I'm not sure...

Hi,

I've never done a post like this where I have publicly spoken about how I feel. I've always tried to see the blessings in my life and I always think that someone else has it worse. I feel like I'm being whiny and that I should pick myself up and keep it moving.

I feel like it goes back to when I was a child. I felt like my dad bullied me, on top of being bullied at school as well. My dad was abused himself by his parent and although he didn't really resort to smacking me, it was more of a mental and emotional infliction upon me. I grew up feeling worthless and unwanted a lot of the time because of him. My mum says that she fought behind closed doors about how he treated me but growing up, it felt like she didn't care. It made me feel like I was too sensitive.

When I was nearly 20, I left home to move in with my then-boyfriend who was five years older than myself. At the time, I had been with him for around 2 and a half years & I felt like he was my way out, my 'knight in shining armour' you could say. But a month prior to me moving in with him, he confessed to sleeping with a co-worker. I decided to still move in with him as things were getting too bad at home and I had a uni place where we would be living; plus I didn't want to admit to anyone what had happened.

I stayed with my then-boyfriend for just over another three years. In that time, the relationship grew more and more toxic and destructive, much of which I kept to myself. It brought to a point where I failed a year at uni & I couldn't handle working so I quit my job. I then didn't leave my flat for nearly three months. In that time, the only people that I spoke to was my family over FaceTime or the phone who were over 400 miles away.

I eventually got the courage and split up and moved away from him to a new city. Fast forward two years later to the present day, I am with someone else who I couldn't love anymore if I tried and it I reciprocated; but I dropped out of uni at the very last hurdle because I couldn't do it anymore. It's as if for the last year in particular, my brain is cloudy. I can't concentrate on what I need to, & even though my future was and is at stake, I just didn't care anymore.

Now I feel hopeless for my future. I've went from going out to see my friends, to cancelling a few meet ups on the day to just making excuses as to not going out. I also hate my job, but I put up with it because it wasn't ever going to be a forever thing; but now that I'VE screwed up my future, it deeply saddens me that it seems like it might be.

I was due back at work last week, but when my manger came to speak to me to catch up (I was off for nearly three weeks holiday-dissertation) I just burst out into tears at my failures. He sent me home and I was meant to go back last Saturday, but I start panicking about leavinv my front door.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I'm getting frustrated that I can't just pick myself up and look forward and keep it moving like I seem to be usually be able to do.

I don't want to waste anyone's time & I'm sorry that this is such a long post, but I'm just so lost. I don't know what to do anymore.

10 Replies

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  • Being only 16 I can't offer any advice but I can talk if u need it. I think you should go to a support group or something, maybe see a doctor for antidepressants. Maybe you could have something that needs some attention? I don't know but if you need any emotional support, I'm available.

    BTW I have suspected Rapid cycling bipolar type 1... so I could be too over the top and happy or the other way and say things unintentionally 😐 just thought u should know in case I say something that could hurt u

  • Just responding to my post is more than enough for me. Thank you for taking your time to do so & I would like to accept your offer, but also to reciprocate it :) Don't worry, I'll be sure not to take offence.

    Thank you again Ibanana

  • No problem 🙃

  • Hi there Patstrooper17

    Welcome to our Community.

    We all have times in our lives when we have a low mood so please don't feel that you shouldn't be posting here or that you should always 'soldier on',

    I'm so sorry that you had such an unhappy childhood and the consequences of this appear to have carried with you into your teens. You said you moved in together to escape home and I can really understand that.

    It's very sad that you had to give up Uni and your job but you were clearly suffering, which affected your mental wellbeing.

    To drop out of Uni like that in the last year because you felt your brain was cloudy (brain fog), was the time to seek help. It's not too late and I would go and talk about this with your doctor, I'm sure he/she will be able to offer you the support you need.

    You haven't 'screwed up' your future and it's certainly not too late to turn this around, you just need to chat with a professional, nothing to worry about, honestly.

    You're definitely not wasting our time and I'd like you to stay in touch with us and remember, never apologise, we've all been through something!

    When you see your doctor, ask for a medical certificate to cover you for the last absent period and then you don't have to worry about that.

    Warm wishes

    Chloe

  • Thank you for responding chloe40.

    I've always been hesitant to seek help. I've always thought that I was just being overly sensitive & I know that I also have the issue of running away from dealing with negative emotions.

    I have reached out to a counselling service that is supplied for by the company that I work for. I plan to seek advice on my situation and how I can move forward.

    Although I've been vague in my original post in terms of timelines, I'm 25 now I don't feel like I can continue like this.

    Thank you for not making me feel like I'm overreacting or for shunning my feelings. I'm glad that I decided to post here.

    Thank you again

  • No problem at all Patstrooper17 that's what we're here for, to support you at any time. Don't be a stranger!

    Chloe

  • Hi Patstrooper

    It can be difficult to grow up in a toxic environment where you feel that you're growing up with very little known parental support & emotional infliction! It isn't easy when all you're looking for a little love & acceptance & support! It must have been really hard to go from day to day surviving the best way you could!

    It was good but hard to get out as soon as you were able to I can imagine it wasn't easy to know that your boyfriend had been with someone else!

    Going to Uni whilst living with your boyfriend can't have been easy especially when you say it became toxic & you failed a year!!

    Please don't apologise for having a tough time in environments where you though you were supposed to feel safe!! You are not to blame for something others have done to you!

    As for Uni don't give up on that as you may be able to pick that up again or do it in another way like distance learning, I currently study all my courses online & distance!! You are not a failure, but life has failed you!! Well done for posting, it can't have been easy!!

    Like Chloe said it would be a good idea to talk to your Gp & a professional to help you feel you are supported & have someone to reach out to, someone you can tell how you feel! Maybe put Uni on hold for a bit! Will you employer hold your job open for a bit? Your Gp may but not necessarily give you some medication get through this difficult time you are feeling & experiencing now! It would be good if you could get an appointment with your Dr & you can ask him for some talking therapy which will happen with a professional in a safe & confidential environment! And may help you to help to lift that heavy weight you have been carrying on your shoulders all your life!

    You are not wasting anyone's time, on the site, it's good you managed to post! Feel free to post as and when you need to do & we we do as much as we are able to, to support you!

    As Chloe said please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!

    Sending you Hugs & Warm Wishes! Take Care spykey 🤗

  • Thank you for your kind words spykey ☺️

    I feel like I do need to step back from education for a little while so that I can sort myself out.

    My manager has been very supportive which has eased my stress in relation to keeping my job. He has suggested that I see a doctor and take the time off that I need.

    My older sister was diagnosed as being clinically depressed and was prescribed medication for it, but I would rather stay away from having to take medication. I have decided to seek help from a counsellor first and then look to seek help from my GP.

    Honestly, I couldn't thank the kind words that you guys have written. I appreciate it so much & I will keep you up to date.

    Thank you again 💛

  • Hi it sounds like it is your past which is holding you back and the obvious way to deal with this is by counselling so I am pleased you are organising this. Don't forget though that this isn't a quick fix as it took years for the damage to occur so it can take quite a while for you to start to feel a bit better.

    That's where meds come in. They will help you to start feeling better a lot more quickly and more able to tackle your issues. The ones they use nowadays are quite safe and are nothing like the ones used years ago. But it is your choice of course.

    Well done for reaching out for counselling and to us. We are all here for you.

  • Hi Lilaclil,

    Thank you 😊

    I went to my doctors appointment today and I was there for over an hour and a half.

    Luckily, I got the main doctor of the surgery who is honestly the nicest person. My doctor diagnosed me with suffering from depression alongside providing me a sick line and antidepressants. Because I got quite worked up with everything, she listened to me long enough so that her colleague next door (she's kind of like a mental support worker) could see me.

    I spent over an hour and a half with the lady next door and she told me that I am showing various classic signs of severe depression. I am meeting with her next week to discuss my therapy options, but it looks like CBT will most likely be considered.

    Thank you to everyone here. I feel like your validation made me more comfortable in seeking help. Now I just need to work towards getting better 😊

    Thank you again guys 💛

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