Where to start...

[Jess96]

This post is about my personal story.

Today, I went to the doctors. I was only going to ask for a sick note (I'm claiming for ESA) and to ask for a repeat prescription of the pill. It's probably been the most eventful doctors appointment I've ever had.

As soon as I got in there, I became very emotional and burst into tears. Usually I'm quite a reserved person, but lately I've been struggling to control my emotions. Crying so easily at everything.

Because I was unable to talk, my mum told the doctor how I've lost the will to live. Sleep most of the day. Barely eat. Can't seem to motivate myself. How much pain I'm in. And been talking about what the point of life is and not wanting to carry on. Hearing all that made me cry more. I'm on antidepressants, but the doctor said I need to pair that with counselling. Easier said than done when I'm terrified of talking to people because of my social anxiety.

It came out in the doctors appointment that my mum had got a date for my ESA assessment, but hadn't told me because she knew I'd be panicking for two weeks. I know she was trying to save me from worrying, but she was planning on telling me a day before, which I don't agree with, because I need to mentally prepare myself for talking to people. The doctor said that I need to speak to people about how I'm feeling, to get support, for the sake of my mental health. I talk a lot to my boyfriend, but it's difficult living in Wales and waiting to move back to England. I know nobody round here, so I barely have any human contact. I know I'll move back to England eventually, but my doctor said, for now I need to offload onto people and use them as my own counsellor, so I'm not bottling it up. So I guess that's why I'm writing this post.

The doctor weighed me and he's worried because I've already lost a load of weight, and I've also lost some more since my last appointment. So he's sending me to a dietician. He also said I'm agoraphobic because I don't go out of the house. But to be honest, I don't fear going out, I just don't have the motivation to. And the only reason I get nervous is because of the social aspects of going out. So I'm not too sure about that.

I know all this stuff is just help and solutions for my anxiety and depression, and eating problems, but I feel bombarded with it all.

[JeanOsborne]

Hi Hun , it sounds like you've had quite a day. Hoping you're ok. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and that I'm here for you anytime. Lots of love and hugs .

[Jess96 in reply to JeanOsborne]

Thank you. I don't really know what to think at the moment. Stuff is happening that's out of my control, so I'm just having to go along with it

[JeanOsborne in reply to Jess96]

Sometimes it's best that way. I know it's hard but try not to think about it all too much as it will only make it worse. I know it's easier said than done. I'm the same . I tend to overthink everything even to the point I go over and over different scenarios/conversations in my head till it drives me crazy. And I know it doesn't help but can't stop myself. That's one of the reasons i come on here. I try and help others if I can and at the same time it helps me put things into perspective. Look after yourself Hun. You know I'm here for you. Wish I was there with you to give you a big big hug.

[Jess96 in reply to JeanOsborne]

I'm feeling a bit better about it now. I've spoken to my boyfriend, and spoken to my dad too. So hearing what they say helps me put things into perspective a bit more. I'm sure I'll be freaking out in two weeks time when it's my assessment for the ESA. But I think for now I'm ok with it and just going to let stuff happen, because I know it's for the best.

Thanks

[JeanOsborne in reply to Jess96]

Take care Hun.

[Larrie7]

Ha I overthink things too the other week I was totally exhausted and couldn't understand why. Wasn't around my time of month and the week before I'd felt really good. I was overthinking things to the point that I was wondering if my eating a lot of avocado lately could be the cause. Like maybe fatigue is a a symptom of overdosing on avocado. .. of course thats ridiculous. Anyway I know the feeling of feeling overwhelmed. Lucky I do have a good support network around me and it sounds like you do to. So defo talk to your mum and boyfriend, I found exercise helps me. If you have a day where you don't feel too bad maybe try a walk somewhere on your own, in the park or somewhere nice. That way you don't have to talk to anyone but might feel a little better mentally. And if you're thinking of counselling there are some charities around which do it and wont cost too much. Hang on in there. It will get better.

[Jess96 in reply to Larrie7]

Haha that's funny about the avocado XD But yeah, it's good to have people who help. I'm going to try and do little things and hopefully it will help.

Thanks

[Moonflower]

I think we all get to that "I don't know what to do anymore" phase and it's so amazing you have great support around you. It's difficult when you're in pain you feel like you have the world against you sometimes but just focus on getting better. With endo it's also easy to forget the emotional toll it takes on us emotional creatures anyway. If you need a chat pm me anytime xx hugs xx

[Jess96 in reply to Moonflower]

Thank you

[Alina_Mihaela]

Hi ,

I have not been diagnosed with anything else you said officially but I believe everyone whom is suffering from hard and difficult conditions has it in some percent. 

The overwhelming of thoughts is a daily battle in everyone's life, people whom do not suffer , rarely understand isn't it? 

Anyway I am what people call a sad person, I rarely smile and have a long face , it is my attitude where if I am happy I joke and talk if I am not I am quiet and this is me, you don't have to like me or accept me... 

When you start getting stuck on a thought try doing some activity which doesn't require a lot of thinking and try listening to songs you like at same time while repeating the lyrics . It helps me when I am upset not to think of what I am upset and manage to fall asleep at night. I am usually an evening thinker.... 

Good luck with your assessment and hope for good news. 

[Jess96 in reply to Alina_Mihaela]

Thank you for your advice