Changes

In the past 5 months, I've moved homes, regions, jobs and become a father for the first time at the ripe old age of 27. I've always felt like a kid in a man's body, all these things are happening to me and I feel like I don't have control of any of them.

My relationship with my girlfriend is so unstable and despite both of us being quite mature and open about the problems we face as a couple.

Meanwhile I've got a baby boy that I've absolutely fallen in love with. He's such a cool little dude and only 9 weeks old!

My problem is how do I know when to accept that it's not going to work and think about an exit plan and when to keep fighting?

4 Replies

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  • Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy MrCareBear You have had a lot of life changes to deal with and all on top of an unstable relationship.

    Only you can come to the decision to make changes to improve what is not working well for you. Being in an unstable relationship will not help you if you carry on, that is a dead cert.

  • You keep fighting until its obvious that nothing can make it work. That cute little baby boy in my opinion needs both his mother and father. So many these days don't have both and the kids survive but as I say,in my opinion , chances are better for those who have both. Its unlikely that 40.000 years of evolution are wrong and the "death" of the family unit in the last 100 years is right. Thats my opinion.

    Olderal

  • I found myself in a similar position years ago. I literally woke one morning & it was obvious things would never be right. Don't mean things would be the same but if you wanna natter/draw comparisons ....

  • Have you tried counselling? Either individually or as a couple? It sounds like it would be sensible to wait a while before making a decision about slitting up. The fact so much has happened in a short period of time and you feel out of control sounds like some individual counselling might be helpful. Why didn't you feel in control? Did you feel your girlfriend pushed you into these changes or were they out of control for both of you? If your girlfriend made the decision and you didn't agree then look at why you didn't say anything, or if you did why she didn't listen. That's simplifying things a lot I know but if you understand why things happen you might feel able to have more input in future and therefore more control.

    As you say you're both open about the problems you face as a couple individual counselling might help you work things out if your girlfriend doesn't want to attend. I think it would be helpful if she did attend though. Even if you eventually decide to separate you will still need to remain in contact with each other because of your son. If you can make things work great, if not then try to make it the best split possible. Counselling can help with that.

    Have you been diagnosed with depression? Are you getting help from your GP? Such life changes can cause depression in some people, and others who are already depressed just don't cope well. Have you been thinking about leaving your girlfriend for a long time or is it something you're thinking about more recently? If you're very low the thought of getting out of the current situation can be very appealing and this may cloud your decision making. Please try to get help and speak to someone before you make any decisions about this. You could leave and still feel bad about things and how things are going in your life but you'll be without your girlfriend and probably seeing less of your son. It seems a shame to risk that if your current feelings and the state of your relationship could be due to illness.

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