New to this community

Hello all! I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I've led a successful life and have been blessed w/ great family and friends. I've been a teacher since I was in college. I had a real bad spell in my late 20s which led me to the path of therapy and medication. I would "threaten" suicide but was too afraid to actually do it. I know, oxymoron here! I am a self hater and beater. (I'll slap myself or hit head against the wall, no cutting or anything. After the meds, I no longer felt as hopeless, but still have very low times. It's mostly when I make mistakes or feel like my character is being verbally attacked. I have let myself slip and blow my top at work three times in the last few months! I never can seem to forgive myself and am destroying my professional name. Today I really blew it and my students saw me. My boss came to see me and highly encouraged me to get help. I'm horribly embarrassed and ashamed of myself. When I fall like this I hate myself so much more. I am a very open person and do this so that people know who I am so that they can judge me up front and therefore, I justify what's being said behind my back. Isn't this terrible? I LOVE teaching and LOVE my students and my boss encouraged me that I'm very good at my job, BUT he said that I must get this "taken care of" so I don't lose what I've worked so hard at in my career. Do any of you know of a decent-paying career that I might be able to do? I'm not quitting, I'm just very scared right now! Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!


Megan O

3 Replies

  • Hello Megan, it's lovely to meet you and I'd like you to know that I really understand everything you have written. I'm also a teacher and about six weeks ago my Mum died. I decided that I was absolutely fine and that I didn't need to take time off work, so in I went. Now teaching is a job hard enough to do without mental health difficulties; throw some of them into the equation and things really heat up! I managed about ten days before my boss dragged me into her office and told me that if I didn't take some time off, she would medically suspend me. I then went through a period of begging her to change her mind, hating her, trying to convince her I was fine and a whole lot more before eventually just giving up and taking a month off. I hated every minute of being off, and I hated my boss more, but I know now that it was what I needed and I know that she made me do it for my own good. Please try and accept that your boss values you and wants you to get better. Having depression is no different to having a physical illness and you can get through this and continue your career x

  • Hello Megan

    My condition is very much the same as yours although with me I suffered when young from parents that were hard and possibly uncaring. I was basically a loner and bullied through school and College, and in early adulthood my parents where very controlling. Basically I am sixty five and have disappeared from all my family members now and my life has changed dramatically, although since my late thirties I have suffered from a unusual chronic condition that makes me suffer from severe chronic pain. My mental health is poor due to chronic pain and I suffer from Reactive Depression.

    Before you pack in a job you seem to enjoy you need to ask yourself why you feel the way you do and to do this you really need to discuss all with your GP who will arrange for you to have some treatment, with medications that will help to give a pause and allow you to think what you want to do in your life.

    You do not need to do anything dramatic, many small changes may only need to be undertaken, so all I can say is your work is important to you and personally appointments with your GP would be the best way forward at this time.

    No-one on this site would turn around and suggest you change your work at this time as many people with mental illness can recover and sometimes suffer relapses, this is not set in stone. You have come to a very good site, the members are supportive and understanding.

    I do feel however there must be something in your life to make you the way you are, personally I feel the self hitting etc seems to be caused by self loathing and anger caused by you being frustrated at what you can become, hopefully this should not lead to anger that could be shown to other people, although you do need to see your GP as we can have a very sharp temper that many would feel it very raw and unreasonable.

    I hope this helps, you know where we are please do not be a stranger


  • Hi Megan, I sympathise greatly with what you are going through. Therapy might be a good plan which might give you a clearer understanding of where you are coming from. Just give yourself some time before you make any big decisions regarding job/career and try not to be so hard on yourself all the time when things get really emotional. All the best. HT1

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