Raging - aaaaarrrggghh!

After monday's incident with my little boy and feeling like the worst mum ever i had asked my fiance not to say to his mum and that i would tell her when i see her. I found out yesterday that he phoned and told her anyway. I was supposed to be going to my fitness classes tonight and he was gonna look after the kids but he has now said that hes gonna get someone to look after the kids as he has the pool tonight. Thats after him being out mon, tues and wed night too. It has been a tough past week for me with early rises cos of our unsettled 13 week old and my nearly 5 year old daughter who has been playing up big time. All i wanted was some time to myself tonight but i dont want the kids getting looked after unless it is necessity. We rely on his mum a lot and i dont want to abuse her help when we dont need to. My time of the month is due and he made out that i was going off my head because of pmt and he called me a schizo of all things knowing what i go through on a daily basis. He also made digs about me running to my dad all the time when i clearly dont. I told him i'll be going to my classes and he said well i'll be getting the bairn watched and you get someone to watch your bairn (my daughter isnt his). I just feel that this family man crap is only when it suits. My son just woke up at 6am and my fiance got up made him a bottle and then woke me up to give him it as he has work today? He sat and watched nearly a whole series of prison break yesterday while i had to take the kids for a food shop. Am i deluded or am i getting no help at all? Getting a bit cheesed off with him to say the least. He might as well be a part time dad for all the help he gives me. I am running on empty and really struggling at the mo. Sorry for rambling on x

28 Replies

  • Hi Lesley

    I'm not surprised you're raging, that's a lot going on for you & sounds like your partner isn't supportive at all in fact the opposite

    It is such a hard time trying

    to adjust to a new baby and as you say now your daughter is acting up as well .. it's all new for her too

    I had no support from my husband (now ex) it was all about him & his time & his social life .. I used to have to ask if I could go out for a few hours just to the shops and he would say that he would 'babysit' his own kids !!

    Can you have counselling as a support to you before this really eats away at your self esteem & what about couple counselling .. would he be up for that?

    Sending you big hugs as I know how tough it is

    Love Lesley xx

  • Oh dear. He is like a lot of men (in my experience) who still expect to live a single life when he has children and responsibilities. He is being totally selfish going out so often and giving you no support. He wants family life when it suits him as long as you are doing all the work! Well you have 2 children already, you don't need a third...you need another adult in the relationship who will share the responsibilites with you, not putting more on your shoulders which is what he is doing. He needs a good shaking up and slapping!!

    My advice is to sit down and have a serious chat with him. Don't ask him, tell him what you need to make the relationship work as it is clearly not working for you. It is for him and he will slag you off in defence of what he wants. You are not schizo, you are tired and you need much more help from him. Tell him to grow up and be a man.

    If he won't change his ways then it doesn't bode well for your relationship and you might have to think about leaving. Do you have anywhere to go? Plan for the future of yourself and your children and don't worry about him. Let us know how you get on please xx

  • Hi Les

    I totally agree with Lesley and Cough, and it does worry me that he doesn't feel

    He should worry about your older child, who is not his. She will feel this and it

    Could create problems for her later on

    Les you are dealing with THREE children now. Sorry to be blunt but you really need

    To look at this relationship not just for you but for your two children.

    You are not Schizo Nd that. Is horrible for him to say that. I'm sorry Les but

    Unless you sort this out now , where will it end. He sounds very selfish,

    and you have such a young baby. His behaviour sounds very controlling

    To me. Please make appt. For Couples counselling, otherwise you will be

    Saying the same stuff this time next year.

    Lay it on line Counselling and it's a neutral Forum and you can take it fromThere.

    Cough is right all this does not bode well for the future of this relationship,

    And I am sorry if this is hard for you to hear.

    To be honest it's not the fitness classes I would see as the issue but your

    Lack of help and understanding from him. It's no wonder your upset

    And Depressed. Make that appt. For Relate or such like.


    Hannah x

  • We are already in couple counselling believe it or not. Usually he gets our counsellor on his side and they both get tore into me but i cant wait til next week to tell her all of this. He told me that i am controlling as i told him not to say to his mum about my wee boy's accident. He said i shouldnt be telling him what to do. I was actually trying to prevent further hassle cos if she'd phoned up yelling at me i'd have kicked off. I specifically told him that tonight was my night for free time ( the first time since the wee boy was born) but he wants to do what he likes and dole the bairns out to folk. I dont think so! He said if i decide to stay in tonight, i've not to blame him. Who else should i blame? My poor wee kids who need their dad/stepdad? Its a joke. Waiting on him coming in from work and i'm telling him straight that he needs to start helping. He then has a choice to make! X

  • Well ladies he went to the pool after all and i am in the house with the kids. I went to pick up my wee girl from her dance class there and he passed me in the car and completely blanked me as i was walking back home. I usually back down but no chance of that this time cos he is bang out of order. We'll see how he feels when his wee boy is here 2moro and he is left with our son. I'll be walking out and doing what i want for a change. He'll start his crap about him not having to look after my daughter so i'll drop her off at my bro's on the way to the gym. So angry today. Been going over what i want to say in my head all day. Hope hes feeling bad along at the pool and i hope he gets beat!! Ha ha x

  • Oh les hi this is Ava here I really feel for you reading your messages it sounds awful. He isn't supportive at all he isn't and actually sounds like my ex who cheated on me. We were together for 3 years I'm 40 planning a baby the lot. He was very controlling told me I had to give my job up he wasn't into changing nappies etc. anyway he then cheats on me with a 23 year old who has a 3 and a 5 year old. That's very painful for me. But he was like yours always wanted the party life at 43 . Your partner sounds awful and it's hard for you I really feel for you. Wish I could help he sounds like a bully. I'm still devastated what happened to me .... So hard lots of love Ava x

  • Hi Les,

    This one sounds like a right RAT. How could he do that??. it is obvious from your posts that he does not share the raising of children and that he does nothing for your daughter as she is not "his". He has been slagging you off to his mother and treating you with contempt calling you allsorts, = he certainly does not respect you. Does he speak to his mother like that?

    I'm sorry but GET RID = it will only get worse not better. He is a little boy who keeps running to his mother.

    I think this is a very bad situation for everyone especially the children, you have already mentioned about your little girl playing up - she is reacting to the situation. What is this no mark doing to your poor daughter by treating her differently? She will feel the tension and insecurity that exists, she sees the comparisons between her and her brother and although she may not understand, this affects her. (I also would be worried about his mother too!) all this could scar her for the rest of her life . What does your Dad say?

    If you were on your own with the children, you could do what you wanted too when you wanted too, because you would not have to try and please that idiot. You could have a lovely routine where your children are treated equally and in a happy home ('cause you will be more relaxed) He and his mother could see his son by mutual arrangement and not expose your little princess to negative forces. You will be in charge of your life and the raising of your lovely children and not exposing them to hostility (do you want your wee little man to grow up to treat women like he treats you?) Please for your own peace of mind and your children's future, think about going it alone. It will be scary and sometimes difficult but in the greater scheme of things the future will look and be rosy. I really do wish you the very best of luck and life is tough, that's why you have to be tougher. Don't be treated like a doormat or a convenience.,your worth a lot more than that. I hope you have a lovely future xxx Bodicea

  • Aw, thank you for the reply. I am up at ml feeding the wee man as my fiance doesnt want to get up during the night with him working. Yeah and looking after a house and 2 kids isnt work is it? I was honest with him last night and he told me that i have annialated him as a dad and that i have beat him. Well if thats what he gets from me just being honest so be it. He makes out that the kids are his life and that his main priority is to be a dad but he sure doesnt act like it. I know he adores our son but i am pleading for him to lessen the load on me and he takes that to mean that i want away from the kids. Theres a big difference between wanting away from the kids and just needing a well earned break. He told me the reason that he mentioned the accident to his mum was because he saw on facebook that i had private mailed my sister to tell her. Pathetic! I told her cos i thought my dad already had. Also, the reason i didnt want his mum knowing was her reaction as i wouldnt have taken to kindly to her slating me as a mum. Thats why i wanted to tell her myself and explain. Apart from struggling a bit with my daughter me and the kids are doing great. Its hard work, granted but all so worth it. My fiance said that he didnt stop me from going to my classes last night as he had already arranged for his mum to look after the kids but thats not the point. He was meant to be doing it but his pool came first. Rage! I am currently on the couch for the second night cos i cant sleep next to him once hes annoyed me. He says i've to put him out his misery and get rid of him cos its what i want. No, i just want some support! Its not too much to ask for x

  • Sounds to me that you are portraying a little bit of selfishness here! If you are saying "he may well be a part-time dad" you are giving that image to him. Relationships are more than just about you and your children. He needs to feel wanted as well, you have rejected him, ignored his feelings and wishes, so he is rejecting you. Make time for just the pair of you. OK his mum helps out and you don't want to abuse it. I get that, but now is an ideal time to take advantage of it. You arrange some time as a couple, you show him you need him. Otherwise man will go in to his cave, to solve the problem, yes men are from mars etc. Being mum is easy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and alienating him. arrange that time for you as a couple, tell his mum you need time to sort things out, then explain your feelings, nicely, not screaming and demanding. Take control and responsibility for the situation. Men have feelings as well. Sorry i may sound harsh, but its the truth. All the very best, because if you don't sort it, you will be a single mum again!!!! and destroy your children's lives

  • Adrian I don't agree with what your saying. Lesley is not being selfish,

    And also being a happy single mother would be much better than

    Being an unhappy. Partnered up mother. I don't think you really get it.

    Maybe you think he is right, well I think a man should support

    His partner as she has a very young baby . I suppose in fairness to you

    , you don't know the background , and yes I do think you are being very harsh .


  • A typical man response Adrian. Being mum is easy is it? How would you know? We have time for ourselves coming up at the start of august so yeah i have thought about all of that. All i will say is it sure is a man's world. Free to do what you all like while the women do the rest. Men arent from mars. The majority are all from those 'caves' you refer to and a bunch of male chauvanist pigs. If you think being a mum is easy perhaps have a talk to the women you know and the ladies on here then come back and speak to me!

  • Hi Les

    Hope Adrian's point of view didn't p*ss you off too much. It was a little harsh & lot insensitive & while it was one male's perspective not necessarily a man's perspective. That's not to say mine is any better or more valid, but it is more balanced.

    He did make one or two good points, about you & your partner needing to spend some quality time together but that shouldn't be all on you to sort or pander to your partners wishes. It sounds to me like you are both struggling with things at the moment. With young children around it can be difficult to find time for ourselves let alone each other.

    The overriding thought I have from what you say about your partner is that he isn't happy with the home situation either. Going out a few nights in a row, watching Prison Break all day, just smacks of escapism to me. Of wanting to be away from the situation for a short time. Are you able to sit down and talk about arranging a night (or couple of hours) together to do something you used to do together when you were first dating? A meal in a restaurant, cinema, night of passion, going walking, rock climbing, whatever it was you always used to look forward to doing together.

    It's not easy be a mum or dad. It's not easy being a woman, a man, a child in the world sometimes. Sometimes it's down right sh*t from time to time. We all know this by the fact that we are on this forum. The fact of the matter is that life is bloody tough. And sometimes in this damn tough world we find someone to make things a little more bearable and to actually enjoy some times with. Now the world will try & spoil that & make us not enjoy each other or the times together. But don't give into that.

    Kinda feels like that got away from me a little & I ended up rambling a bit. Hope at least some of it makes sense.


  • James that's a great reply, I suppose men can feel a bit left out

    When a new baby arrives. Getting time together is very important.

    James your reply is balanced and helpful.


  • Well I was due to say something worthwhile eventually :)

  • Yes.lol

  • Thanks for the reply James. You make some very valid points. Life is hard. I just believe that people can work together to ease the load and that is not happening in our household at the moment. Thank you for all your comments. Much appreciated x

  • People "should" work together. But unfortunately sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our own crap that we live too much in our minds and neglect those around us (at least that's the case with me). I haven't quite found the solution to stopping this yet. If I ever do I'll let you know, if anyone else does please let me know :)

  • Well we got there in the end. My intention was to provoke a response to make you think outside the box. Hence i was harsh. You can be a happy mother in a happy relationship you just have to work at it. Jim added a bit more to my thoughts and we got the right conclusion. Being a parent is easy. It is to me. Set boundary's guidelines and ambitions. Respect and appreciate your partners contribution. BOTH OF YOU and work at it by communicating. Not screaming as its gone to far. Enjoy your kids together. Your partner went into his cave. He was rejected. Response...to reject back. Your friend seems to think being a single parent is great fun. Come and see the hundreds i have to deal with. You'll soon change your mind. Harsh i am. But it gets to the point quickly and resolves it quickly. Read the book... there are no problems on venus so they just talk about it in ever decreasing circles. Never finding a solution. All the very best

  • The trouble is Adrian that it takes two to tango. Les is an adult but her fiance isn't. What effort has he made to find a solution? None. Les has made loads. And do you condone him calling her names like that? Would you? There is far too much name calling women by men, think how many derogatory terms there are for women by men! I can think of loads and none of it is acceptable but is widely used. Not many derogatory terms for men is there?

    Men going into their cave is just an excuse, needing to cajoled out might be the province of his mother but, not his fiance. He is acting like a spoilt brat. It is never the womens fault if

    a man goes out a lot - it is his choice. Those ideas went out with the stone age.

    He needs to realise he has a problem not her and to stop slagging her off and running back to mummy!

  • But hang on Cough. With all due respect to Les (and not to suggest she is lying) but we have only had her side of a story. To say her partner has not tried is unfair and may not be fully accurate. You now seem to be using this to have a go at all men. Yes some are complete b*stards but not all. Some men do use name calling about women and I agree it is unacceptable but on the other hand it seems acceptable that women can call men b*stards because a few have mistreated them.

    Now what was your first reaction to that last bit? That I was out of order tarring most women with the same brush? That's my point, that's what you were doing.

    Adrian was a little unfair to suggest Les should do all the running in her relationship. What he meant was that they both need to work at - which he stated in his second comment. I also think that when he said cave you could substitute the work "head" or mind". Lots of men do retreat to there mind & keep things to themselves, which is what Les's partner sounds like he may have done. It's not about whether he was right to do so or not. Clearly it's not ideal so between them they need to find a more healthy way to handle things otherwise the relation & household will/could suffer

  • Yes James we only have Les's side of story. But I don't see her

    Fiancé on here looking for support. Les is the one with a 3 month

    Old baby and she is being treated like this.

    I don't need to hear any other side of the story, we are supposed to

    Be here to support her, not make her feel she is to blame because her

    Partner is selfish and immature. I don't want to hurt Les, but I

    Think Cough is spot on.

    I like men and I am not against them at all, but I am sad to

    Think that she could be made to feel she should cajole him

    Out of his cave!!!.


  • Hi Hannah

    Yes we are here to support, and in no way is she completely to blame for the relationship problems, but part of being supportive is not simply pandering to what someone says & agreeing. Please don't think I'm saying you or anyone has done that. Look what I'm trying to say is that in my experience of relationships is that when it is struggling then both parties are failing. Looking back at failed relationships I can easily say I know where I went wrong & what I should have worked on & what my ex partner should have. Even when an ex cheated on me I can see where I went wrong which helped contribute to her deciding to go down that road. Now her decision to sleep with another man was not my fault, that was completely on her. But in a happy relationship she wouldn't have done that. So I can see where she went wrong & where I went wrong which eventually led to that outcome. So I'm saying we as a couple were going wrong and we as a couple should have corrected it.

    Les shouldn't 'cajole' him out of his cave but help him. Reading between the lines here maybe he is depressed but hasn't found his way to the forum. What would we say to him if he indeed did find his way here & asked for help? Shouldn't we offer balanced advice to people to help both parties & not just automatically side with them because they got here first? I'm not saying Les is in the wrong or lying I'm simply saying there are reasons why people act in certain ways & it's never black & white or clear cut. Yes her partner is unfair in going out so much or watching tv all day or not helping round the house enough but maybe instead of saying he is out of order it would be more useful & practical to simply ask "why?" and to try to advise around that? To me that would be far more beneficial now & in the future.

    I too have been guilty of not helping around the house or watching tv all day. I have spent too much time in my cave on countless times. It's part of what contributed to the ex to cheat. Yes I was wrong to do it but simply saying I was wrong doesn't help me to stop doing it or help my current partner.

  • Side note for this morning - my posts are not intended to cause arguments or bad feelings or upset anyone. I feel a good discussion is a good thing, perhaps even if it can come across as a bit argumentative so long as no one gets upset. I welcome anyone to tell me I'm wrong on anything, if they have valid comments & reasoning behind it I will more than happily listen & be open to changing or adapting my thoughts on any matter - I'm not too pig headed or too stubborn to admit when I'm wrong.

  • Hi Jimdon, Yes I do agree with the points you made and

    Relationships are never easy, especially with a fairly new baby. And I do agree with you that couples

    Can fall into " he did that" " look what she did".

    Arguments and difference are healthy enough if the problem gets solved, and both people compromise.

    It's not easy and I have learned a lit from the relationships I was in. You learn a lot about yourself

    As well.

    Jim don you sound like a caring man, and lots of

    Men are like that, and others maybe act wrongly,

    Because they are never taught to think of others.

    It is good to have open discussion and we can

    All learn so much from one another.

    I am friends for years with a young couple, two children 13 and 10. The husband who I have know for years told

    Me he realised he had been unfair and maybe not

    So nice lately to his wife, he was blaming her rather than looking at him self. I said to him that at least

    Now you realise it and can admit it, which is good, I asked him to say sorry to his wife. I was very surprised

    When he said he found it so hard to say Sorry, and didn't think he could say sorry. I hope he does and

    At least he might begin to think why he cannot say he is sorry. Even though he is. I will have to get Sue to sort him out. Lol.

    I hope Les and fiancé sort it out and get help

    Too from Relate as it's easy to lose sight of

    Why you loved this partner in the first place.

    Hannah x

  • I think these are very valid points Jimdon. Not to be disrepectful to Lesley in any way I feel that often when couples have a young family it can be a case of adjusting to new roles and both parties may feel aggrieved and find it hard to communicate their true feelings or feel tenderness for each other as sometimes inadvertiently they can get locked into a battle maybe because of tiredness, sometimes hidden feelings of rejection or being pushed out or inadequacy on the man's part and their different gendered communication and emotional styles. It is possible that if Lesley is a bit "fiery" she may fly off

    the handle and come across as aggressive which is going to make the man withdraw and so on; Lesley I am not saying I don't understand your position as I do but seeing it as a conflict situation rather than a co-operative situation you both need to solve calmly could be adding to the issues.

    I do feel that more women than men seek support in this way by coming onto a forum like this; I would be interested to know the percentages but I would hazard a guess it would be at least 80% women as women tend to like to share problems and men normally first try to deal with them on their own and may deal with them by first trying to process everything internally. I think you need to consider the possibility that he feels inadequate at parenting because women can sometimes make men feel that way and that they know best. He may not know how to communicate this so he runs away. Maybe it is a case of encouraging him and giving him confidence to be included and not the useless party with the kids and that his contribution is valued. That would then reduce your tiredness and feeling of resentment as well. I am not saying this IS what is happening by the way; just that it is a possibility to consider.

    I really feel it is important for me to see male members views ( LOL JImdon; I'm going to keep that in as it just made me giggle writing that though it was inadvertent at the time :p ) Guys you know what I mean though seriously. I want to hear how your minds operate as I was always turned against men by my mum and told they were no good etc. However this does not fit well with the fact that we are all created in god's image and men make up nearly half of the population. For me to remain prejudiced or not understanding for me would be as bad as me being racist or homophobic or anything else. That is personal to me and I am being upfront about it. I would not feel happy feeling that this site is all about a woman's point of view on everything.

    Lesley I do hope you are both managing to work on your issues. If a break is necessary then you will know and that will be very sad in the light of your children but sometimes things can be worked through when both parties feel less defensive about the rightness of their position and are open to solve the problems they face together.

    Hugs to you. gemmalouise X

  • Hi Gemma that's an interesting Post. And as you say, how one reacts will

    Affect the other. I grew up with a good marriage of my parents to show

    Me what I should aspire to. So I do like Men, and always find they are great

    Just different, once we decode them. Women fare just more emotional and

    Are more the nurturers. Now it's hard to get it right in relationships sometimes, with all the stress of modern life.

    It's great to have Men on this site so Jimdon , I do take on board all

    Your points.

    Hannah x

  • I am not having a go at all men, I did say that. Some of my best friends are men and I enjoy their company because they do think differently to us women which is very refreshing. What I did object to was les being told to make all the effort in the relationship, I did say they need to have a long serious discussion about their feelings and needs to make the relationship work better. Yes women do call men barstewards but that is nothing compared to the many names men have for women who don't agree with them or do as they want. I'm not having a 'go at men' just stating a fact. I find that any woman who points out inequalities or double standards is labelled a 'man hater' which is a typical male

    reaction to what they don't want to hear.

    I hope les and her fiance can work it out together. I really do. Good with that les. x

  • Sorry I'm so late replying. I can't believe that it's taken me until 23.55 to make the sandwiches, iron the kids' clothes, pack their bags, help them with their homework, polish their shoes, sort out childcare arrangements for the week and prepare tomorrow's dinner to have when I get home from ten hours in work. Being a Mum is easy, after all, why has it taken me so long?

    I shivered when I read your post as it reminded me so much of my life nine years ago when Katie was born. Her dad and I both had five year olds from previous relationships, and we constantly argued about them. He would refuse to look after my son, as a way if making sure I couldn't go out, yet he'd be out most nights of the week.

    I had post natal depression, but rather than make some attempt to support me and the and understand how I was feeling, he would accuse me of of being crazy and question whether I was safe looking after the children. He told my family and friends that I was unstable.

    The problem was, the more badly he treated me, the more depressed I got, and I lost the capacity to think straight and make rational decisions. In the end I started to believe that maybe what he was saying was actually true, and my self esteem plummeted. I hated myself and when he left I thought it was exactly what I deserved.

    I think your fella needs to pull his head out of his arse and start appreciating that the sacrifice a woman makes to bring a child into the world drains every ounce of everything she has. And if he isn't prepared to meet you half way, get rid of him.