Did you hear them? Did you? My screams? My howls of pain. My torturous agonising yelps of despair?

You didn't? Oh......

Well he came. He saw. He tortured.

And safe to say, despite the hellish experience it was worth it. He gave my right leg so much agonising deep tissue massage that I almost fainted. Mrs Dan sat and watched, cheerfully chatting away to Mr Physio (they are old chums) as I howled in pain from my position on the portable bed in our dining room. Apparently I haven't worked my inside knee muscle thingy enough. The outside of my leg - glutes - are as firm as a dockers arse and it seems I must be running a bit lop sided to compensate. He also advised returning to the podiatrist to get my orthotics adjusted. So another bloody fee to pay.....oh well.

But my leg screams were nothing compared to the noises I emanated when he moved on to do my back. I'd pulled a muscle on monday (stupidly, stretching!). He worked out that the majority of my lower back pain was coming from tight muscles in my extremely pert buttocks. Well, once I'd turned over and thrust my head into the hole in the bed, he started. Mrs Dan and he kept up their chatter, until suddenly he pressed his elbow incredibly hard into my buttock.


The filth poured from my mouth at maximum volume for what seemed like hours. It even stopped the conversation he and my wife were having. But he didn't stop. Oh no. He kept on and on and on. My howls did nothing to deter his focus. In fact he was laughing his head off, along with Mrs Dan, and I just had to grit my teeth and yell - "F**K" and "Thundercats" occasionally.

Then he moved on to buttock number two. Same deal. The hardest pressure, the most intense pain I had ever experienced. Ladies, I know you give birth and everything, but I really reckon I was within 1% touching distance of childbirth pain. I even heard him breathe deeply, steeling himself and preparing to launch yet another force of hell upon my withering buttocks.

Incredibly i felt amazing when he'd gone. I even went to buy Mrs Dan two avocados at the local shop after. Yes!! I walked there, completely back to normal.....ish.

So now I lie in bed, wondering how stiff I will be in the morning.

That sounded wrong......I mean to say, how sore my back and leg will be. we'll have to wait and find out I guess.

Thanks for reading. G'night, ZZZZzzzzzzzz

yer pal



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60 Replies

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  • Oh Dan, you paint an amazing picture. I was chuckling there along with Mrs Dan and the physio!

    Hope it was worth it!

  • Thanks UR. I think it WAS worth this space.

  • Haha! Only 22 emphasis points! Couldn't you do better than that? :)

    Seriously, behind my wide grin there's a grimace of sympathy - honest!! Yup, I feel real sympathy for Mr Physio, having to delve into your buttocks! Haha!

    Nah, Poor old you! And how we men suffer (most of us in silence, of course!) with pain far more severe than those of childbirth. Take Manflu, for example - women never catch it, so can never appreciate the extent of our suffering. Anyway, Dan, I hope you wake up feeling relaxed and pain-free, and can get out there and enjoy your running! And thanks for the laugh! :)

  • Thanks John. I really must try and up the quota of my exclamation marks. And you are SO right about manflu? Ladies will never know the pain, the suffering, the quiet agony we go through just to keep going.....


  • I empathise with your pain - but you must admit it does feel bloody good when they stop!!

    I hope the relief lasts beyond the night and that you spring out of bed with a less lopsided vigour.

    Loved the post - as ever, your descriptions made me feel as if I were there.

  • God you weren't there were you? Otherwise you may have seen more than your fair share of my derriere!!

  • I was always taught you should never laugh at other people's misfortunes but that did make me laugh....a lot..! I do hope you have recovered from your ordeal this morning and that Mrs Dan is more sympathetic to your miseries !

  • I got out of bed with the minimum of twinges and am about to go fro a sunny walk with my beloved. So it looks like it was all worth it. The pain I mean!

  • Ha ha ha!!! Aaaaw bless!! I could feel your pain! But it was well funny! Sorry pet!!! Seriously though, hope you're feeling better today.

  • Thanks Lou. I love the way I can hear your accent in your posts!

  • As Henpen said, you should never laugh at another's misfortunes but I'm sorry, but laugh I did. You shouldn't have made your account so funny! Seriously though, I hope it worked.

  • Ah Jo. Thank you. You are TOO kind!

  • Thought it was next door's dog I could hear howling! Hope things are ok this morning Dan and you are able to get back out there soon!


  • Cheers CHRIS!

  • Fantastic post! Hope it was all worth it!

  • Well....I woke up! Does that count?!!

  • Lets hope it has worked after all the pain - just take the come back slowly, you will be fine for 21st without doing too much in between.

  • I'd better be c4ts. I'm already scratching at the door like a caged lion, trying to get out!

  • Fifty Shades of Pain........ouch!!!

  • As a film person, that just about nailed it!

  • Boy or Girl? :)

  • Wonderful post as ever Dan. Worth visiting this forum just to read your hilarious posts. I know from personal experience that massages can help stuff as I did something to my neck which meant that I could hardly move it. After my visit to the massage lady for sports massage I felt like an owl, it was amazing, virtually 360 degree head rotation, it really works :)

    She said that I would probably feel like I'd been hit by a bus the next day, but no, in fact I felt fine :)

  • It IS amazing how much the body can take isn't it? My right leg feels like a tractor has done some forwards and reverse over it, yet I can still move it! Amaze balls!

  • Great post. Reminded what I have to go through this afternoon with massage for lower back a butt. It usually works though so is worth it.

  • Good luck!

  • PS did your physio give you preventative exercises to do?

  • Yes he did. Hip stretches to get the adductors warmed up prior to running.

  • HAHAHAHAHAHA! Brilliant!

  • It wasn't! Hahaha!

  • I can imagine but your post was brilliant none the less

  • Yes I did hear you Dan. Kept me awake all bl**dy night with those screams. Didn't get a wink.

    Seriously though, I hope the pain was worth it and you're feeling not so stiff this morning. You know what I mean.

  • Thanks IP. Stiffness was at a manageable level. If you know what I mean....

  • Ha ha ha , Top , top post Dan ha ha ha :-)

    I always knew those pert little buttocks of yours would get you into loadsa trouble !!

    Cant wait for the next gripping instalment .....

    Hope youre feeling okay today :-) xxx

  • Thanks PP. Am pretty good thanks. About to go for a long walk with Mrs D.

  • I daren't look in the mirror at them. I'm sure they're black and blue!

  • Hahahahah :D :D :D So sorry... :D :D Shouldn't laugh :D :D .... HeeHee :D :D.... Poor you :D :D ....... Hahahahah :D :D .... Hope you're feeling better this morning. :D :D No mustn't laugh.... :D :D xxx

  • AM, go and stand in the corner at once!!!!

  • Haha I can't, I'd fall over!! :D :D

  • Oooh dear Dan. That news made me wince, grimace, screw my face up, eek. Rather you than me mate. hope you feel back to normal today. Ouchy ouch

  • Yes, feel not too bad thanks MW. Desperate to run again though....grrrr.....

  • Oh, Dan, I'm sorry, but I loved every moment of that!

  • Hooray!!

  • Dan, my man, I know I shouldn't take pleasure in other people's misery but you've made me roar out loud. I truly hope that you're not in agony this morning and are more comfortable. I'm sure Mrs Dan is looking after you splendidly!!

  • Flossie, Mrs D is the best. She even drew me my bath this morning!!

  • She's quite something, isn't she?!!!!

  • Ooh horrific stuff, are you out of bed yet? Hope you're not suffering pain and stiffness this morning x :-)

  • Oh come on. This whole tale has a whiff of Br'er Rabbit about it.

    "Please don't hurt my buttocks Mr. Physio, take my money, take my things but just don't hurt my pert little buttocks"

    He loves it really.

  • Hahaha! Hilair!

  • Am out of bed and ALIVE!! Woohooo!!!

  • Bet you're the first on this site to get "give birth" as a tag. Your suffering has cheered us all up.

  • And I'm a GEEZER too!

  • This year's best post goes to.........wait for it...........Danzargo for Screams of Agony. Yes, It's Physio time!

    That is the best post ever, sorry but your post was so funny. Hope all the pain was worth it.

  • Thank you vixchile. You are SOOOO kind to say so.

  • I agree totally, Vix . Very ,very funny post ! Mind you , I don't know why Im laughing, Ive got this to come on Tuesday .

    Arrrgh , Cue more screams of terror ! The Massage of Doom !

    * Runs away, squealing with panic and hides * :-) xxx

  • Be afraid very afraid.....

  • I am absolutely bricking it !!! I am trying to stay positive and tell myself its a means to an end, it'll be so worth it when Im back running and leaving Jo Pavey for dust at the Great Manchester Run ha ha :-)

    Eat my shorts , Jo ! :-D xxxx

  • Wow...sounds full on, but well worth it, and I hope the morning stiffness was manageable ;)

  • Not sure whether to laugh or cry.. would it be rude to laugh.. would be more sensitive to cry.. sorry, laugh won!

    Hilarious! But genuinely hope it work!

    Take care dan :-) xx

  • Lol, your posts always make me laugh Dan! Sorry it was so painful but glad it's helping :). There are definitely things more painful than childbirth. I'll give you the physio if I can have the cortisone injection I had in my thumb tendon, which drew similar expletives from my mouth even though it lasted seconds and had a dose of anaesthetic combined with it.

  • Ohhhh Dan, that sounds bad! A large G&T next time beforehand, might relax you, or maybe not! I had Boz rub my calf and that was bad enough, bought tears to my eyes and it was only 1 tiny spot! Feeling your pain in a virtual way, you should have got a sticker for being a brave boy! Hope its done the trick! Very entertaining read as always! :)

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