relapse

[Bun9]

I don’t know if anyone remembers but I posted several weeks ago about my fibroscan results. Lots of lovely guidance and advice from you all. Thank you. I am in day 4 of a torturous relapse. I can’t believe someone who has such health anxiety can be so stupid. It’s been 5 and a half months of abstinence and now I’m back there!! Please if anyone can give me some positivity I’d be very much grateful. Hating myself for this relapse. Where did it come from??? Xx

[redpoint72]

Hello bun.First off,don't hate yourself, living with regret is not a positive thing either.

Not one of us perfect, remember that. Folk who say they are, are lying!!!. We each have are faults,and us that recognise that and admit it are stronger people for it,we know how to make amends .. Dont go beating yourself up bout it,just tip any alcohol down the sink,sling the bottles in recycling ,and say goodbye to it!!!! You have done well in your 5 and a half months abstaining, I fully realise not easy......been there, i never dreamt that I would be abstinent for 4 and a half years, but I have,if I can do it, so can you....

Believe in yourself.

Your question about where has it come from!!!!

In these abstinent years,I've focused my mind on other matters that keep my head occupied......and far better ways of dealing with lifes ups and downs, as that is when i was tested,also my regular daily walking.....

In 4 and a half years, I have never let my guard down,because it can and would take advantage of me.....but it won't again!!

A good place to start,is learning to like ourselves.

New day tomorrow, fresh start.

Take care.

Chris

[Bun9 in reply to redpoint72]

hi Chris. Thank you so much for your quick reply. Well done on your amazing 4 and a half years. That’s incredible!! I know the journey like any is not linear and has its ups and downs. I think because of my health anxiety ie thinking I have liver disease (despite my reasonable fibroscan results )has made me not take my antidepressants which I know I need and thinking it will harm me more. Pretty ironic really considering I’m throwing vodka and wine down my neck. I’m obviously needing strategies to ever prevent this happening again. It’s such an awful illness. Keep up the good work and your coping strategies are obviously working for you x

[redpoint72 in reply to Bun9]

Bun,please keep taking your prescribed medication, its important. I'm also taking an antidepressant, its needed to keep us on an even keel!!!.

Alcohol is a depressant in itself,doesn't seem it at the time,but is..

Have you asked about counselling at your gp etc?

I had some really great counselling, difficult to start with, it slowly gets better as time,and the weight is lifted of the shoulders .

The good work,has been extremely hard work at times!!!.

But in a far better more resilient place than over 4 years ago.

Remember you want to keep your liver in good condition 😀. You don't want cirrhosis like myself.

My best.

Chris.

[Bun9 in reply to redpoint72]

Hi Chris. Sorry for the delayed reply. I have been in such a bad place but today is day 1. The withdrawal is horrendous and my body hasn’t coped well as it wasn’t used to it!! I am starting my antidepressants tonight. I’m glad you had some good counselling and you have done amazingly well. I am seeing someone and who is very good. I am so sorry you have cirrhosis. Thank you for your kind words 🙂. Take care

[redpoint72 in reply to Bun9]

Hi bun.Don't worry for delayed response.....

As long as your sort of ok,although you Don't sound it.

Please start your antidepressants, sounds as though you are today,thats good,although it will take 2-3 weeks for them to usually kick in and start to feel the benefit.

Dont feel guilt and shame, i also felt it,but it certainly doesn't help, just hinders us from moving forward....you can do it. You have done well previously, away we go again.

Hope your drinking plenty of water etc.

As for the cirrhosis, well,it is as it is,I can't go back.

But remember you have a chance to turn things around, before its to late.

We can keep saying if only!!!!!.

But at some point a big change has to come,and we have to face reality.

Always some support here.

Look after yourself.

My best.

Chris

[Bun9 in reply to redpoint72]

Hi Chris

Thank you for that. Lots of kind and wise words in your message and I’m grateful for all advice from the msgs on here. I’m suffering with the usual horrible side effects from my antidepressants (hit me harder this time) but a much better alternative to the hell in a bottle. At least I’ve started them. I’m drinking gallons of water lol 😊. You take care Chris

[Onesmallstep1969]

Sometimes, Vitamin D helps to lift your mood.

[Bun9 in reply to Onesmallstep1969]

Thank you for this ☺️

[An1063]

hi there. My counselled told me guilt is the enemy of recovery and I remember it every day. After a chronic relapse after 3 months sober last year I had the same thoughts as you. Guilt and shame. It doesn’t help.

I booked myself into rehab and am coming up to a year now clean and am grateful every day.

If I can do it so can you.

Pick yourself up take the meds. As I do. And make a fresh start. We can’t change yesterday but we can change today.

Believe in yourself.

Take care

[Bun9 in reply to An1063]

Hi An1063

I’m so sorry I’ve not replied sooner. Thank you so much for your reply and well done on your clean year after such a difficult setback. It’s so hard isn’t The guilt and shame has been unbelievably difficult to deal with as I was doing so well I thought I had cracked it. How naive of me 🙄. Thats good advice from your counsellor It’s very true words. I have decided to keep a journal with coping strategies and triggers using the great advice from everyone on here. Thank goodness I found this forum. Today is day 1.

[Roy1955]

So it's 175 days to you and 4 days to booze!I call that a win!

It's not a relapse it's a slip up, a mistake, a reminder why you quit!

It's only a relapse if you stay there and wallow in your own self pity!

Did you notice that the alcohol hit faster on the first day?

That's because your body has healed a little while you were sober.

Stop now and forget the last few days, your not a drinker anymore!

If you've already indulged today make tomorrow your stop day.

Its "easier" if you don't start when you wake up.

[Bun9 in reply to Roy1955]

Hi Roy.

Thank you for your reply. That’s a lovely positive way to think of it. It was actually 6 days I lost to booze however it’s a new start today. It’s amazing how we kid ourselves that it wasn’t a problem 😫My body is reeling from the physical effects and yes it did hit harder. Thank you for your advice 😊

[Bs1524]

I don’t know if this will help there are others here who are far better placed to help you. I know this isn’t the same but when I wanted to quit smoking I found instead of saying I was giving up, I had stopped or I was trying to quit I said to myself and to others I didn’t smoke. It put me in a different mind set.

Take care x

[Bun9 in reply to Bs1524]

Hi Bs1524.

That’s a good tip. Thank you for this 😊

[Bun9 in reply to Bs1524]

Well done 👏 I’m pleased you managed to give up smoking

[Tommy62]

Dont beat yourself up many people relapse and I'm one of them I'm on and off it so I cant give you guidance because I would be a hypocrite it doesn't make you a bad person it makes you human take care

[Bun9 in reply to Tommy62]

Hi Tommy

Thank you it’s something I’ve always done unfortunately. I think we can all be hard on ourselves at times but no it doesn’t make us bad people. I’m so sorry you’re struggling 😟Please take care

[teletonetapper]

Good morning Bun. Please don't feel guilty - think of the positivity of the past years when you stopped. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives and, if they didn't, they would be a Robot!! Stay on the bright side and don't "hate yourself" - you can do it without doubt. Take care as life is so precious to us all.

[Bun9 in reply to teletonetapper]

Hello teletonetapper

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will do. Wishing you well 😊

[55spenc]

It happens to some! STOP now! Try 00 it will eventually have/give you the placebo effect!

[Bun9 in reply to 55spenc]

Hi 55spence

You’re right thank you I have today 😊

[Oldbits]

I want to say well done for stopping in the first place, realising you should and making that choice to start with. Knowing you shouldn't is a big step towards stopping. Forget yesterday, change today and live life tomorrow. It's just a hiccup or bump in the road. Forgive yourself. You can stop because you've done it before.

[Bun9 in reply to Oldbits]

Hi Oldbits

Loving your username 😆btw!! Thank you so much for your kind comments you’re right I just need to get back on that road. Day 1 so far 😊. Hope you’re well

[Dogbot]

Hi Bun9 I have always said when giving up it’s like a road to recovery and as you know the roads are in a terrible condition so there are bumps in that journey all you have done is hit one of those bumps, so now pick yourself up dust yourself down and get back on the road 👍. One thing I will say is it’s a long road but well worth it. This September 20 years sober and I was a true two bottles of vodka a day plus special brew so stop blaming yourself you have tripped. I wish you all the best remember it’s worth it 💕💕

Stay safe All

Dogbot 🐶🌈Dave

[Bun9 in reply to Dogbot]

Hey Dave

Oh WOW 😯 20 years is a fantastic achievement well done ,you must have had one hell of a difficult journey lots of bumps. Your words are very wise Dave as are a lot on this forum and I’m slowly learning my triggers. The comments are helping big time. Thank you. 🙂. Take care

[Corin1950]

Don’t beat yourself up just start again as others have said. It can take several attempts to give something up.

I don’t want to alarm you but there are 2 scores you can get from a fibroscan.

KPa measures fibrosis and yours is relatively low so not a cause for concern especially given your history with alcohol.

CAP measures the amount of fat in your liver.

You can have a low kPa score and a high CAP score as I have. Maybe you should find out your CAP score so you have the full picture. Especially as this condition is reversible by diet and giving up alcohol. It might help to motivate you to staying off the booze. I was a regular moderate rather than a heavy drinker and gave it up immediately. I got a lot of pain in my right side and lots of itching but both have practically disappeared. I’ve managed to lose a few pounds too and am exercising more. I feel so much better

Take care and good luck. There is plenty of support for you here

[Bun9 in reply to Corin1950]

Hi Corin

Thank you for replying. I wasn’t given any other result I don’t think the machine gave you a CAP score. My kPa was relatively low as you know. I’m still waiting for a scan maybe that will tell me. You’re right it’s not going to be easy to abstain however the outlook terrifies me if I don’t. The fatty liver can be reversed as you say. I’m currently attending a slimming group. Well done on making so many positive changes. Thank you for your support and advice. Take care 🙂

[Readlots]

Hi Bun, my Liver Consultant prescribed antidepressants to help with liver symptoms so take them if you need them x

[Bun9 in reply to Readlots]

Hi Readlots

I have just been prescribed some. Hopefully it improves soon 🙏. Thank you.

[jeqe2000]

Hi Bun! You're not alone you know. Maybe a little insight into where we've come from on this journey will make you realise you take one step at a time, falter a little then take it up where you left off BUT never look back!I sure have been where you are, and at one time doubted myself and feared permanent retrogression. I persevered all the same, and I can proudly say I now have a solid 28 alcohol-free years behind me! So keep on fighting!

Jeqe2000

[Bun9 in reply to jeqe2000]

Hi jeqe2000

That is a fantastic achievement 28 years!!! Well done on never giving up trying. I think I was expecting too much too soon tbh. It’s so difficult when it’s normalised all the time isn’t it? I will keep fighting and thank you. Looking forward now. Such great support on here

[Aotea2012]

Don’t hate yourself…forgive yourself. 5 + months sober is something to be celebrated. You’ve had a bit of a set back…think about what triggered it, consider how you avoid that trigger in future and then congratulate yourself for your wisdom and throw the bottle in the bin again.

[Bun9 in reply to Aotea2012]

Hi Aotea2012

Thank you for that. The bottles are in the bin. I’m going to try more positive thinking it’s the depression I’m afraid. Bought myself a journal today to record my thoughts/ triggers. 😊

[Chick_atee]

Start fresh and engage with some recovery support. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful as they say. Don’t let it win. You are crushing addiction by being honest, saying you relapsed on here. Addiction will try and silence you with feelings of guilt and shame. It does not like when you call it out and face the fear it instills in people to stay quiet. Don’t feel you have to do this on your own. Find the right recovery group/meeting for yourself. Support will help you tremendously

You can do this! 💪

[Bun9 in reply to Chick_atee]

True words Chick_atee. I am seeing someone at the moment and this forum is brilliant. Some amazing advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Hope you’re well. Take care. 😊. I now know I can’t do this on my own. I’ve spent enough time on my own Drinking 😞

[Chick_atee in reply to Bun9]

I know, I’ve been through that too. Glad you’re getting the support. Just not being a slave to it anymore is liberating and freeing! Living with liver disease it so difficult but at the same time so much easier to cope with without alcohol. There is lots of hope and people achieving results on here so let’s stay positive and keep going. I mean anything’s got to be better than reaching for that drink when every part of you knows it’s pure poison and you feel poisoned from it but have to have it. Oh man, honestly I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Onwards and upwards a day at a time! Keep going and feel all the better for it. You’ve got this.

[Bun9 in reply to Chick_atee]

Thanks Chick_atee

We all need support to do this no one could really do it on their own as it honestly must be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and is so scary. I love this site, as you said lots of encouragement and hope. Yes hopefully we’ll get there as plenty have on here. Appreciate your advice 😊

[mozlaw]

i lapsed with smoking for 2 weeks andn ow have copd because i thought it would help me lose weight .acting as a weight suppressant stupid .at least i reminded myself how much money i had saved over the years id stopped .felt awful but kept on with my steps towards another attempt at being tea total for a year .my fibrosis came down so i am concentrating on the pluses .i too blame myself part of my personality but trying to be positive and still counting the money ive saved .spent it on my daughters wedding and fixing my car .keep reminding yourself of the rewards health and money.thats how i get to sleep at night

[Bun9 in reply to mozlaw]

Hi Mozlaw

Aww I’m so sorry to hear that that’s such bad luck. I can’t believe how expensive cigarettes are now and yes you would have saved loads. Great news about going tea total too. I must have saved a fair bit too and that’s a lovely idea putting the saved money towards your daughters wedding and 🚘 I’m glad your setback didn’t hold you back. Onwards and upwards I suppose but is so hard at times.

Take care 😊