21 and depressed, What should i do? Been a long term relationship since school. 4 1/2 years.

[strikelucky8]

Recently i have told my girlfriend i want to move out and enjoy life while i'm young, this has back fired as i found out last night she has been texting another Man, i still wanted to be in a relationship with her but just live separate, i begged and pleaded with her not to end the relationship, she got really horrible with me and started telling me how much they have in common, i felt sick and have a horrible feeling in my heart. I have been depressed a while and not spoke to her about it, it must have been months not sleeping well and doing 11 hour shifts at work. I told her all this and she didn't care, i haven't spoke to anyone or requested any help, i just can't sleep I've had 3 hours broken sleep. Nearly 5 years is a long time to be with someone and have that ripped away from you. I've been a horrible boyfriend and can see why she started texting other men, i just want another chance to prove how much i love her, all she keeps saying is she doesn't want to hurt me if she gives me another chance I've tried everything from, explaining how much i love/need/want her, reminiscing over the first night with me. Nothing works! drank loads of alcohol just doesn't make anything better. I know i should give up but my brain needs her. Addiction #1. Why would she tell me how much they have in common >?????????????????????????????????

[Gambit62]

First - if you have a long term problem with sleeping then you really do need to talk to your GP - was reading an article this morning on some new research that has just been published that implies that one of the things that happens when you are sleeping is that the brain actually gets rid of unwanted chemicals that are building up and causing it to not function so well.

If you think you are suffering from depression then you also need to go and see your GP - there could be something quite simple going on - thyroid, anaemia etc that can be identified with a blood test and resolved. I have an inability to absorb B12 which was picked up very early on (think it started some time last year) but usually isn't picked up for several years by which time there are lots of other complications. Even if it isn't something like that then depression is usually easier to treat if it is caught early. Waiting doesn't help. There are lots of treatments that don't involve drugs that can be quite effective. Some people find that exercise helps - some meditation ... and I find both of those helpful.

Are your shifts irregular and do they involve nights and hence contribute to the disruption of your sleep patterns? You could try something like a body clock which provides a more natural way of falling asleep (mimics a sunset) and then waking up (mimics a sunrise) - have used one for many years and really find it much better as a way of waking up than an alarm beeping at me. I also find it very helpful to have the sunset feature and can still find that really useful where I am having problems with waking up in the night - much easier to get back to sleep.

Personal plea - if you are depressed then please don't use alcohol - it is actually a depressant so it can make things work - it has a numbing effect and works in social contexts because it lowers your inhibitions so if you are shy it makes it easier to interact with people but the reality is that it is a powerful drug and one that needs to be used very carefully.

5 years is a long time to be with someone - and breaking up or separating even if you still want to maintain a relationship is really very hard. People are going to get sick of me saying this but ... there are 4 phases to change: Denial (either blanking the fact that change has happened or completely denying it can be happening or somewhere on the scale), Anger (could be with your self, or others involved who are seen as being responsible for the change), Acceptance (which can actually be the point where you have least energy) and finally Enthusiasm (where you really are able to move on to something different. However things pan out with your girlfriend it is obvious that things have changed and you are both probably hovering between Denial and Anger. Its a really uncomfortable place to be and really difficult and it will last for different lengths of time for different people. And the more you fight it the longer it is going to last. I'm not telling you to accept things because acceptance will come when you are ready - just that you are actually going through a really difficult process - you need to give yourself time and you need to give her time.

My own personal experience: When my own marriage was falling apart and the physical side of things had stopped on his side I did actually think about having an affair - didn't do anything about it but I remember talking about it to friends ... and yet at that point I really wasn't thinking in terms of the relationship as being over - so that was me in denial at that point.

It sounds as if you have both realised that things aren't quite working but are having problems with knowing where things are going to be in the future. It also sounds as if you both want to stay friends and have some sort of relationship with each other and that is good - but I suspect that if you fight then that will end up with the result that neither of you really wants - that you just lose contact with each other entirely. If you love someone then you have to give them their freedom. At some point in the future you may both have reached a point where you feel you want to live together again, but it really does sound as if you both need some freedom. For you it was moving out - for her it was finding someone else.

One final thing: try to maintain some contact. There is a jewish definition of an enemy as someone that you haven't spoken to for 3 days or more out of a sense of ill will and I actually think that is very useful as it can be so tempting when you are hurting just to excise someone from your life physically but still be carrying them round as part of your museum of internal pains that you can't let go of.

Sorry to have gone on so much but hope that you manage to find a way through ... and please do go and see your GP about the sleep and depression

[Hidden]

Hi, It sounds as though this relationship has carried you through the difficult teen years but you now realise you want to have more experience of living life in order to be able to choose - however it's also difficult and scary to be without a relationship when it has been important in your life for such a long time. I would suggest you see someone to talk with, a counsellor or therapist, in order to help you to adjust to adult life, find out what you want from it and then consider whether the relationship will meet you and your girlfriend's needs as adults. Suexx

[coatpin]

She wanted to hurt you the same way you hurt her. If this cant be mended, you need to get some help, if you love someone, you wouldnt be playing games and hurt her. When you wanted to branch away, and have some fun, you werent thinking about her. You dont realise what someone means to you until you lost them.

Someone will take as much as they can, then they switch off. (abuse)

Maybe you need meds again, and to see someone like a counsellor so you can do some work within yourself,,, personal growth. To start with being alone is very scarey, but then thats when the growth starts. Maybe this is whats needed, I dont know, but you need to talk over with someone professional why you choose this decision, what did you want to acheive.,,, ???