It's always been said that a gentleman dresses either to the left, or to the right. It's one of those accepted rules that the male of the species must adhere to, owing to protruding "lump'age" in the trouser department. This morning I ventured forth out along the river Thames to run a 7K route. I'd had a great lie-in (didn't get up until 10am!) so was definitely up for this mornings run.
I dressed in bright yellow and black and swallowed a glass of cranberry juice, along with a few dried apricots. Nature was calling so I dashed up stairs to De Lycra my lower half and promptly had a luxurious pee. I was ready to rock and roll baby!!
After about 100 metres, my usual comfortable clothing was beginning to get on my nerves. Mr Winky had decided to throw himself to the right, despite him being safely tucked away in the default "Left" position on leaving the house. Damn! There were people about. I didn't want to shove my hand down the front of my running tights and make the adjustments in case anyone saw me. So I said to myself "Bear with it Dan. You'll get used to it."
After a kilometre I was NOT getting used to it. Wee Willy Winky had to be manoeuvred into his usual position, so I chose my moment carefully to make the adjustment, making sure the following groups of people weren't around ;
A) Women and children
B) Tory MPs with a penchant for this sort of thing
It only took one second to do. A quick pull of my top in a forwards direction, a quick hand delving south, followed by a regrouping of the offending organ. Ahhhhh.....that was better....
2K....3K.....all going well........into the 4th........hang on? What the......Oh Jeeeeeesus Chrii........
It had flopped back the other side again! For GOD's SAKE!
Another lighteningly fast readjustment and Mr Winky was back where he belonged. However, two more adjustments along the route were required before I finally romped home to a flying finish in 40 minutes and 42 seconds. A very satisfying run.....despite the obvious handicap along the way. You can see my splits here if you like ; connect.garmin.com/modern/a...
So I don't know what the moral of this story is really - apart from maybe wearing some kind of jock strap modified with gaffa tape!!
Ladies, I hope you weren't too distressed reading this, but us chaps can be heroes sometimes, dealing with such uncontrollable appendages. That said, ....................I don't have over sized breasts to deal with.
Alright girls. You win.