Is anybody out there?

[SteviePie]

I am very new to this, so i guess i do not really know what to say. in fact i have a thousand things to say, its just finding the right words for them. I am depressed, like constantly. Almost everyday i fight suicidal thoughts. The funny thing is, when i take stock of things, my life is not actually that bad. its just ... i don't want it. I wake up most mornings and it pisses me off that i made it through the night. Then other days i feel like i am king of the world. I can not control my emotions or my brain.

i guess i am hoping this is the point when someone pipes up and says, "actually Stevie, you are not alone"

[Robbie138]

Actually Stevie you are not alone, seriously though are you on any medication ? I wake up every morning and think oh no another day to get through, but as you say when things are ok life isn't that bad. I struggle really badly with depression, so I understand what your saying. If only we can switch off it would be so much easier but unfortunately our brains don't. You will never be alone here as someone should be around 24/7 to talk if need be. Sorry not much help, take care.

[SteviePie in reply to Robbie138]

I take comfort in knowing I am not alone. I genuinely mean that. Thank you

[Satsuma]

SteviePie yes I am out here and suffer like you also along with many others here in the community. There are many people who read the threads but don't answer and that is fine .. They are learning too and gaining insight too which is good. Blast this illness, it takes so much from us. Exhumes us almost is that is the right word. All we can do is get thru each day at a time.

[Nesie237]

Hi SteviePie, as you can see, you are definitely not alone. Many of us, including me, suffer from depression. It's a bitch. I also fight suicidal thoughts and have made multiple attempts. I don't recommend it. That sounds so stupid, I know. My last attempt almost worked. I did what I intended, blacked out at some point, and woke up in ICU on a ventilator- 4 days later. Not only was I quite obviously not dead, I'd had a near fatal stroke. I was so pissed, not dead, darn it all, but I was also unable to move my left side. It turned out I had some medical conditions I knew nothing about. So, my memory was so badly damaged, I was permanently disabled and had to retire at age 51. From nursing, after 25 years. You know what drove me to try it that time? My ex-husband had committed suicide 6 months previously and I was totally devastated. I didn't want to live. It ended up worse than it had been. I caused my family a great deal of pain.

I still think of it, but, at someone's suggestion, I got a puppy back then. Sparky is still with me. I promised him I would take care of him as long as he lived. He's 9 now, full of zip, and can always make me laugh. It's not the absolute answer, but it was a good start.

I also have a psychiatrist and am on 3 Meds for this devil.

Anyway, that was my true confession. I can walk and talk and take care of myself now. My memory will always be crap, my brain damaged.

Talk to your doctor about an anti-depressant. They help. And don't kill yourself! Get a pet.

You are not alone, ever. We are always here and can relate to the crappy way you feel. I had to laugh when you said you were pissed off every morning when you wake up. I used to feel like that, but everyday my darn dog needs to go for a walk, has to be fed, follows me around my apartment until I sit down. Then he jumps up in my lap and turns those big brown eyes up to me. How can I not smile? Take care, Nessie 237

[LoriMS61 in reply to Nesie237]

Xxx

[LoriMS61]

I agree with Nessie, the protective factor of a dog can be a life saver. It was for me a couple of times.

I'd be in the kitchen, holding the knife, and my dog could come and stare at me. I couldn't kill myself in front of my dog. I'd break down and he would come in for a cuddle. He saved my life on an almost daily basis.

Xxx

[Catrose21]

Hi Stevie, I also just joined this group because I have been so worried about my boyfriend who is going through nearly exactly what you are going through, and everyone on here is seriously so nice and so helpful, just knowing others were there made me feel better and we will all be here for you too. I had to take my boyfriends car away because whenever he was feeling bad he would threaten to take the car and kill himself and after every time he tries he comes to me and says baby I'm just so scared and I just need it to all go away, but we are working on it and it is getting better. He just started new medication and it seems to be helping so far. You can get through this and I promise that suicide isn't the answer, as someone who cares very deeply for someone who wants to end his life I can tell you how much it would devastate me. There are people who care for you so if you can't do it for yourself right now do it for them. Good luck and sorry for the rambling we are always here for you!

Hugs

[mysmugcat]

No you are not alone. I hate the mornings. I hate today this morning (UK). I wish I was better at controlling my emotions and brain. Small steps I guess.