I'm not a soap fan...

[PaulS83]

I'm referring to television, but I suppose the statement holds up for hygiene habits as well. I find it helps keep the Covid deniers healthily distanced. That and a good ol' smokers' cough.

But what I mean by this is that there are these characters who just will not stay gone. They either get themselves in or under some black cab, spew an ill-elocuted soliloquy and head off into the setting sun, only to ruck back up a year later with clumsy motives and a hashed back story.

I don't like this as it bears no reflection on reality whatsoever...

...oh, wait.

So, I'm back here for third time luckyism. I first arrived here in those grainy, black and white days of 2018, prattling on about:

"By the age of 35, after years of debauchery and idleness I’ve finally got to a stage where if I appeared in a line-up of slugs with spindly limbs loosley tacked on them, I probably wouldn’t be immediately ousted. I feel like I’ve been sewn together from the contents of a hospital dustbin and a recent blood test has turned up high cholesterol, high “bad cholesterol” and an enzyme in my liver working 3 times harder than it should."

I fell short at W6R3, and then came crawling back in pre-Covid 2020 (a simpler time) saying:

"A year ago, pretty much to the day, I came on here whining about how I'd managed to morph my physique into a giant, pink, vaguely human shaped blancmange. I sat here and looked you all in the eye (screen) and told you I was going to change, everything was going to be different.

"Funny, huh?

"Here we are, another year gone. Another whizz around that fiery orb and the earth is back in the same spot and I'm still mushrooming out of the top of my trousers, needing a coffee break between shoe laces. I still feel like I've been badly sewn together from the contents of a hospital dustbin. I'm still annoying my wife...mind you, I never resolved to stop doing that, not even two-and-a-half bottles of red into New Years' Eve. There is a limit y'know. I'm still whimsically dreaming of being fit and active. Still dreaming of being human shaped. Still pledging to quit smoking."

And fell by the wayside at W6R1. Now I'm back, larger than ever (literally) ready to say that THIS TIME I will:

1) Get better at writing lists

2)

3)

Come on, that was pretty funny, right?

No...THIS TIME I will:

- Stop smoking

- Not start smoking again

- See this whole damned mucky affair right through to the bitter end

- Try to run slower

Every time I come back here I need to reintroduce myself, as whilst I've been off gap-yearing, all of my previous C25Kers have been tossing their mortar boards up in the air and are probably off marathoning up vertical inclines without even a hint of webbed spittle dangling from their chins. They've probably all got six-packs and arses that could uncork test tubes, and I'm back here with a paunch that could comfortably see a large mammal through the harshest of winters' hibernation, and a back crevice that could conceal a large bottle of champagne.

I think my fat layers have probably stratified. You could cut me open and date me back through the epochs.

What you need to know about me is that I'm frustratingly stupid, and take pleasure in writing excessively long, drivel-filled posts. I am the embodiment of a teenager behind the wheel of an old, clapped-out Courteener: black smoke pluming from every orifice, but still revving it up into the reds and wheel-spinning off the lights. Oh, and cruising past the ladies with unwavering confidence that they go nuts for a stumbling, wheezing, oblate spheroid, especially when it's got its own moon.

That's my current physique by the way. I was previously moaning about having a paunch on the front. Thinking back, I laugh at how naïve I was; I didn't know how good I had it. I've somehow acquired one on the back as well. Still the same jeans size though, there's just more erupting out the top. Looking at myself in the mirror, I have to start feeling around to check if I've got a belt on.

Anyway, so there it is. W1R1_3 on Monday. I have to do one of these posts to lock it in, it kind of makes it a commitment to the universe. These HealthUnlocked bastards can get pretty nasty when you start reneging on promises.

Happy running, new faces. Always remember, you can do it! Unless you're me, then in which case, you probably can't.

[Tartancat Graduate]

You're back!!

And you're not the only one to have fallen by the wayside / off the wagon / at the first hurdle. I too am starting again, and dragging the dog with me (the plan was that he would drag me, in theory making it less of an effort, but it's not working out quite like that).

I've reached the dizzy heights of week 4, so wish me luck as I head out this afternoon, and I shall be thinking of you, going too fast no doubt, and I wish you the best of British!

[PaulS83 in reply to Tartancat]

Haha, I noticed some old names still flying around. In an incredibly selfish vein of thought, I’m happy to see the old crowd still stumbling / hobbling along together! Us bunch of Raggydolls.

Good luck on Week 4 to you and pooch. Maybe you can drag me around it too?

[John_W Graduate]

Welcome back. Again.

Seems like pace has been your downfall previously. I guess with the added flab, you'll either (a) struggle even more than the previous occasions if you try and run (jog!) as fast or (2) be forced to slow given your now enormous girth.

I love that word... 'girth'.

[PaulS83 in reply to John_W]

I blame it on pace, being as well build as a 1980’s Skoda can’t help either. Or doing absolutely nothing to help myself. Part of resolution is to consider eating one fruit or veg a day.

[SeeJillRun Graduate]

Good to see you back, I was wondering what’d happened to you. You’re not the only one still lurking in these parts either! Having not run since December 2019 thanks to hip bursitis and sciatica, I now find I’ve put back on the stone and a half I lost, plus another half stone for good measure, and am looking forward to restarting now the weather’s finally got down to sensible temperatures. Good luck on Monday, I’ll look forward to reading all about it soon 😊

[PaulS83 in reply to SeeJillRun]

Ah, Jill, that’s no good. Sciatica is an absolute nightmare. Keep your chin up and stop eating those stones. I find kilos are much smaller and easier to swallow!

[SeeJillRun Graduate in reply to PaulS83]

😂😂😂

[StoneDragon Graduate]

Well done for coming back and restarting the C25K journey. Your post made me literally lol 😂 so thanks for that 👍 looking forward to following your journey 🏃‍♂️

[PaulS83 in reply to StoneDragon]

Thanks, let’s hope the journey goes the distance this time, although it m sure there’ll be calamity on the way. I can’t go the shops without having some kind of palaver!

[Bontobpat Graduate]

Ha Ha, I hope you stick to the plan...for your sake and also because I think your posts are going to be so interesting to read!

[PaulS83 in reply to Bontobpat]

They tend to digress a lot and nose dive into obscurity. Matches my running quite well. And my life in general, come to think of it.

[Wenderwoo Graduate]

Hi there,

Good to see you and your excellent wit. I saw the post earlier and thought aye up, he's back (I live in Yorkshire), and I must make some time to sit down with a cuppa to enjoy this soliloquy, and it doesn't disappoint. I'm off the wagon too - achilles problems, plus other boring stuff, but hope to get back to it soon. In the meantime I'll look forward to your posts, with the anticipation that they may end suddenly when that wheel falls off!

[PaulS83 in reply to Wenderwoo]

I remember you Wenderwoo, but not with that little graduate logo next to your name. Congratulations! Ah, the Achilles. If someone went back in time and somehow prevented him from clobbering up his heel, we’d all be fine.

[Jell6 Graduate]

I saw that you had posted yesterday, but knew that a 13 hour shift could not give them the attention that they demanded. I allocated a half hour slot in my morning schedule to see what you had to say, and I'm glad to see that you didn't disappoint.

Surely you exaggerate the weight gain? I'm now visualising an even bigger trifle (newcomers to the forum need to check out your previous posts)

[PaulS83 in reply to Jell6]

My problem is that I'm disproportionately fat. My head, legs, arms and chest, are all pretty slim, but I've got something of a tractor tyre around the middle and it's waxed from its thin 2018 crescent to a harvest super-moon that's now joined up around the back.

If I were ever to get divorced, the only chance I'd have of wooing would be at the local lido whilst donning an over-sized, cartoon animal shaped inflatable ring to hide to atrocity. Either that, or get in shape.