Hey gals, here's a sex life poll. Would you please define "bad". You are in a relationship, would you consider it a bad sex life if just....
A) once a week
B) once every 2 weeks
C) once a month
D) once every 2 months, most likely an annual avg post prodedure or surgery
Also, please feel free to comment if you have or are considering breaking up because of this awful side effect. I'm on another forum, more broad based chronic pain and mental health where its full of a tons of singles. At times I wonder, are they single because of their CP or on the forum since they are lonely and have so much free time. Personally, I feel like this a life sentence on a marriage. It has so many negatives and my long term parter has been really worn down by it and it's become a major issue this past couple 9f months. Enough where maybe it's time to part ways.
Since trying over the past 2 years as aggressively as possible within insurance and out of pocket means doing many things, seeing specialists, alt medicine, tests, back to specilaists it basically has been back to ground zero with some improvement but still this life sentence of misery in my 30s (I have chronic back and leg pain also). Who wants to take someone down with you with it, right? What healthy minded spouse wants to take on such a limited life as well, right?
If you have also found ways to improve, please, please do share. Particularly if it saved your long term relationship.
Much gratitude,
OuchieGrouchie
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Ouchiegrouchie
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Hey, that's an interesting post and you're not alone in your thoughts. I used to feel that way but I've changed my outlook on myself and life - it takes a while!
As for sex life, I think that varies from couple to couple, and depends on their mood, their closeness and how important sex is. I mean there's basic "need it, and need you and need the release" sex, and there's "I want to be close to you, see where things go" sex. Sure everyone from time to time has the first, but a relationship should always be working towards the latter; those times are the most important as they define your comfort level and your closeness. We vary; sometimes it can be two or three times a week, sometimes it's once every 2 weeks, sometimes it's just "we need it" and sometimes it's "we want to be close". It does depend on my endo symptoms and how he's feeling too. Our relationship is very much emotionally all out there, we're honest, talk everything, and like contact, so sex is often "I want to be close to you".
There's nothing wrong or "bad" if sex is only every few months; some couples just don't need that, they're happy with the closeness and being around each other without that "need" and that's okay.
So what did I used to be like: well during all the times I was ill and had no idea what I had I'd feel like I was pulling my other half down, like he didn't deserve me, that he should be with someone healthy and happier, someone that wouldn't have "woman issues", that wasn't emotional, who wouldn't worry so much about the pain, someone he could just go places with and not worry how i'd feel or if i'd be ill.
I had all my consultations and lap diagnosis for endo with my hubby there (we'd been going out for 10 years and got married on our 10th anniversary, now been married 1 and a bit years). it really helped to have him there, he wanted to come along as his view was it affected him too and of course our relationship. It was actually really helpful as the specialist talked to him too, about my symptoms, what he'd noticed eg my tiredness, my mood etc, stuff we ignore.
I've learned to be really open with my hubby about how I'm feeling, we've researched endo together as he says it's our journey, and even though I have a health problem it's the same as any other health problem and when you get married you do think literally "in sickness and in health" he reminded me of that, and he chose to be with me so he will not leave me. That touched me, as it made me realise if he has chosen to be with me doesn't he deserve from me to make our relationship as good as it can be. So despite my endo, we still plan, we have holidays, we work around my endo symptoms, he's there when I'm feeling horrible so we can enjoy the good. I've learned to accept his help, his company, appreciate his choice to stay with me, his commitment, and in turn I'm honest about how I'm feeling.
As a result of all of those thoughts, discussions, being open, crying it all out, shouting and getting all my frustration out I've realised my endo is something that is just going to happen; if we're together we're stronger and we can work through this whatever happens, whatever path it takes, no matter how difficult. After all if it were the other way round I'd definitely be there for him, I'd never leave. We care for each other and we value the time we have; each day together, we live in the present and plan for the future. I let him know how much I appreciate and love him being here with me on this path.
Right enough of me! My advice; appreciate the other person, value their opinions and really listen to their thoughts, they make choices in their life, if you're one of them feel humbled and important after all you must be important if they chose you, don't ever push them away you're saying that they aren't worthy of your thoughts, that you're not important to them, that's not your decision to make, be more open, more honest, it can feel weird at first and it may distance you both as he may not be aware of all you're feeling so it may be overwhelming, deal with your emotions together, ask him more how he feels, what he wants life, what he thinks you could both to do help you through this. He may become the most important person in your life to help you through this and support you on your path so don't throw that opportunity away. But always keep in mind it may be a huge emotional journey for him and sometimes he may feel like you can't see that or he doesn't want to worry you so won't say stuff. He will become your closest friend; whom knows you, knows your endo, knows what to do to help and will always be there, if that's what you want In return just be yourself even if it's a new you.
Take the time to discover you, what your endo means, it's there to stay so don't let it become the monster in the closet; face it, deal with it's symptoms, take control of your life, plan around it, don't let it ruin what you have. Our lives are short so make the most of it, value those that want to be close, we all need people around us.
Farahziya, wow thank you so much! That was not too long, that's just what we need to hear, many thanks. I really appreciate your share and your advice. It sounds like you have found your zen in it all. Do you have any blogs, links or books you recommend?
Truly one of the most helpful responses I have read online. Period.
I don't have any specific books; I've googled mindfulness, we have a clinic near here, really calm, chilled, hippy type but cool perhaps there's one near you. It definitely gives you a different insight into living and thinking. Best thing I've learnt is just to take life slowly, appreciate each day and everyone in it
Books; there's a really good one on endo, to understand it in more detail, diet, medication, treatment, other peoples stories: "Living Well with Endometriosis: What Your Doctor Doesn't Tell You" you can get it on Amazon. I found it great for just getting to know what's going on.
Well... This is one area that I feel a bit of a freak and failure. I'm married and have been with my husband 15 or so years. We've not had sex for 4 years. 4 actual years. Nothing. I've been ill for, you guessed it, 4 years so there's clearly a link with that. I've only just been diagnosed with severe endo but for the past 4 years I've had disabling chronic fatigue,abdominal pain and back /hip pain. The last time I had sex it was painful but it also caused what I can only describe as a spasm on my rectum and the worst pain imaginable. That obviously put me off a bit but mostly I'm just bloody exhausted. I don't feel like me so I don't feel sexy or that I want to have sex. I can't use tampons as its like there's no space and it just gets pushed out so I can only imagine what sex would feel like.
My relationship isn't great anyway. My health issues have highlighted a lot of problems that were already there. Mostly that my husband is a very selfish person and I did everything. As I got ill, I couldn't do as much and he began resenting me. He became passive aggressive and quite unpleasant. I've done a lot of work on myself to understand what has gone on with us and I think we were/are in a codependent relationship but my illness has turned it all on its head and revealed all the issues. So really, sex is the last of my problems! 😂
I'm not sure if that's anything you can relate to. I just think they're usually is a lot more going on that just sex. I don't think you need to have intercourse for a loving and sexual fulfilling relationship, if everything else is good, then i don't think it's really an issue. But if everything else is 'bad' then I think it could highlight a lot of other problems that just all get protected on to the 'no sex' issue. That's just my take on it though.
I hope things are better for you than they are with me! X
Oh my, you poor thing. 4 years! Ahhh how frustrating! For you and him.
I do see what you mean. Lack of sex can bring out or worsen negative traits. Resentment for sure. I am sorry you are with a selfish person. All too common these days. Mine is not selfish and is patient, key traits in someone you need when ill. Sorry love.
I have an inkling of your rectal pain. Have you been checked (or researched) rectocele? After seeing a pelvic physio she wants me to ask my gyn about checking into it.
Also, have you tried Natural Calm? It's high end magnesium citrate. It has made my bowel movements better, in creation (lol) but especially during movement. Otherwise I have to do manual help at times. Bloody hell (I'm American, how'd I do?). My PT and a lot of Endo specialists say how important smooth and easy bm's are to an endo patient, in fact perhaps the #1 thing for pain management.
Gals, thanks so much. I hope others answer the poll. You two have been so helpful and I feel it's a big issue that needs discussion.
I'm the different end of the scale to farahzoya and weekari I am single and have been for at least 3 years now. I am single through choice I simply no longer want to date. The reason for this is that the last time I had sex some 7 years ago it was absolute agony. To the point that we couldn't finish and it ended the relationship I was in at that time. Since then it is painful to even put a tampon in or my finger (to check my coil strings) so I definitely don't want to go and have sex as I know that would still be agony.
Also the relationships I have been in since then have all followed the same path. It starts off great we get to know each other, we become an exclusive couple, we get to the stage where he wants sex and I have to explain my illness and that I can't do it. Generally the bloke then says it doesn't matter its not an issue for him and he still wants to be with me then about a month later boom they finish me because of it. Therefore after I was dumped the last time nearly 3 years ago I decided enough is enough and that I'm not going to date or be in a relationship again. The main reason being that I was always the one who was heartbroken and left and the bloke always found another girl (who would have sex with them).
After this decision I am actually happy single and comfortable and don't feel like I am missing anything. I have a horse who takes up a lot of my time and I think in a way my love for him fills my heart enough so I don't need a man.
I hope this brings about another perspective for you. 😊 xxx
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