Depression/Anxiety

[Endo15Hell]

I recently started a new job. It has excellent benefits, it's easy and -in every way- ideal. I enjoy it, or atleast I think I do... It's hard to tell anymore to be honest. I don't think I really enjoy anything. I struggle to sleep/stay asleep. I spend a lot of time listening to my heart beat in my ears. I feel mentally and physically tired constantly. I don't have friends because I can't be bothered and it consumes most of my energy just speaking. I have a loving husband, 2 great dogs, a beautiful home, a nice car and a great job yet I'm in pain constantly as a result of IBS-D and dysmenorrhoea. I've injured myself purposefully twice to get out of work, which makes me feel ashamed and honestly, I'm questioning whether or not I want to be here anymore. My doctors only have phone-on-the-day appointments so I'm going to try to get in Wednesday or Thursday but please -please, tell me what's wrong with me...

[luthien]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

Have you tried to talk to your husband about how you're feeling?

I understand where you are coming from with how you feel; I used to be that way too. It's a frame of mind that you need to change, for the better. There's some easy steps. Rather than looking for practical things that are great in life, material stuff, like a car, a husband, a job, focus more on the mental, emotional and time precious stuff. Look into mindfulness and yoga, they're not washy words they actually do help.

It's a process of learning: appreciate what you have, where you are, what you have gone through, accept that's you, all of it has made you who you are today. That can't be changed, you can change what you think and what you do in the future, it starts with positivity, and that doesn't come easily, it's not a switch.

Start with simple things, take the time to really think about them:

You have a loving husband, really love him and show how much you appreciate all he does including supporting you, I mean talking, getting emotional; you're in this life together, share it. Ask him how he feels about stuff, about you, you'll be overwhelmed with how much he values you and cares about you; after all he chose you.

You have your job; you got that because of all your achievements, they chose you as you put your all into that interview, they were impressed with you. You had some reason for wanting it, even if it's just money, it's always hard to say if you fully enjoy a job as we all need money and it provides that. If you want that to be practical that's fine.

Now focus on yourself; you are an individual, you've done well to get where you are, you have a husband so someone understands, cares and loves you, in ways you couldn't possibly know, and I'm sure you feel the same. Think about how you really feel about you; not everyone needs friends, but sometimes having one or two is good. And making the effort can sometimes feel a bit silly if it isn't repaid, but put that effort in, find the right people, get some really close friends and they'll be there for you. You don't need to talk to them all the time, or meet up lots, good friends are just there, you fit in with each other, some people have sociable friends that must meet up, go out etc. I have friend that I just say hi to, we chat, we meet up and go for food or cinema once a month, that's all I need, and they don't ask for more.

It sounds like you do have a lot going through your mind so perhaps seeing a counsellor? I know it sounds weird, but I've never been until recently, I had issues with myself; low self esteem, low confident, feeling drained, new endo diagnosis, feeling like I don't fit in, feeling like I had to be perfect, feeling like I couldn't talk or didn't want to. The counselling was actually amazing; a whole new perspective on myself, I realised that I'm dragging along a lot of stuff I thought I had left behind, I got emotional realising all the stuff people do say to me are actually compliments, and I deserve to be on this earth, I should value myself more. I think something like that would really help you. Look at different counsellors on line, and different counselling methods they use; some are for medical diagnosis, some are family, some are legal, some are sensitive issues, some are self focussed. The first session you'll go along and have a chat about what brought you here; needing to change I guess is it. They don't ask you what you want to change or get you to open up all in one go, they are careful and make it comfortable. It's not like in movies!! I found talking to someone other than my friends and hubby helped; different perspective.

Wellness gets you to focus on you and your inner self; appreciating the now, as in really seeing things deeper than just physical aspects of "I have" and "I want" and "I am".

Yoga helps with breathing, calmness and relaxation; it helps you really feel the world around you.

I know it all sounds odd, but sometimes looking for a practical solution to an emotional problem doesn't work. And when we are so overwhelmed with emotions we sometimes just block them all, but that takes mental effort so we end up exhausted, and like there's a weight we need to sort but don't want to - I'm suggesting ways that could help - you'll need to be willing to try though

This stuff doesn't happen overnight, message me if you want to talk, I know how you feel, I really do xx