Sudden DEEP Depression and Endo??

History: I was called "possibly infertile" at 17, had my first miscarriage at 18, started depo provera once engaged and had a full term pregnancy at 19. I had a 2nd pregnancy right after, babies 17 months apart, also a depo baby. I had terrible pain all the while, but all anyone could say was I had a tilted uterus and low tolerance for pain (BS! Ex: I do my own piercings). The pill did nothing but make me crazy, so we tried an IUD, which rejected in under 2 months, and I was left with another miscarriage. I had a tubal ligation(my tubes tied) just after my 22nd birthday, and 6 months later I was taking my uterus out because it had grown to the size of a grapefruit. In SIX months! The doc was my obgyn from baby #2. He did a biopsy and said it was Adenomyosis, but didn't check surrounding tissue, just took my uterus out. A year later went back for similar pain, but since he couldn't seen anything in scans said it was just low pain tolerance to ovulation cysts and irritable bowels. I was so angry (I have paid him thousands to blow me off) that I left and never went to the follow up with the IBS medicine (threw it away.)

Now: I'm 24 and been handling things on my own with natural approaches mixed with an suicide aromatase inhibitor, but I have to cycle off of that (according to Internet research) and this is my first month with such terrible pain again. The AI works when I can take it, and even though I am supposed to cycle off to let my hormones balance, so I don't lower estrogen TOO much, I had to take a couple capsules today. My body feels like I did 500 crunches and then drank fire, then put an ice pick through my ovary into my spine when i eat. I am a SAHM of 2 toddlers and can't play, can't do chores, and feel isolated from my husband and friends. I honestly want to drink alcohol or smoke mj, both of which I haven't done since early college*, just to deal with the pain and depression. I can't keep taking norco and excedrin migraine, or I'll get caffeine/codine headaches too. So I go every other day with pain meds. It's terrible today and I've never felt so depressed when I have every reason to be happy! I have a great positive mental attitude for the majority of life, and ive worked hard to get to the top of my mind-body connection. But the last 2 or 3 days have been helatious, and I just want to hide from the world. Anyone have advice on how to get through the "black as hell" days?

*American, but UK knows more about endo than us ;)

6 Replies

  • Basically just ended up putting myself back on my AI, cycling off be darned. Feeling much better now that the kids are asleep and I can rest/be alone. Afraid next month will be rough though. Keep on keeping on!

  • Speak to your GP about anti-depressants - I know they do get a bad press- but taken for the right reasons my god they can make life so much more bareable.

    And don't avoid MJ either if it helps, but with depressive illness it can make that worse. It is very good for relieving stress and giving you a really good nights sleep too. So while it is still an illegal drug - it does have proven medicinal benefits too.

    But the risk is you become reliant on it. So long term it's not an ideal solution.

    With adeno out of the way, are your pains showing any signs of following cycle or pattern?

    ny endo that you might have will still think its in the womb and react to hormone signals from the ovaries so if you keep a pain diary that should in a matter of weeks show up if a pattern is emerging point to the cause of pain being endo.

    If your pains are all the time, then endo is much less likely to be the beast and you need then to be looking as nerve damage from the surgery or ovarian cysts.

    There was a very informative article in the UK newspaper called the Daily Mail - which I do link to on occasionswhere women are complaining of post hysterectomy pains.

    Especially to take note of the comments underneath written by Mr Trehan.

    It could explain your pain and offer you some hope that it can be resolved with the appropriate surgical expertise.

    Quite where you would find a surgeon in the US to perform it is another matter and you might need to do quite bit of ground work tracking one down.

  • Thank you for your informative comment! I actually have a high psychological sensitivity to synthetic hormones, which makes me depressed or anxious with a severe change in them. My doc found it by accident after my 2nd child when he out me on the pill, and gave me prozac to fight off the doom and gloom. I had an allergic reaction to it and went into psychosis, where I was hospitalized for a week to detox it. Ever since that my depression has been at my painful episodes, which ARE cycle related. I chart religiously. So it's endo and my doc is hiding behind the "I got it all" reasoning. Which is just making me more angry. And anger internalized is depression.

    Long story short, I should probably just smoke on the one week of every quarter when I have to cycle off. :) this weekend was my first time cycling off like this in 3 months, and I had been spoiled to relatively pain-free living, so it was super scary and doubly painful. Thanks again. Going to read that site now

  • Your lucky that you have two children. I've been told if I don't have them now I probably won't have them at all (I'm 20). My ex left me because of the pain my friends all left me. My best mate is pregnant and it upsets me to see her becaue she gets her family. Loads of my family don't understand and think I'm making it all up. I take morephine for the pain but work in care home so have to be careful when I take it I suffered with depression since I was a teenager and antidepressants did nothing so now I don't take them and cry all the time everyone is always put befor my own Heath. I push my self over the limit to so things when I'm in pain. Drinking and smoking really isn't going to help it will just make you more drepressed yes the pain might go away but the depression will get worse and you won't be able to play with you kids because you won't want to. We all are fighting our doctors to get what we want and some battle for longer than others. I just think there are people in a worse situation and that helps me. Think of your two children not that you lost one before and think lucky to have children because to help me I alwyas say there are people on a worse situation

  • Feeling much better today. Thank you for your input.

    Actually being a sex trafficking activist has me constantly thinking of how others have it worse off than me. It's one of the reasons I got so upset, ironically enough. "You have NO RIGHT to complain and be this upset when there are whole worlds collapsing out there" doesn't really make you feel any better. A good dose of "it could always suck more" doesn't fire me up to action. But I do see where you're coming from. I'm incredibly blessed which is exactly why it's so hard to share how I feel with family and friends, so I turn to other people (ie:forums). Sometimes you just can't think clearly enough to tell yourself you're worthy of greatness, but also of having an "off" day. America is great at breeding the "supermom". She's terrible at telling her it's OK to be weakened and feel average.

    Hang in there. I wasn't planning my babies but God had different plans!

  • Hope you get some peace in all this soon, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. We are blessed to have children but no matter how much we love them and are grateful for them we can still get exhausted and find being the mum we want to be really difficult because of the pain. You sound very resourceful and competent, and very determined to cope - all of which you'll be passing onto your babies in the long term; so go easy on yourself if you have days when you can't be all that you want to be. My girls are 19, 21 and 23 .... I haven't been the perfect mum but they love me more than I'd have thought possible and are happy!

    Be gracious with yourself. And I hope you get some support. We all need it sometimes xxx

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