How do I tell my friend I'm struggling with feelings about her baby shower?

[Meriel_Owen]

My oldest friend is having her third child, and has decided to hold a baby shower. I have endo and I'm nearly 33. I really want to have a family, and I might start trying soon. My endo has been very problematic over the years, and for some reason, I'm feeling particularly sensitive about it at the moment. The thought of going to the baby shower, where everyone else also has babies and will be bringing babies to it, is not exactly filling me with joy. I feel awful for not feeling like going, but its a bit like rubbing salt in a wound, I guess. I don't know what the right thing to do is!

[TedLocat]

Hi Meriel_Owen,

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, I completely understand how you’re feeling. I’m 32 and have been trying to conceive for 2.5 years now. Both of my closest friends have children, and family members have recently shared their own news of expecting a baby. It’s really tough to hear, when you so want it to be you.

It’s difficult to do, but maybe try and have an open conversation with your friend about how you’re feeling, if you feel comfortable to do that. If she knows how you’re feeling, she can be a bit more sensitive to the situation. I’ve recently done this, and honestly I felt a lot better after. It gave me the chance to tell my family member how I was feeling, but also reminded me that my own feelings shouldn’t cloud her excitement and joy.

It’s such a difficult situation to be in, but try and have faith that your time will come ❤️X

[Pinkmice]

Hi

I would sent an special gift - if you can not bear to be present at the shower- which you

are having mis-giving and put into a nice card so when that you next meet up will speak to her. You will be able to express some of your feeling's { a good Friend would be there for you}.

Some-time when you both can arrange another time to met up -solving your dilema.

Knowing that you respect your friend feeling and are happy - I think your friendship

bond will improve.

Big Hug

[SasF]

Hi Meriel_Owen,

Your post very much resonated with me. I’m 40, single, and staring into a future which doesn’t involve children.

My younger sister recently gave birth, and while I’m incredibly happy for her, I cannot help but feel bittersweet.

I agree with TedLocat. I’m not particularly close to my sister, but I managed to share a few feelings with her which provided a reason as to why I was keeping my distance. Whether it’s endo or something else that causes us to question our fertility options, your feelings are completely normal and justified, and I hope your friend will understand this.

Sadly, either option is going to be painful. Weigh the two – which one feels heavier? Not accepting the invite and sending your apologies or attending despite the possibility of upset?

Best wishes x

[Moonglo]

Hallo! Someone else perfectly described this as bittersweet - I imagine you’re happy for your friend and yet sad for your own circumstances. I hope you are one day able to conceive.

It does sound like the baby shower could be overwhelming for you, and you have every right not to attend, as long as you have a grown-up discussion about it with your friend. Hopefully she’ll understand.

Regarding the relationship with your friend going forward, this child will be part of her life forever if you want to stay friends. I promise you, it might be very hard at first, but it gets easier if you take the child for who they are at face value, rather than how they relate to you. I’m now 46 and have had 8 years to get used to my infertility. Meanwhile, my friends’ children have become wonderful little human beings to play and laugh with - then give back!

Good luck with your own journey.