Did you hear them? Did you? My screams? My howls of pain. My torturous agonising yelps of despair?
You didn't? Oh......
Well he came. He saw. He tortured.
And safe to say, despite the hellish experience it was worth it. He gave my right leg so much agonising deep tissue massage that I almost fainted. Mrs Dan sat and watched, cheerfully chatting away to Mr Physio (they are old chums) as I howled in pain from my position on the portable bed in our dining room. Apparently I haven't worked my inside knee muscle thingy enough. The outside of my leg - glutes - are as firm as a dockers arse and it seems I must be running a bit lop sided to compensate. He also advised returning to the podiatrist to get my orthotics adjusted. So another bloody fee to pay.....oh well.
But my leg screams were nothing compared to the noises I emanated when he moved on to do my back. I'd pulled a muscle on monday (stupidly, stretching!). He worked out that the majority of my lower back pain was coming from tight muscles in my extremely pert buttocks. Well, once I'd turned over and thrust my head into the hole in the bed, he started. Mrs Dan and he kept up their chatter, until suddenly he pressed his elbow incredibly hard into my buttock.
The filth poured from my mouth at maximum volume for what seemed like hours. It even stopped the conversation he and my wife were having. But he didn't stop. Oh no. He kept on and on and on. My howls did nothing to deter his focus. In fact he was laughing his head off, along with Mrs Dan, and I just had to grit my teeth and yell - "F**K" and "Thundercats" occasionally.
Then he moved on to buttock number two. Same deal. The hardest pressure, the most intense pain I had ever experienced. Ladies, I know you give birth and everything, but I really reckon I was within 1% touching distance of childbirth pain. I even heard him breathe deeply, steeling himself and preparing to launch yet another force of hell upon my withering buttocks.
Incredibly i felt amazing when he'd gone. I even went to buy Mrs Dan two avocados at the local shop after. Yes!! I walked there, completely back to normal.....ish.
So now I lie in bed, wondering how stiff I will be in the morning.
That sounded wrong......I mean to say, how sore my back and leg will be. we'll have to wait and find out I guess.
Thanks for reading. G'night, ZZZZzzzzzzzz
yer pal
dan.
Written by
danzargo
Graduate
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Haha! Only 22 emphasis points! Couldn't you do better than that?
Seriously, behind my wide grin there's a grimace of sympathy - honest!! Yup, I feel real sympathy for Mr Physio, having to delve into your buttocks! Haha!
Nah, Poor old you! And how we men suffer (most of us in silence, of course!) with pain far more severe than those of childbirth. Take Manflu, for example - women never catch it, so can never appreciate the extent of our suffering. Anyway, Dan, I hope you wake up feeling relaxed and pain-free, and can get out there and enjoy your running! And thanks for the laugh!
Thanks John. I really must try and up the quota of my exclamation marks. And you are SO right about manflu? Ladies will never know the pain, the suffering, the quiet agony we go through just to keep going.....
God you weren't there were you? Otherwise you may have seen more than your fair share of my derriere!!
I was always taught you should never laugh at other people's misfortunes but that did make me laugh....a lot..! I do hope you have recovered from your ordeal this morning and that Mrs Dan is more sympathetic to your miseries !
I got out of bed with the minimum of twinges and am about to go fro a sunny walk with my beloved. So it looks like it was all worth it. The pain I mean!
As Henpen said, you should never laugh at another's misfortunes but I'm sorry, but laugh I did. You shouldn't have made your account so funny! Seriously though, I hope it worked.
Wonderful post as ever Dan. Worth visiting this forum just to read your hilarious posts. I know from personal experience that massages can help stuff as I did something to my neck which meant that I could hardly move it. After my visit to the massage lady for sports massage I felt like an owl, it was amazing, virtually 360 degree head rotation, it really works
She said that I would probably feel like I'd been hit by a bus the next day, but no, in fact I felt fine
It IS amazing how much the body can take isn't it? My right leg feels like a tractor has done some forwards and reverse over it, yet I can still move it! Amaze balls!
Dan, my man, I know I shouldn't take pleasure in other people's misery but you've made me roar out loud. I truly hope that you're not in agony this morning and are more comfortable. I'm sure Mrs Dan is looking after you splendidly!!
I am absolutely bricking it !!! I am trying to stay positive and tell myself its a means to an end, it'll be so worth it when Im back running and leaving Jo Pavey for dust at the Great Manchester Run ha ha
Not sure whether to laugh or cry.. would it be rude to laugh.. would be more sensitive to cry.. sorry, laugh won!
Hilarious! But genuinely hope it work!
Take care dan xx
Lol, your posts always make me laugh Dan! Sorry it was so painful but glad it's helping :). There are definitely things more painful than childbirth. I'll give you the physio if I can have the cortisone injection I had in my thumb tendon, which drew similar expletives from my mouth even though it lasted seconds and had a dose of anaesthetic combined with it.
Ohhhh Dan, that sounds bad! A large G&T next time beforehand, might relax you, or maybe not! I had Boz rub my calf and that was bad enough, bought tears to my eyes and it was only 1 tiny spot! Feeling your pain in a virtual way, you should have got a sticker for being a brave boy! Hope its done the trick! Very entertaining read as always!
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Cr10 picture the scene...
