I don't know what to do....

[Mistiek]

I had to return to work yesterday after a weeks annual leave... It was so stressful. I'm a nurse and I love my job but at the moment where I work is too stressful for me. Too many patients to see in a day and not enough hours. I can usually cope with this but finding it difficult with everything else going on. I'm finding that the more stress the worse the pain gets... then to find myself in agony and not wanting to take painkillers as I don't want to be dopey and dealing with patients. This morning I woke up and cried for 45 min before phoning my boss to say I was not coming in. She understands what I'm going through but I can't keep doing this. It's the 3rd time in about 4 months I have had to do this...

I cried last night in the shower and wanted to get in my car and just drive far away from it all and be left alone... I'm becoming more aware of how much this is changing my life and how the simple things like food shopping can be hard work... I'm thinking my mental state is starting to take a knock and I'm scared of finding myself in a dark place.

I'm trying to decide if I go back to the doctors to ask for help again (last time they put me on fluoxatine which sent me suicidal) get booked off or what?!?!?! I don't know what to do... worried about work, how my partner will think of me etc, but I feel so low today just want to cry all the time...

[daffodil]

So to hear how you are suffering -please go back to your Gp .You don't mention if you have a diagnosis of endometriosis /adenomyosis or what treatment you are on.Perhaps you could fill us in a bit more?But regardless of where you are on the endo journey,if you are feeling low you need to get some help.There are plenty antidepressants you can try and it may also make your Gp take you seriously about how your pain is affecting every part of your life.

Believe me,this comes from someone who has been in your place and was in so much pain I wondered how may painkillers I would need to take before the pain would go.This was what made my Gynae sit up and listen.

Some antidepressant eg amitriptyline are also used for pain,so maybe this would be worth a try.Ask for a referral to a Pain Clinic as this can also help.

This is such a cruel disease--largely unseen and misunderstood but this is a wonderful forum and there are lots of us ladies who will understand how you are feeling. Chronic pain, fatigue and all the issues that go with our illness can wear down the spirit, especially as we worry that others will not understand.

I am unable to work due to ME,Meningitis damage and endo/adenomyosis,so at least I don't have to do the explaining why I was off sick so often,but I know that when I was teaching I was generally met with disbelief that my periods had me in bed for 3 days.

Please see your GP urgently and use this as a pathway to getting your pain under control and or the endo treated.Feel free to pm me any time.

Sending you a big hug -you can get through this and there are people who can help support you.

[Mistiek in reply to daffodil]

Thank you daffodil for your reply, I was diagnosed with endo last year during a lap. A small area was found on my left ovary that was removed. I had been fine until February when I started with constant back ache standing after 10 min. Then the pain in my left ovary area started and then pain sometimes when going to the toilet both ways but more when I have a wee... The pain is not unbearable all the time. Sometimes it's just a slight niggle... last week I had 2 pain free days!!! I was on leave... now thinking the stress at work makes it worse. GP says endo is back, I can't take the pill or depo as it generally makes me feel very ill, hence why I was sterilised last year. So there is not much they can do. So going back the the gynea in 2 weeks time. But I fear I won't like what I hear or get the right results... I don't know! Don't know what to ask or expect. I use tramadol and paracetamol on the days it gets really bad. Cocodamol gives me bad nightmares etc. Tramadol is ok but I find when it wears off I feel very rough. So try get through my days with heat bags and rest. What I'm struggling the most with is the fatigue and the back ache... It stops my enjoying a lot of what I used to. And I'm so down now I feel what's the point? Is this what life is... just one big crap ball of stress. I'm going to see my gp tomorrow.... again! So fed up and I don't think I'm half as bad as some of the people here... yet

[Clarence80 in reply to Mistiek]

I'm a teacher and either had time off from work, came into work and made lots of stupid mistakes or was really grumpy from fatigue that I was no use to the kids so I know how stressed and fed up you must be.

I asked my GP if they could refer me for counselling as I wasn't coping with my condition or possible infertility-I just couldn't stop crying at anything and everything. Unfortunately in my area there is no free therapy so I have had to pay (this added to my worries also!) but I am 6 weeks in and it's making a difference.

I really hope your appointment is productive and you are taken seriously. Please keep us updated. Xx

[Mistiek]

Back from the go, he said we will start with 3 weeks. Anything less is not enough time and he wants to see me and review things before I go back! I tried to argue about work etc and he gave me a stern talking to... Said I am no use to my patients if i don't Look after myself and if a make a mistake because I'm too stressed or distracted etc no one will support me! He says he knows how it is in the healthcare profession and that I need to stop feeling guilty and worrying about everyone else as it's only going to make it harder to recover.

He has put me on citalopram which I had before with pnd and will review that when I go back.

He also moaned at me about not controlling my pain which has lead me to get so down. He told me to stop worrying about getting dependant on the tablets and to get on top of the pain for now. He says because I have halved the dose I should be ok but if I become dependant to not worry they will wean me off if the time comes and it happens...

So I'm at home... work are not thrilled but my case manager seemed to understand. Citalopram down, painkillers down and I'm on the sofa with my heat pads.... chilling.

Hope you are all ok. Thank you for your messages xxx

[Mistiek in reply to Mistiek]

Had lunch and then fell asleep.on the sofa... woke up and I feel crap! This is why I'd not take the painkillers.... feel even more drained now! Will take not her one and will try taking regularly for a couple of days to see if I will get used to it....

I am so busy this week though I need to be more alert than this! I have a massive community fun day I'm running on Saturday and I'm not quite ready with everything. ...

One less thing to stress about after Saturday though....thankfully

[daffodil in reply to Mistiek]

Your GP seems an understanding person,so please use these 3 weeks off work to be kind to yourself.I think most folks in the "caring professions" are so caring that we sometimes forget to care for ourselves! That was why I was struck down with ME as I kept going -teaching,looking after a young family ;trying to keep going with all sorts of voluntary work until.... my body said no !I read of others stories and see in them all the mistakes I made.So,my dear please recognise thatyou are ill -you have a chronic and incurable disease and you have to adjust your life to this .The main thing is pain relief -you need to find something that you can function on,but if you have to take Tramadol and be zonked out in bed,then you just have to be off work.

Have you tried TENS machine?I personally don't find it helps but many swear by it.Its often a matter of experimenting to get the right combinations of pain relief.Ask your gynae what the next step is -another lap,Gnrh?Above all stress just how this is affecting your whole life and affecting your mental health.

I have been pretty fortunate in that although I have had endo since age 14yrs( not diagnosed till early 30s) the pill,then depo,the gnrh treatments have been successful,so I have only experienced severe symptoms at the times I have had to come off them and now,as Im approaching 50 and been mosltybedbound since last October.Though hormonal treatments have had side effects,they were better compared to being in 24/7 agony.

Stress definitely worsens any symptom s do investigate ways of reducing and controlling stress.I use mindfulness meditation and heartmath techniques and they really do help.Use your time off work to investigate some simple techniques.

Hope this helps -did you manage to run today?

[Mistiek]

Thank you daffodil....

I will try and relax and find my mind etc in these next 3 weeks... already stressing about going back to work and thats still 2.5 weeks away! I had a massive community and fun day to host yesterday which went well and now that that is finished it's one less thing to worry about.... now just to find a way to deal with the rest of the crap so it does not stress me out so much.

The citalopram has hit me hard and makes me feel yuk... but I know it's a temp thing. I'm still loath to take the pain killers as they do really knock me. Although I took some yesterday afternoon as I was getting rather sore and they worked wonders! Was on my feet most of the day running around. Today I sit here and it's just twinges... enough to be annoying but not enough to have me doubled in pain... so feel it's not crippling so just get on with it. But it's the annoying pain that's constantly there most days that's getting to me... even though it's not 10/10 score... does that make sense?

Sorry I'm rambling again... had a soak in the bath this evening and trying to make sense of everything and just cried....

I'm glad I have my daughter this week (I have shared custody) it's the only thing stopping me getting a bag packed and jumping in my car and driving where ever it will take me.... like I could run away from all the crap... lol.

Anyways... hope you are ok and have had a good bank holiday weekend xx