I want to leave and I have a way out, but im scared

Ive been with my boyfriend for about 2 years, and I do love him, but I just cant do it anymore. Hes done a complete 180 in the past few months and nothing changes. I found out after a year that he had a cocaine addiction. I told him if he continued with it, I was leaving. This was after I moved 1,000 miles away from my family to be with him. Well, we moved again and I thought it would get better since he usually always works. I was wrong. It started when he had the flu for a week, then for just about the at entire month he just didnt go to work because he was "too sick" but he was perfectly fine to go out and "drink". From there it all snowballed. We are constantly in debt and he tells me its because he's paying the bills. Yet out cable was just shut off today. O.o he's constantly deleting text messages and when I questioned him about it he said it was done of my business. I ended up giving him an ultimatum, either tell me what he's doing and ill forgive, or lie and I leave. Well he lied so I started packing my things. He flew into a crazy rage and told me how awful I was to ruin my "engagement" surprise and that he had been designing one for me. Well this was 2 months ago and I have yet to see this ring. And in the past week he spent over $10,000. On what I have no clue. He says bills, yet he still owes on everything. He even yelled at me for paying back my dad and writing out another check that needed to be paid. This was out of my paycheck. Well the rest of my money is gone and we are now $2,000 in the hole. The other thing that gets me is even though we are so much in debt, he still goes out "drinking". Im not stupid and can almost guarantee that he found a dealer here and he's doing thay crap again. I found a text in his phone from a number with no assigned name to it from a night he supposedly went to the bar. Well it had nothing to do with drinking and apparently he was at someone's house. Now he is on the verge of losing his job. I have a way out but im terrified to take it. One of my friends has a cabin and he said tha I can just stay there, hhe'll pay the bills so I can save my money to move back to where my family is. I know I cant live like this anymore, but why is it so hard for me to leave?

7 Replies

  • You know what you need to do. Your boyfriend is an addict and expects you to pick up the pieces. If you want to be a doormat for the rest of your life then stay but if you want a better life for yourself then leave. You do him no favours by staying for as long as he has you he has no need to change in order to get what he wants from life. I am sorry if that all sounds hard, but it is reality. Move back near your family who you will need for support, then see a counsellor to find out why you pick someone who is an addict.


  • Of course it's hard for you to leave. If it was easy to walk away, you'd have done it ages ago. It's so sad that your relationship has come to this, but unfortunately the only person who can improve this situation is him. When people get involved with drugs, it becomes impossible to get out of the vicious cycle. Although you probably hate him for blowing your paycheck on his lifestyle, his need for drugs at the moment is bigger than his need to pay the cable bill. Is he getting any support for his addiction? There probably wasn't any point in telling him you'd leave unless he quit; he probably wasn't able to at that point. You say you love him? Could you still be in a relationship but not live together? That way, you would have breathing space and at the same time encourage him to get help? I feel for you in such a difficult situation, but it's both of you who need support x

  • Unfortunately long distance isnt an option. His issue has blown completely out of control. When I cant trust someone, I cant be with them. And he has completely lost all of my trust. Im not the type that snoop through my boyfriends phone. I hate that crap, but the fact that I did it shows I cant do it anymore. I just love him so its going to be difficult, but when he blows $13,000 in a week and we are already in debt again just a few days later. I dont want to be one of those stories.

  • Oh, and he refuses to admit that he's even doing it, so he refuses any sort of help.

  • What a terrible story qnd you have my sympathy. I am guessing it is hard for you to leave him because the devil you know is better than the one you don't and it is very scary to be on your own again. I do understand that but you need to leave him and give up on this toxic relationship before you can move forward again. This man is dragging you into the gutter with him - if you want to go there with him fine, if not leave now. I agree that the best bet would be for you to move back nearer to your family for some sense of security.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on x

  • Hi there . Yes you will have to leave , there is noting you can do for him.

    By leaving him you may force him to accept his addiction and get help

    For it. Reading your post it does look as if he is a long way from the rockbottom

    Stage of getting help.

    You need to look after yourself and see why you stay in a relationship with

    An addict. This may all sound harsh but there in nothing to be gained except

    Pain, in this relationship. Why do you believe Anything he says .? , he will do

    and say nothing to get. Fix.

    It's up to you to,leave, tough love, otherwise your future is pretty leak. You can

    Do it, lots of people do and find the strength. Get all the help you need And


    Hannah x

  • Hiya,

    You can't save him. He has to admit he has a problem and want help. He won't suddenly realise how much he loves you and stop using the drugs and lying to you. No fairytale about how true love or a good woman saved him until he recognises his problem etc. sorry to be harsh but that is the reality. Please leave him and if you can keep in touch to offer support remotely if/when he needs it. Can you let his family know the situation so that they can also try and support him? Focus on sorting out your own future right now.

    Good luck