How do I explain why I don't want to ... - Fertility Network UK

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How do I explain why I don't want to go to see my friends new baby?

8 Replies

A close friend has recently given birth. We met up with them 3 days before she did, and it was horrendously painful to see her huge bump, and see her complaining if her discomfort. Now that they have the baby and are home, they are pushing us to go and visit and see the baby.

How can I explain the agony that seeing a new child brings me? How seeing my husband holding a baby makes me feel, when I can't give him his own? How scared I am of being passed the baby to hold? How angry I am that she doesn't already get this? How long can I keep up the excuses? I don't want to hurt her by not participating in their joy, but it just can't do it to myself right now.

8 Replies

Hundreds of my friends and even my two little sister have been pregnant, but for my 8 years of marriage I'm still here wondering when it's my turn. As a pro myself I have suggestions for you, and here it is: You seemed have a lot of question, but in fact nobody know the answer except yourself or they've been at your position. So,instead of explaining others, you can make a peace with your self, forgive yourself, forgive your body for not doing what it should be, and the question will answered themself


Does your friend know where you are at in your own journey? I was beyond broken when my sister in law found out she was pregnant with her second, she felt it would be kinder to tell me in person, but I just had to explain that I was totally over the moon for them and I wouldn't wish what we were going through on anyone, but I felt totally smashed to pieces for us and that it was just to close. I gave her a big sniffy, soggy wet, sobbing hug and asked her to give me some space in the knowledge that I couldn't be happier for them genuinely but I needed to get myself together and I couldn't just do it while she was sitting there. She said she didn't want to leave til she knew I was ok, I had to explain I hadn't been ok for a very long time and I couldn't imagine a time when I ever would be in the future but I appreciated her concern. I think sometimes you just have to be honest because even those closest to us have no idea how it feels to suffer infertility.

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I know exactly how you feel, I was in the same position, not wanting to see new babies, refusing to attend naming ceremonies or anything go do with babies, but hv learn to enjoy other happiness as they are not the cause of my problem, while you learn to celebrate with others just pray at the same time that your time will come to celebrate believe if and if will happen. Never give up I wish you success in your journey


I often feel the same way, all our friends have babies and recently one told us that she will have is very frustrating especially when you see people that don't really take care of themselves are conceiving. It helped me enjoy my life without children , do things I usually like and still hope and work towards having a baby. try and see your friend in different circumstances, she may enjoy having some time away from the baby. that can be a good beginning and slowly accept the children. maybe accepting other people around us and their fulfillment then we ll be happy and ready for the big event in our life. :) best wishes Cordor


Hi, know how you feel. Sometimes we need to do these things, so perhaps it is to say you will go, but to plan your visit - perhaps you can pop into your friend's on the way to somewhere else, so that you can leave fairly quickly? Then work out what you want to do, do you want to hold the baby, or not (you can change your mind when there) and so be prepared for kindly saying no if that is the case at this time. Then, when you're done, take a few minutes to reflect back - if you managed to not cry and run out, then give yourself a big pat on your back, as from what you say, that is what you feel like you would want to do. Hopefully, then, with practice and more time spent with your friend, you will be able to be happy for your friend whilst continuing on your life story.

Good luck xxx


I also know how u feel a good friend of mine is expecting in couple weeks she invited me to her baby shower I explained y I couldn't go as it was just t hard to see everyone so happy and and 41 still haven't been there in that happy place yet I also have a very close cousin who is expecting her 3rd I have to hide my pain from her as she would be heart broken to know how upset I still get and she even hated telling me she was expecting on each pregnancy I wish them all the luck and joy in the world but y not me yet ?


I too have felt the same way as everyone's post. It is a horrible situation that everyone is in and I went through all the emotions especially anger at my body and jealous at why not me!!! ALL my friends have kids and I initially found it so hard to deal with, the hardest was when my sister in law got pregnant and moans constantly about the discomfort, however I have to remind myself that it's not there fault that this is happening to me and if I can't be a mother then I damn well will be a grat Aunty!! Love to u all xxxxx


Tough really tough!

I can imagine and feel every single word of you.

This is really tough to hold baby which is not yours.

And to see your partner holding others baby is even more painful.

You are often afraid to look into their eyes because you might come across to fact that you are living with.

The good wishes prayers everything you say to others makes you feel even more of your emptiness.

Our lives are quite similar. We are going through similar pain.

How long would we able to run away from these situations? This is never ending the story of pain

All individuals around me are often wrapped up with their children’s.

But I never say quite to my struggle. I am still struggling to get some way out of it

BTW may I ask have you been through fertility treatment and all?

You must also look for options that might be preferable to you.

Prayers for you lady!


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