounds very upsetting what he has said to you. I would be upset too. Hope it all works out for you. I don't know if this helps or not, but sometimes with my husband I have to spell out exactly what I need him to do or how I need him to react, because when I think I am being really obvious he doesn't get it. You could think of it as educating him. xxx

  • Hello, I think it sounds like your husband is struggling with it all and just doesn't know how to deal with everything. I had second thoughts just before we were ready to start our first round. I realised it was the fact I didn't want IVF because I wanted to conceive naturally. But, as that's unlikely to happen I have to accept IVF gives us our best chance. It can be difficult to accept though.

    I think I may have recommended it before but I bought my hubby a great book called "What He Can Expect When She's not Expecting." It's really helped him understand the process from my perspective. In the book it talks about how a man 'wants' to have children but women 'need' to have children. This was a breakthrough for my hubby. He actually apologised to me after he read it - it was a real turning point for us. I think your hubby would benefit from it. It's written by a man and it's actually pretty funny and easy to read!

    Your hubby is clearly finding it tough but, blaming you for his drinking is not right. He needs to take responsibility for that himself.

    I hope you work things out together. Take care x

  • Hi, sorry to hear this. You can't do all of this alone and you deserve a supportive partner. Make sure he comes with you to as many apps as possible, especially the one where they show you how to do the injections. My dh missed the first couple of apps and I haven't made that mistake again, as I hated trying to explain what the docs said and what was important about it. You can't be the only one bearing the burden of the ivf, it simply is not fair. Perhaps you could request the counselling service if you feel a couple of sessions might help ease the tension between you.

    I have told my dh I will have my hormones messed around with and this medical procedure will mean I will experience mood swings and sensitivity due to lack of hormones, in addition to a variety of physical symptoms. Imo you have to make the case for yourself, do not underplay how you are being affected by this treatment. If he can't accept that after you have calmly told him on a number of occasions then it is clearly his own issues which are getting in the way. If he is normally supportive under usual circumstances then it is more likely that he doesn't know how to cope with his own part in it all. In both cases seeing the counsellor may help a lot.

    Hope things start to resolve themselves & best wishes with it all.

    xx