All over the place

H All, I am new to this community but was hoping i could get some advice if people had experienced the same thing or similar.

My boyfriend and i have been trying for 18 months to get pregnant, only to now find out that my boyfriend has a y chromosome defect which means he does not have the ability to produce sperm. So out dreams of creating a baby together have been crushed.

We are discussing using donor sperm, but we have so many concerns, for one, will he still feel a connection to the baby if he didn't father it? if we went through with it, will he start resenting me somehow because the baby is part of me but not him?

We are both still so confused and upset by the news, but I'm 35 now and really want to have a baby, I just don't know what to do.

Can anybody help?

8 Replies

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  • Hello sorry to hear your news. I am currently pregnant using a sperm donor. My husband had an op when he was younger and has meant he hasn't any sperm. We have gone through ivf and was lucky to be successful first time. We had councilling because of using a donor and they explain that there is books to explain for baby once it's here about another man providing a seed to help mummy and daddy to have them. It wasn't easy when we got the news after hubby having an op but after the councilling they gave us letters to read from a women and man that have gone through it and said it wain't easy at first as the man felt useful that he'd let his wife down but once baby was here he loved it just the same.

    Please feel free to keep in contact, I've got 11 weeks until baby is here and I am happy to share how it all goes. We've told close friends and family about the donor and plan on telling the little one like the councillor suggests.

    At the end of it we will have what we want our baby unfortuntely we are just unlucky and have had to have help to make our little family. They match the best they can so baby will still look like daddy and it will not be genetically but legally he will be the father and they will bring it up so will still be like him.

  • What do you have to go through to use donor sperm? We might have to if hubby doesn't produce anything when it comes to ec this time they are gna freeze my eggs and use donor but all they have said is some more forms to fill out. (Don't find my place useful for info at all) he has told me he doesn't think he could bond with a baby knowing it wasntbhis x

  • You have to have councilling, one is mandatory and you can have more if you feel you need it. We had forms to fill in to sign to say that hubby would be legal guardian and that we both agreed to it. Then I started ivf and the day of my last scan when they were booking me in for egg collection we got a folder to decide what donor we wanted to use.

    I know it is a worry my hubby was angry and down at first after his operation wasn't successful but all we want is a family we would adopt if needed but this way it's still the same apart from the genetics, he's been to all the scans and most of my appointments. I'm also choosing not to Breast feed as I won't hubby to be able to do as much as me so that he can bond.

  • Hi, thank you so much for responding, I'm happy to hear you have had a successful pregnancy with donor sperm. and thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot to know people out there are going through the same and are willing to talk to me about it.

    I'm hoping if we decide to do this we can get a good donor match, so im pleased you said they match the best they can.

    Definitely keep in touch, would love to know how you both get on after the baby is bornxx

  • Thank you for your reply, he is quite upset but doesn't show it as I'm a bit of an emotional wreck lol as we get 3 tries through nhs he wanted to use his and if needs be last try use donor but it's really not looking good atm for his (past two samples he has had 1 sperm just the one!) so going to have to use a donor sooner than expected. I like ur thinking with the bottle feeding thou.

    Enjoy your last 11 weeks x

  • Yes I can imagine it must be hard when you thought you'd have a chance, my hubby sample had no sperm so they did operation which confirmed no blockage there is no sperm so guess we have had no choice x

  • It's frustrating as there is no reason for it at all medical or trauma just very unlucky xx

  • I know it's unfair, there is stories on here all the time about people having to use donors both egg or sperm. I know it's maybe easier for a women as you still get to carry the baby but everyone makes these choices to have that baby that they've longed for and however it's come into the world you will be it's mummy and daddy and it's you it will love x

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