Why am I always late and feel demotivated?

I am always late to work so much so that I am under disciplinary AGAIN from my boss. I'm not doing it on purpose and can't understand why the heck it keeps happening. I also have the worst sleeping patterns ( this could be linked to my working hours?) but I regularly sleep at 3am and get up out of bed at like 11 the earliest. I'm constantly constipatated ( ew I know) and know this is linked to my eating habits where im eating too much or too much junk. And I'm always so tired. And just out of it at work and at home - just generally.

I'm very demotivated and fed up all the time. All of my friends and family are very successful and well put together and know exactly what they are doing with their lives. I feel so worthless and pathetic next to them and within my self. I know I'm just in a funk but I can't get my self esteem out of the gutter and motivate my self to do any thing. I just can't focus. And I'm always so tired.

I did not used to be like this or feel like this. I was always praised for being the most motivated confident goal focused person. I used be the one that knew exactly what I wanted to do. And I was always doing things. I am a writer and loved to write. I wrote solidly for hours on end every single day with out fail and with such joy since I was maybe 13? Or younger? And now I'm 23 and I can't remember the last time I've written like that. I've graduated and have great friends and family that love and support me. Even at work I'm well liked and known as the one that always smiles- infact im the one person everyone gets on woth! but I feel im just going through the motions.

I feel I've had personality issues and problems with mood since a very young age. As a child I used to have extremely vivid hallucinations. I also was and am a sleep walker ( used to freak my mum out a lot as a child!) but not so much now. I now realise they were perhaps panic attacks?since then I've suffered from panic disorder. I don't have them as regularly now. Bit feelings of one coming every now and then. But I am not an anxious person.

I have terrible vivid nightmares. Where I'm waking myself up be because I'm crying or trying to say something. My most recent was about my grandma dying horribly. My grandma died recently and I was her main carer. I looked after her day and night even though there was pleanty of other people to watch her.

I also had night mares where I can feel evil presences in the room and for the longest time since a child have slept with the light on. As a child I used to hallucinate horrible things were in my room. As a teen I felt I was physically woken up- as in strangled or suffocated by a person which would waken me. And now I just sometimes feel that dread that something is there that will wake me up. I don't know if all this happens because I have a vivid imagination or if there's something wrong with me.

I've also have one last symptom if you can call it that. I Know this had been with me since a child. It's never lessened or increased just always present. It's hard to describe. But I'll give it ago. Perhaps the best way to describe is a constant paranoia?like im being watched. All the time. Sometimes I feel like no one else is real and its just me.or sometimes I feel trapped inside my self and there's no way for me to get out. Sometimes I feel I'm meant to do something very important but I won't know any answers until I die. Actually I feel all these things at once but if I think about this too much I feel I'd go mad. I do not and have never felt suicidal. I did once cut my wrists ( I do not know why? For attention?) but felt so pathetic and guilty cannot even entertain the thought of doing it again .

So what is wrong with me? Am I depressing? Crazy? Help.


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3 Replies

  • It sounds like you've got a huge amount going on. I did crazy, crazy things in my sleep as a teenager. The worst was when I 'woke' up convinced my house was going to blow up. I climbed out of bed and stood on the window sill and prepared to jump out. It was only the uncertainty of whether the thick vine beneath would cushion my fall that made me stop. Instead I went downstairs, let myself out into the street and sat on the wall. I then took some handfuls of mud and threw them at my parents window to try and wake them. It didn't work. I then decided that if my family were going to die, I would like to die with them. So I went back in the house and cuddled the dog until I fell asleep. I was found the next morning by my parents, with a tear stained face, sleeping on the living room floor.

    I can remember it vividly, yet I don't understand how I was conscious enough to make decisions, yet behaved so irrationally at the same time? In the space of a night I considered jumping out of a first floor window, put myself and my family at risk by opening the front door in the middle of a council state, and contemplated suicide!

    The point I'm trying to make is that we should never underestimate the power of the mind while at rest. It could well be that your dreams are influencing these paranoid thoughts you're having. Or vice versa. I woyd definitely speak to yor GP and ak to be referred to a sleep clinic. Like you, my nights are my busiest time and a result by 7am when I have to get up, I often feel drained. Is there an opion for you to adjust your working hours any do maybe 11 until 7?

    Sorry I've gone off on a tangent and haven't really addressed your concerns! X

  • you are not crazy hun, you sound depressed, exhausted and grieving.

    do you think you could talk to your gp? - maybe copy & show him your post, and ask him to sign you off. be honest.

    ring for an app't and don't accept "no"

    if they say emergencies only, yes it is, you need to be seen.

    let us know how you go on.



  • And hard though it may be,improve your diet. Quit the junk food - you've got enough to cope with without putting pressure on your physical system. Your body has to deal with everything that you swallow and some things are easier than others. All processed food puts a huge strain on your body, gives you constipation and will make you tired, because any energy you have is being used to deal with the junk, so after eating you end up with a net loss of energy. Try and eat simple, fresh, whole foods that are easy to digest. Get in the kitchen and try cooking - it can even be therapeutic.

    I know it's easier said than done, but honestly food makes a difference.