Did you hear them? Did you? My screams? My howls of pain. My torturous agonising yelps of despair?
You didn't? Oh......
Well he came. He saw. He tortured.
And safe to say, despite the hellish experience it was worth it. He gave my right leg so much agonising deep tissue massage that I almost fainted. Mrs Dan sat and watched, cheerfully chatting away to Mr Physio (they are old chums) as I howled in pain from my position on the portable bed in our dining room. Apparently I haven't worked my inside knee muscle thingy enough. The outside of my leg - glutes - are as firm as a dockers arse and it seems I must be running a bit lop sided to compensate. He also advised returning to the podiatrist to get my orthotics adjusted. So another bloody fee to pay.....oh well.
But my leg screams were nothing compared to the noises I emanated when he moved on to do my back. I'd pulled a muscle on monday (stupidly, stretching!). He worked out that the majority of my lower back pain was coming from tight muscles in my extremely pert buttocks. Well, once I'd turned over and thrust my head into the hole in the bed, he started. Mrs Dan and he kept up their chatter, until suddenly he pressed his elbow incredibly hard into my buttock.
"**CKKKKK MEEEEEEE. JEEEEEEESSSSSUSSSSSS CCCHHRRIIISTMAS!!!!"
The filth poured from my mouth at maximum volume for what seemed like hours. It even stopped the conversation he and my wife were having. But he didn't stop. Oh no. He kept on and on and on. My howls did nothing to deter his focus. In fact he was laughing his head off, along with Mrs Dan, and I just had to grit my teeth and yell - "F**K" and "Thundercats" occasionally.
Then he moved on to buttock number two. Same deal. The hardest pressure, the most intense pain I had ever experienced. Ladies, I know you give birth and everything, but I really reckon I was within 1% touching distance of childbirth pain. I even heard him breathe deeply, steeling himself and preparing to launch yet another force of hell upon my withering buttocks.
Incredibly i felt amazing when he'd gone. I even went to buy Mrs Dan two avocados at the local shop after. Yes!! I walked there, completely back to normal.....ish.
So now I lie in bed, wondering how stiff I will be in the morning.
That sounded wrong......I mean to say, how sore my back and leg will be. we'll have to wait and find out I guess.
Thanks for reading. G'night, ZZZZzzzzzzzz