Support for my girlfriend

Hey everyone. My girlfriend has been diagnosed with endo and is having a hysterectomy in a few days. Naturally she is nervous confused and stressed. Over the past few days she has become deeply depressed and withdrawn. She's questioning out relationship saying I won't want her now. This is not the case and I have been reading on other sites and they say this is normal. The depression

I was wondering if anyone has any advise or has experienced this and if there is anything I can do to help or support her. My main concern is her happiness and any advise would be greatly appreciated.

7 Replies

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  • Has she known for long about having the operation? Have her doctors tried alternatives, excision, insertion of Mirena coil etc? Xx

  • Hello Mstemp,

    I have endo but I have not yet taken the huge step that is to have a hysterectomy so I cannot give you that perspective; maybe others can...

    However, I can offer you some information that might help your girlfriend. There are some useful links too...

    This might be of use considering her impending surgery: hysterectomy-association.or...

    There are supports groups run by the charity (https://www.endometriosis-uk.org/find-local-support-group), online support groups (anonymous) (https://www.endometriosis-uk.org/online-support-groups) or in your local community or she could call someone (a volunteer who also has endo for example. Some I know have had hysterectomies)

    There is also a helpline run by volunteers - Freephone number: 0808 808 2227 (anonymous)

    This might help with the depression: counselling-directory.org.uk

    and finally, this might be helpful for more information: endometriosis.org/

    Take care and hang in there...

  • Hi, I'm afraid I don't have any experience of a hysterectomy but I can tell you that you are already being an incredible support even if it doesn't feel like it. Just being normal when she is feeling anything but that really helps. I am just recovering from my first op and diagnosis and it's the little things my partner has done for me that mean the world- he didn't care when I threw up in his car twice on the way home from the anaesthetic and still wanted to kiss and cuddle me; He sets alarms on his phone and makes sure I take my pain meds on time which is so helpful because my head is so full right now that I can't remember what I've had; Mostly he keeps showing me that he loves me through little touches. I read a really interesting article about the five different love languages 5lovelanguages.com/ which really helps you understand how your partner or family members feel loved and how you usually express that love. Mine is touch and my partner keeps sitting on the end of the bed and just massaging my feet and calves when I've been stuck in bed. It feels so wonderful that I've teared up almost every time. You could do the same for your girlfriend, or if hers is through words, write her a letter for her to come home to explaining how much you love her and want to support her. I hope that's helpful- you're already being amazing and the reason she seems like she's pushing you away over this is just because she's scared she doesn't deserve you x

  • Hi. It's such a hard decision to have a hysterectomy, I knew it was right for me but that doesn't make it any easier, particularly if you don't have children, like me. My husband struggled greatly with my emotions, but all I can suggest is that you're there for her. Trust me a hug goes a long way.

    Unfortunately I suffered major complications during my op which only came to light a few days later and I developed sepsis. I nearly lost my life, ironically this experience has brought us closer together that ever and reinforced the importance of actually talking to each other.

    How we deal with this is different for each of us. I'm sure you have already, but assure your girlfriend that you care for her and will be there to support her in whatever way she needs.

    Hope things work out ok xx

  • Hi all you can do is be there and support her when she needs you. I think from a personal experience I pushed my husband away because I thought he deserved better than to have to keep dealing with me being in constant pain the fact it's painful to be intimate with him I felt like he deserved so much more than I could give him, but he's stuck by me and we make the decisions together over my treatment now as I was offered a full hysterectomy however I've declined it as whilst I'm saying no more children and I'm extremely grateful for the two I've got I don't want the option taken from me unless it's absolutely necessary I spent a lot of time thinking about it but I think that I don't think I'd feel like a whole woman if it was all taken although it would help me with the pain of the endometriosis and pelvic congestion syndrome. So I've opted for prostap injections instead for 6 months again if it doesn't work then I'm having another laparoscopy and having my left ovary removed.

  • I had a hysterectomy and it didn't help my endometriosis it just left me in constant pain. All endo must be excised at time of hyster for it to be effective so ask the surgeon that this will happen.

    As others have said you are already being a great help so keep doing what you're doing. I expect she has gone into depression and therefore feels bad about herself and then doesn't basically like herself so can't understand how anyone can. Let alone love her. Having been someone who thought that at my worst it is a very real feeling and not believeing what anyone said however much you tell her you want to be with her she will keep pushing you away so just try to be patient and it will pass. If she is open to it a doctor can prescribe anti depressants and they will make her feel a little better and give her enough strength to look at other options - such as counselling or gentle exercise or support groups.

    There are two books I found very helpful to explain the illness and how to get through this time - climbing out of depression by Sue Atkinson and Depression, the curse of the strong by Tim Cantopher. Both are on Amazon pretty cheaply.

    Also there's a charity called Depression Alliance that is now part of Mind that can help you both so search out their detail too.

    Good luck to you both.

  • Perhaps one of the biggest and most powerful things you could do is to show her this post.

    It speaks volumes as to how much, how deeply you love her, want to help and will be there for her.

    If you can, encourage her to talk and practice active listening and empathy and resist solutioning.

    If she can't or isn't ready to talk, then you are doing the right thing with hugs and cuddles and kisses, cooking meals. You already know best.

    Such surgery is life changing. It is a huge thing and she will need time to absorb and grieve, all while trying to recover physically.

    Lastly, but importantly don't forget to look after yourself and your own needs as well. My hubby is devoted to me but getting run ragged and stressed which is becoming a source of worry free me on top of my endo and scarey surgery.

    Give yourself time out and find a friend to talk to if you can. (Often not a blokey thing to do I know). Its a stressful time and a strain on you too and both of you as a couple. Take care of you.

    She is a lucky lady x

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