I should be excited but all I want to do is die

I've suffered from depression all my life and have tried different outlets like therapy, seeking company from friends and family...yet as of the last couple of years things have gotten hard to control...I should be feeling like I'm on cloud 9. I've been given an amazing opportunity to start fresh in a new state yet all I wanna do is kill myself because I don't believe I'll ever find someone to share my happiness with. It seems any guy I've ever been interested in just plays the part and throws me away and it seems no matter what I do it's never good enough for any of them. I feel like I am worthless...people say how I'm so nice and I'm pretty but I don't see it at all. And although I have friends who care I feel like I'm just a bother to them and I can't bother them with my burdens. Its hard for me to even wanna get out of bed and often I think if I just died it would be better for everyone...and who knows perhaps nobody would actually even give a shit about it. I wish I could have a chance to be a completely different person because it seems like no matter what I do I completely repulse the people who I am or try to get involved with and that even if they aren't mean to me....they always leave and find someone better. I know this whole subject sounds stupid but I'm really starting to believe that I was put on this earth as a joke and to never be happy or to get the one thing I've wanted since childhood which is to be in a loving relationship

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  • I feel just like you do I thought it was just me and no one else thinks or feels like this. I know exactly how you feel, I am going through this now. I pray for happiness , peace for us and everyone else who feels this way. Hope you feel better hun.

  • Hi nice to meet you. I recognise those thoughts you are having very well and it is definitely depression. Are you currently having any treatment for it? Are you on any meds or having any counselling?

    I think you need to seek medical help. If you are already getting this then I would go back to your doctor and tell them what is happening.

  • I was going to however now I'm in the process of moving out of state in two weeks so unfortunately there's hardly anytime. The doctors scheduling here sucks

  • it will come to you without you even knowing. You just need to keep busy, concentrate on yourself, rather than thinking about others and find something that makes you want to get out of bed each day and see it through. I feel like shit at the moment, keep spending money gambling, depressing me, feel suicidal at times nothing to show in my life, friends have pretty much disappeared over the last couple of years. Determined to put it right, just started a 100 day plan, involved getting in shape, having money in the bank no more gambling, making a bit more effort with everything. Setting up mini goals each week, started off ok, feel a bit more positive. will snap out of this, hope you do too.

  • Your post reminds me of how i feel most of the time, i can relate to everything you have said. EVERYTHING! i dont know exactly what to say to make you feel better but i hope knowing you are not the only one feeling this way gives you some comfort. You are not alone and trust me if you have people to call friends you will hurt them terribly if you went.

    For me when i get suicidal thoughts, i think about the people who need me or the people who i would hurt.

    I have been single for 5 years due to the same things you describe and i think it all comes down to loving yourself. If you fall in love with you then it makes it easier for others to fall for you too and in turn harder for them to walk away. You just havent met the right person yet and you will. Xx

  • just pray to god its the holy month of ramadan he will surely accept your prayers x

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