Hello Ladies,
My girlfriend has been diagnosed with endometriosis and I'm looking for some advice on how may be best to support her. I thought it might be nice to chat with some of you with partners who might be able to tell me the things I may be doing wrong and right. As w lol as the obvious massive physical toll it's taking quite a big emotional toll on her and I don't feel I'm being as supportive as I could be.
Hi ya well
First of all
Massive well
Done asking on Here !
I was diagnosed last year and waiting or an op , my hubby kind of went all funny on me didn’t know what to say or do but to be fair all I want is love and comfort and him to understand when I’m poorly which he’s getting better at now , the fact that it could effect us having a family scares him a lot but I think all you can do is just be there for when she shaving a bad day
What a fab partner you are!
Ok so all I can say is be patient -there were times when I felt so worn out and just wanted to be left alone other times a cuddle was all the reassurance needed. Sometimes intercourse was painful and this made my hubby feel bad. But all is not lost she has a diagnosis , now starts the path to support her, encourage her not to give up and find a medication/therapy that helps and if shes not getting support from her GP go with her.
Wish you and your girlfriend every happiness in the future
congratulations on being a support.
This book could seriously help you on how to be more supportive: "The Doctor Will See You Know", Author Tamar Seckin M.D. He's one of the best endometriosis doctors in the world, and his book explains how the family can help, what endo is, it explains everything. One you understand all about endo and treatments available and be 100% supportive to your wife as possible, then you're on the road to recovery for her. I know that book will help, and I hope I've helped.
Thank you all for the kind replies and suggestions. She's been diagnosed for a few years and me and her have been together for over a year now. I think the mistake I've made upto now is seeing it as something that can be fixed rather than working with her to find a way to deal with it together. Because I've struggled to understand the emotional impact it has I've ended up putting more pressure on her rather than helping share it.
I feel that she feels quite alone with it and I want her to know that I'm here for her but at the same time I don't want her to feel pressured into sharing things with me.
I will have a look into that book and hopefully I can learn a lot more about it and start providing some better support!
Hi,
First of all, by reaching out & joining this forum, you are already helping her, so don’t beat yourself up too much. The research you are doing will be such a great emotional support to your GF & I am sure she will appreciate it.
I think it is very hard for a man to understand a pain that only a woman goes through, but if I could describe it in a way everyone could empathise with is - constipation! If you’ve ever been severely constipated that is as close as it gets for a man to understand period pains, Endometriosis or any female cramp pains we experience. Match that with the emotional stress, fatigue and other not so nice side affects, which aren’t pleasant to describe = a very delicate women.
Take your time to do lots of research, support any healthy eating, exercise or love she needs. It’s a bumpy ride for her and please remember, however frustrated and fed up you become with the process, just try to imagine what she is going through + the pain of it all.
Fair play to you for joining this, and read lots of stories to see what others go through. It has certainly opened my eyes.
The best advice I can give is for you to read as many posts on here as possible to try and understand the absolute hopeless misery of living with something like endometriosis and the various (endless) symptoms it brings. Also ask your girlfriend how she is feeling; really listen to her, and ask her what you can do to help?
Thanks for coming on here to get a better feeling of what she’s going through x
Hey, she’s lucky to have a guy who is willing to help and wants to know more about endo.
Best advice I can give is just be patient and be there for her, some days we feel great and others we just want to stay in bed all day due to pain or fatigue.
When I don’t feel well or my stomach hurts, my bf just gives me cuddles and rubs my back or stomach which is quite nice. Sometimes actions speak louder than words (cliche I know but it’s true haha)
It is hard and I’ve had bf in the past who weren’t understanding and would force me to do things I didn’t want to etc but that’s just part of the journey I guess.
If you ever need advice or someone to talk to, I’d be happy to help
This is so lovely to read. I also have a very supportive partner but I know many people don't.
I would say read up as much as you can but bear in mind this illness isn't the same for everyone.
Talk to her about it and get her to explain to you how she feels physically and mentally. Even if she is being irrational (which I am sometimes when it gets me down) just be there to listen and snuggle up together. Find stuff you can do together which doesn't involve leaving the sofa. Series, films, podcasts, games etc. You can still have quality time together and build great memories.
Good luck and keep in touch if you have any questions xxx
First off, thank you. Thank you for recognising that asking for opinions and guidance is a positive thing rather than a weakness.
As for your partner, everyone has their own story and what they view as their worst symptom may not be the same as someone else. For example it may be the pain and struggling to find a way to manage it. It could be the consuming exhaustion the stops a person from being able to do the things they want or feel they should be able to do. It may be the length and severity of her flow. Other possibilities include mood swings, hormone surges, unpredictability of symptoms, loss of independence, or something else that I have not listed.
In the same way, what one person views as help, another can view as smothering or lack of faith or belief in their ability to do anything for themselves. And with hormones being all over the place before you even mix in the other challenges, it can mean mood swings. She may cry or snap and later feel ashamed of herself for not being able to control her emotions. Then again, maybe not.
So my advice is to reassure her that she can ask for anything and that you do not adversely judge her. Be patient and understanding when plans may need to be cancelled, postponed, or cut short as a result of symptoms that will punish her when she doesn't listen to them.
My husband is my rock, but that doesn't mean he always knows exactly what to do for me. Instead he asks. When my day starts he will ask if there is anything I need. If I ask for anything he does it without making a big deal about it (or offers a solution if he can't do it there and then, for whatever reason) and when I feel bad for feeling like a burden or useless he reassures me that this is what a husband (or partner) does for the person they love. He reminds me that being in a relationship means for the easy and the tough bits. He reminds me that I have nothing to be sorry for because I am ill, not lazy.
If he knows I am having a bad day he will check in with me through the day by asking if I need anything. This could be sticking his head in the room - How are you doing? Want anything from the kitchen? Do we need anything from the shop today? Can I do anything for you before I/on my way to or from. ..
Little things he does that impact me massively include grabbing me a beverage, heating up my microwave heat bags, a cuddle, just sitting with me and watching a TV program together as distraction, running errands I feel too horrible to do myself, picking up a small thing at the at the grocery store that he knows I like but wasn't expecting, recognising that while today I might be able to pop up and down stairs without an issue, tomorrow pain spasms may make walking and balance difficult. Making sure we always have ginger ale and crackers in the house for the times I have nausea (especially as some of my medications need to be taken with food). Still making plans, even if that means they might need to be altered (dialled back, postponed, cancelled, adjusted to accommodate xyz). Realising that a good day (symptom wise) can turn into a bad one (and a bad one into a good one), but that doesn't mean it will. Wanting to be intimate might mean not being able to physically do all the things we want to each (or most or any) time, but there are other things we CAN do instead. Coming to gp and specialist appointments and asking if I want him to wait in the waiting room or prefer for him to come in with me. Your partner's list could be very different, so remember to ask. How are you today? Do you need anything? What would make your day better? If I can help, please let me know. Genuinely complimenting her. Listening to her, because it is important to be listened to and heard. But it goes both ways. You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel as well because feeling tired or frustrated is human. Just be aware of not allowing it to be a tit for tat session.
Also, remember that in order to help her you need to take care of yourself and that includes your mental health. There are tonnes of support networks (online and through your gp surgery) that offers support and understanding for people who adopt a 'carer' role in their partnerships. That includes part time as well as full time. Taking time out for you is also important, whether it is a hobby you enjoy, pampering yourself, a regular coffee with a good friend, or something else.
Good luck!
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