I've never done a post like this where I have publicly spoken about how I feel. I've always tried to see the blessings in my life and I always think that someone else has it worse. I feel like I'm being whiny and that I should pick myself up and keep it moving.
I feel like it goes back to when I was a child. I felt like my dad bullied me, on top of being bullied at school as well. My dad was abused himself by his parent and although he didn't really resort to smacking me, it was more of a mental and emotional infliction upon me. I grew up feeling worthless and unwanted a lot of the time because of him. My mum says that she fought behind closed doors about how he treated me but growing up, it felt like she didn't care. It made me feel like I was too sensitive.
When I was nearly 20, I left home to move in with my then-boyfriend who was five years older than myself. At the time, I had been with him for around 2 and a half years & I felt like he was my way out, my 'knight in shining armour' you could say. But a month prior to me moving in with him, he confessed to sleeping with a co-worker. I decided to still move in with him as things were getting too bad at home and I had a uni place where we would be living; plus I didn't want to admit to anyone what had happened.
I stayed with my then-boyfriend for just over another three years. In that time, the relationship grew more and more toxic and destructive, much of which I kept to myself. It brought to a point where I failed a year at uni & I couldn't handle working so I quit my job. I then didn't leave my flat for nearly three months. In that time, the only people that I spoke to was my family over FaceTime or the phone who were over 400 miles away.
I eventually got the courage and split up and moved away from him to a new city. Fast forward two years later to the present day, I am with someone else who I couldn't love anymore if I tried and it I reciprocated; but I dropped out of uni at the very last hurdle because I couldn't do it anymore. It's as if for the last year in particular, my brain is cloudy. I can't concentrate on what I need to, & even though my future was and is at stake, I just didn't care anymore.
Now I feel hopeless for my future. I've went from going out to see my friends, to cancelling a few meet ups on the day to just making excuses as to not going out. I also hate my job, but I put up with it because it wasn't ever going to be a forever thing; but now that I'VE screwed up my future, it deeply saddens me that it seems like it might be.
I was due back at work last week, but when my manger came to speak to me to catch up (I was off for nearly three weeks holiday-dissertation) I just burst out into tears at my failures. He sent me home and I was meant to go back last Saturday, but I start panicking about leavinv my front door.
I really don't know what's wrong with me. I'm getting frustrated that I can't just pick myself up and look forward and keep it moving like I seem to be usually be able to do.
I don't want to waste anyone's time & I'm sorry that this is such a long post, but I'm just so lost. I don't know what to do anymore.