does anyone have painfull intercourse?!

please help as i have been diagnosed with endo for 2 years now, which i still find hard to come to terms with. i am married and find intercourse very painfull and my sex drive is so low, which now has caused my husband to have an affair!!:( hs anyone else experienced painful sex and what i can do to make it more comfortable?!

24 Replies

  • Hi Malibue.

    Really sorry to hear that your husband had an affair, I too find sex really really painful, absolute agony. As far as I am aware this is a symptom of endo and I am not aware of anything that can be done for it. Sorry, not helpful I know, but just wanted you to know you are not on your own pain wise.

  • hi

    i too experience pain if i have sex, not just at the time but it leaves me with pain for a few days after too, so much now i'm just too scared to do it anymore, even though my husband is gentle, it doesnt make any difference - i am so sorry that your husband has had an affair, men are so selfish sometimes, and put their own needs over everything else, you can still have a loving relationship without needing that part of sex. take care hun xxx

  • hi there i think this is a very common side effect of endometriosis ive had it for a long time before i was put on zoladax for the last 3 months which really worked for me and my husband always felt so guilty having sex with me as he knew it hurt me so didnt want to do it but i am so sorry that your husband had an affair thats awful for you cos you must feel like now you have to do it through the pain to please him believe me i am at that point where now i just do it because i have to but am up all night in agony hope it all sorts out take care xxxxx

  • I so agree with everything worth71 has said all that I was going to say I to hav pain at the time and after for days my husband is so understanding, sorry ur husband did that to u. Hope it works out in the end take care x

  • Hi Malibue

    I am so sorry to hear that you're going through such a rubbish time :(

    It's important to remember is that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't choose to have endometriosis, so don't load guilt on top of the physical pain you are already feeling

    I find that some positions are much worse than others, some times of the month are worse than others, and I've also read another lady say that she takes painkillers before going to bed if there's any chance that sex is on the agenda.

    But sex isn't all about intercourse, without being too graphic there are other ways that men can reach a 'happy ending', even all by themselves if needs be!

    I hope you can work it out, but if not, don't be embarrassed about going to the doctor about the pain. As somebody else said, painful sex is one of the symptoms of endometriosis, and the doctors are there to treat all of the symptoms

    Good luck x

  • Chrissie66 - you said that brilliantly, i didn't know how to put it but that was what i wanted to say, men just need that 'happy ending' as you put it, and i dont think the majority of them particularly care how that comes about, as long as it does xxx

  • You're right, for the most part and speaking very generally, it's a completely different thing for men.

    It's such a bloody minefield, isn't it? It got to the stage with us where I would get really stressed if he tried to just cuddle me in bed, because I thought it meant he wanted more. And all he really did want was a cuddle :(

    It's so important to talk about it. He felt rejected and I felt threatened when none of that was happening at all.

    Endo has so much to answer for

  • i totally agree - i spent a long time avoiding the situation, and not so long ago i had a little 'episode' as i call it, where everything came pouring out and i said to my husband i'm so sorry i'm not there for you in that way - i think he was more upset that i could even think that i thought that of him, he said just wants me well, and if the sex part is less then so be it - i realise i am lucky, we have been together nearly 24 yrs and i would be lost without him, he does shopping and helps me with housework etc when i'm having bad days

  • I have a complete diamond too. I think I am extra lucky because I had this long before I met him, so he knew what he was getting, so to speak. He knows exactly where to rub my back when I am pain, he sometimes even does it in his sleep! and exactly how hot I need the hot water bottle to be, and he really understands the condition itself. Like you and yours, I honestly don't know where I would be without my hubby :)

    Endo isn't just about the person who's actually got it, is it x

  • no its not, you're right, it affects partners and children too - as i said i'm lucky my hubby is brilliant, and even my sons have learnt when i'm suffering and are very good and will help if i need it xxx

  • Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that :( I always have painful intercourse, mine hurts straight on entry, straight through-out and then for hours, or even days afterwards! I only do it every once in a while because I'm so scared to do it. Relaxing myself makes it easier for me. It also helps that my boyfriend is very understanding, although I'm sure he does get frustrated at times, luckily he helps me relax, and therefore it's less painful. Breathing exercises and massages help me to relax. Painkillers and Hot water bottles, or a hot bath help me feel better after. Also when I am on top during sex it's less painful for me! It's the only position which I find sex easier, because I have more control. Hope you find something that works for you x

  • I find sex very painful and eventually went to the drs to see if anything could be done. I was referred to gynae again. Upon examination it was found that my vagina was going into spasm my body would also tense up therefore making it worse. I was given muscle relaxants but it's still an ongoing problem x

  • Thank you everyone for your comments they are very helpful. im glad im not the only one that suffers with painful intercourse! i just wish it didnt hurt so much! Shame it had lead to my husband having an affair. Has anyone discussed painful intercourse with their consultant and what did they suggest?

  • Hi.

    I find it very painful, too, and it really makes it difficult to enjoy sex. A couple of weeks ago we had this really interesting EndoUK meeting here in Bristol about this, there is a doctor who has done research on this subject (Dr. Peter Greenhouse, Bristol Sexual Health Centre) and it turns out that most woman have less pain when they chose positions that are not as penetrating and where there is more space between you and your partner. I try not to get too graphic :), but it is true.

  • I am sorry to hear about everyones pain - yes I too get alot of pain during sex and again without being too graphic I find I need to be on top. Enough said! It really hurts so much less for me - I hope this helps x

  • Hi Malibue

    I also have had pain during sex for me though it is only in certain positions and (sorry to be graphic) but when my husband goes deeper and harder. I discussed this with him recently after years of not mentioning it and suffering in silence and now he is a lot more gentle and therefore sex was much better for both of us and I had no pain. I think everyone gets pain in different areas so maybe try experimenting to see what's most comfortable for you. There are lots of books out there too on different ways to have sex that may be better for you. You could also try seeing a relationship or sex counsellor to see if that helps. Communication is key really but I know that is difficult as I myself struggled even though my husband is very understanding.

    I have recently had a lap and my consultant has said he has removed some of my endometriosis that was causing my pain during sex but I have not tested it out yet, lol.

    Also I get more pain during my period and ovulation times so maybe if you avoid those times it may be better.

    Hope you manange to find a solution xxx

  • Hi :) i deffinately know how you feel! sometimes i do, sometimes i dont!

    As far as im aware, its really really common to have pain whilst having sex, for me this is one of the worst side effects, as if endo doesnt change you life enough already, you cant even have a normal sex life, which im sure, most people would like to have. im not aware of anything that helps with this, but maybe try talking to your gyne and doctor? x

  • And just know, its never your fault! That bloke is selfish and you are 100% better off without him! Im 18 and have a 20 yr old boyfriend, and we hardly ever have sex, but hes been with me for 2 years now! if a 20 yr old lad can stay with someone without a lot of sex, then there is deffinately a man out there waiting for you!!! dont give "your husband" a second thought! its hard having endo, and i believe any women with it are great and amazingly strong people! Head up!! x

  • Thanks Victoria! i hate him for having an affair after all the shit i have been thro with endo! its so horrible, but i have just gota get on with it. ur bloke sounds like hes very understanding. lucky you.

  • I am sorry to hear about the times you have been through. Endo is a very emotional illness and can realy effect your self esteem at the best of times. Is there a local support group you can take your husband to aswell? Its sad to say that no matter how good a communicator we are, that sometimes they just gotta hear it from somewhere else. I completely understand your feelings of hate - I definately would feel this. I wonder whether it has also effected his self esteem (NO fault of yours - and no excuse for what he did!) So I think he should prove himself to you by attending some kind of counselling and/or support group and totally get ehind you and support you through what is cruel and debilitating condition. You will know what feels right for you and when in every part of your relationship. I hope he sickness and in health ;) Stay strong xx

  • Hi Malibue,

    I have always had painful sex, from the day when I lost my virginity, to this day - so I can really understand what you're going through. There have been moments where the sex hasn't been painful but they have been few and far between. I'll tell you what does help me is smoking pot. It takes the pain away and makes sex feel how it should feel!!! However, because it's illegal and hard to get hold of, it's not the best thing to recommend.

    A friend of mine in Oxford was referred to a specialist who put her on something like amitriptyline to help with her painful sex and I think it actually helped her because she was able to get pregnant! She is now expecting baby number 2 so I guess the treatment is still working. She was seeing Jane Moore in her pain clinic and Jane referred her to someone else, in order to help with the painful sex side of things. I can ask her, if you would like?

    I wrote an article about painful sex for endo link years ago and everyone told me how brave I was. But I wasn't really. I just wanted people to know how much of a problem it is. Ask anyone with endo about painful sex and they will cross their legs. Ask them about smear tests and they will not only cross their legs, they will also grimace. Most girls will say, sex, what's that?, in a jokey way. I still find sex painful post hysterectomy, which makes me really sad. I guess that because it's always been painful, it is always going to be.

    I am lucky in that my husband has never wandered and we are coming up to our 13th wedding anniversary. I'm not saying our marriage has been brilliant but I know I'm lucky to have him. He knew I was unwell when we got together, so maybe that has helped keep us together. I don't really know.

    If you want, though I can ask my friend about the specialist she saw in Oxford and pass that onto you? Does that help? I do hope so.

    Please keep in touch.

    A x

  • Hi Nella, yes it would be very useful to have that contact about the specialist in oxford. thanks

  • Hi Malibue, I'm so sorry you're going through so much and that your husband has had an affair. I just wanted to say that you are not alone, once all this endo stuff kicked off about 6 years ago, sex started becoming very painful for me. Unfortunately for me, my husband has a very low drive and it's gotten to the stage that ad is afraid to have sex with me as he hates hurting me. He says the pain is written on my face, which I wasn't aware of. All I can say is at certain times of the month it can be less painful for me, it's normally around the time my cycle restarts. I've kept a diary and count the days of my cycle because I was on norethisterone for days 5-25 before I started taking it without breaks. My husband is still afraid to come near me, I do understand. I'm sorry your husband felt he had to resort to an affair - as if you're not going through enough already! I hope things work out for you no matter what you decide to do. My first husband had numerous affairs, hence the reason he's my ex. Good luck and if you need an ear, we are here x

  • I also experience such pain im too scared to have sex with my husband and we are still early in our marraige im 25 and I feel so hopeless but my ob doctor is recommending a lupron treatment she says it will heal some of the lesions an make the symptoms of endo much more bearable if not completely better..ive just gotten my insurace authorizations and am going to start treatment very soon. The lupron is a 6month process it will shut down your estrogen putting you into a temporary menopause which kinda sucks but more than worth it if it works! My doctore also told me it will make you more fertile so as soon as my treatment is over im excited to get pregnant its something my husband and I have been trying for since I had a miscarriage 1 year ago...hope my post will help you! check with your doctor and see if luprons something youd be Interested in

You may also like...