Positive and having a trial separation

Hi all me and my husband went through Ivf in May and it failed, but yesterday we found out I was pregnant naturally. My husband then decided we should have a trial separation as we've been arguing a lot, firstly over stupid things then it escalates into being horrible. Were absolutely Heart broken as having a baby is all we've ever wanted, our emotions are all over the place. Were hoping it'll all come out in the wash and we can learn to listen to each other again, and get back together. I think I'm around 5 weeks and have been having funny aches and some twinges, hopefully it's all normal. My boobs have been tender but stopped hurting today, but I believe that can be your hormones levelling off. Were wishing and hoping everything will be ok with the baby and with us, we have a 17 year old daughter as well who it's been so hard on. Here's hoping anyway, and does anyone know if I could as for an early scan. Thank you xxx

9 Replies

  • Congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy. That is lovely news but I am so sorry to read about the trial separation. I think it's terribly sad timing.

    I am not sure whether you have done much reading, but trial separations often make it even more difficult to improve communication. Most marriage counsellors would advise to stay together if you want to actually stay together.

    Was this a mutual decision or just your husbands? I think it's awful timing to have this, but if the relationship is so bad perhaps you are better off apart - but be wary that trial separation often lead to divorce. I hate to be negative and I hope you can perhaps change his mind and fight for the relationship, particularly now you have a baby on the way.

    But my advice would be to go to RELATE for counselling before you trial separate if you want to save your family. It really may help you sort out your issues and communications problems. If you love each other then there is hope for you both and both of you will want to give counselling a chance. Trail separation is running away from issues, and won't prepare you for the birth of your second child together. Please call Relate.

    Sorry but I felt I had to be honest here.

    All the very best to you.

  • Thank you for your advice, yes it was my husbands decision but he doesn't want to seperate either we love each other so much, and want to work things out. We have a family wedding in February and a holiday planned in May, we both still want to go. I know what you mean a trial seperation is running away from things, and the thing is he works away, we just want to learn to be soul mates again as we both agree we still are very much so. I'm just hoping we can work through things and get back together when he's next home, and I get passed the 12 weeks ok. xx

  • Hi gill76, the pregnancy is fabulous news - congratulations! Infertility can be such a strain on a marriage. My husband and I definitely have our ups and downs, I've been seeing a counsellor and would like us to have a few joint sessions in the new year. I agree with YellowRose. Seeing a counsellor while you are still together would be better than a trial separation. I hope you manage to work things out. Good luck x

  • Hi gill76.. First of all a huge congratulations on your pregnancy what a lovely surprise for you.. :) So sorry to hear that you and your hubby are having problems I hope you can both sort through things and make it work .. would be a big shame if you couldn't.. Just to echo what has already been said infertility can add a huge strain even on the strongest of marriages.. I know it's added a great stress to my hubby and I.. We have had to really work hard at it coz I was damned if I'd lose my marriage as well..,I felt like I'd lost enough without that too.. I Totally understand the pressure infertility can bring to a relationship.. I too would also recommend counseling sometimes it helps to talk through the problems with an impartial party.. Every marriage has ups and downs and sometimes it can be hard work ,but are worth fighting for to be together , esp with a baby on the way.. I wish you the very best with the pregnancy and hope you and your husband can resolve your problems :) X

  • Congratulations such lovely news that it happened naturally. Again what everyone else said sorry to hear about you and your husband, I have had councilling in the my fertility treatment and it was really useful. Your question regarding the scan I don't think you can ask on NHS but a friend of mine when pregnant had bleeding and paid for a scnpan privately at about 7 weeks think it was about £70 x x

  • Of course you can have a scan early. That's what the EPAC is for; early pregnancy assessment unit. If you go for a pregnancy blood test at your GPs, they should refer you to local EPAC. I would hope you would be given a cancellation, as you have had a tough past with fertility. When I had my scan for my pregnancy with my son, they rushed me through because I had miscarried my first baby and my symptoms had disappeared for the second pregnancy.

  • Hello Gill. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Sorry to hear about you and your husband. My husband and I have been going for fertility counselling (not that we were having problems between us) it's made us stronger and has helped us to make our decisions. When I was 5 weeks pregnant I was having aches, twinges and tender breasts (some days I could feel these things more). I had a scan at 5 weeks and could see the pregnancy sac though this was private fertility treatment so you will probably have to pay for a private scan as I think on the NHS they don't do the first scan until 11 weeks. Tasha x

  • Hi gill76. Many congratulations on your pregnancy. It's a massive shock isn't it? We've had 2 ivf cycles which both failed. We were told basically very slim chance of it happening naturally. Well. We are pregnant also. Again naturally! I've had loads of period type pains which I've been told is right. Bedding in pain apparently. I also have very sore blobs. I think I'm about 7 weeks now so not too far in front of you. I had a scan when I thought I was 7 weeks at the assisted conception unit I've been a patient with even though the pregnancy was natural. I measured at 5 weeks 5 days. Go back tomorrow.

    I'm sorry to hear you are your hubby are struggling at this very exciting time. Fertility treatment is very stressful and can definitely test the strongest of relationships. I had counselling during our last ivf cycle. I felt it helped talking to someone that's not directly involved and nothing you say will be judged.

    Good luck this your pregnancy and I'm sure your hubby will be back and you can look forward to an exciting future together. X

  • We had a early pregnancy scan, we had to pay. But it wasn't too expensive and it put our minds at ease.

    I can vouch for counselling for both of you, together and separately. It helps so much. You guys have been through so much together and while it was technically the same thing, it feels very different for both of you.

    Fertility treatment isn't easy emotionally at the best of times. Take care of yourself and do what you think is best for your family.

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