my partner died last year, and I never used to drink/ I just never liked it. I’m 40 now. I drank in my early 20s that’s it. But I started to self medicate and ended up in hospital with acute alcoholic hepatitis.
I recovered and have been 5 months totally sober. My FibroScan showed 5.1 and liver fat was in the under 11% range. This was in January
recently I had 3 occasions - separate days - where I was so depressed I drank. Not huge amounts but enough to be utterly foolish. I haven’t felt sick or had any symptoms and I’ve confided in family; but I’m terrified I’ve undone my hard work.
any support much welcomed.
x
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Ponylover85
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No judgement, so sorry to hear about your partner dying. You have done amazingly well to stop for 5 months. Forgive yourself the relapses, and don't give up on the giving up. If your partner could see you, I'm sure they would be very proud of you and be cheering you on in your efforts at sobriety. Its probably unlikely you have undone your hard work, but do keep on trying to look after your liver as you know now that it is vulnerable and struggles to cope with alcohol. You can do this xxx
I’m not going to judge you. I’ve been there with loss of my partner… it is an incredibly hard experience and we are generally alone in it. Even with support, when that front door closes for the night we are alone, alone physically, alone with our thoughts, our fears and our loss and that is our life… if we are vulnerable to drink why would we not reach for it. So no I’m not going to judge you.
What I am going to say is the solution to your problems and your depressive episodes do not lie in that bottle, never have, never will. You at least understand and accept this and that is a positive thing. I am five years into my loss journey and have learned much. How to make my world bigger so grief doesn’t take up so much of it and how to move forward in a positive way, taking my memories with me. It is hard being widowed, more so at first when the rawness of grief is at its most cutting and bitter… It does get easier as we cannot live that way indefinitely.
Time waits for no one and you will learn to pick up the pieces and rebuild a new world in this new life you didn’t ask for. All of us need to feel loved and have a sense of purpose and it is this need that cuts most after loss… pain, anger, regret and loneliness tear at our souls day after day…. This will never go away, but it will lessen over time.
There is a world and a future life waiting for you… it will be so much brighter than the grief you will have endured…. We are victims of loss for sure, but we do not have to make victims of ourselves though grief and at times through that bottle.
You know your future is not in that bottle. Your future just waits for you to grasp it, open that door and step out into the world…. Be loved, your partners grave is not the end of your life…
You came through the Hepatitis without permanent damage. You probably haven't done anything more at this stage. But you need help with your depression issues. Alcohol is a depressant, and it will only make you feel worse. It will latch onto your bad feelings and lie to you that it makes you feel better.
You didn't have an issue for most of your life; this is all due to the awful emotional trauma you have suffered recently. You are informing your family; that's a big step, and hopefully, that will render some support. Perhaps come up with a plan to change your life a little, a hobby or something you always wanted to do, some goals, etc.
Hi. You have admitted to your relapse which is a huge step. Have you considered going to your GP or a nurse practitioner to see if you can receive extra support from antidepressants and other such things? Stopping drinking is one of the hardest drugs to come off. Alcohol is everywhere in shops on TV social media etc. It is also socially acceptable to drink especially as a crutch. You have had a lot to contend with so please don't beat yourself up. Just start again. I have been so ever over 8 years and not a day goes by that I do not think about alcohol. But I remind myself of all the steps it takes to place that wine into my mouth and it helps me to not do it. But I also have a supportive family and husband. There are support groups available if you are group oriented, I am not, groups terrify me. But there are support workers and telephone staff. Most of all you have done great by being honest. I hope you get the additional support you need there are people here that care. So keep in touch xxx
Thank you for your lovely words -I guess I was so angry at the possible damage the relapse could’ve caused after such positive fibroscan results, hopefully nothing too much.
I’ve moved in with my parents so they can help me through it which makes it easier, and cut out any friends that are enablers x
I was just saying to my husband that it must be so hard to keep sober living alone, so I think moving in with your parents will help. I honestly think that if we put too much pressure on ourselves it just increases the stress levels and can assist in relapsing. I also think you are doing the right thing to rid yourself of enablers. If people love us they encourage us to achieve best outcomes in our lives. So you need those types of friends anyone else is actually taking from you. Do you have things to distract yourself. When I went into hospital 8 years ago my brother bought me adult colouring books and coloured pencils. I find it very therapeutic. It seems to me that you have taken such positive steps already and if you are worried about the impact on your liver, consider getting an early scan. But honestly you are doing great, so on the up x
Thanks, you’re absolutely right. I’ve started riding again now I’m well enough.
My scan was end of Jan and was so positive, I’ve had three occasions of drinking a bottle of wine since then- I don’t think they will scan me for that this soon, but I’ll arrange one for 6 months and use the relapse as a booster to stay sober for that scan x
Great idea. Riding horses is a fantastic way to spend your time. Such beautiful animals. Such grace and unconditional love. I have been on a horse 4 times and every one threw me off. The final horse was my friend's extremely massive shire and he too threw me, so I can honestly say horses don't like me riding them lol. Let your parents love you and look after you. Self care is great but nothing beats the love of parents. I am confident your 6 month review will be positive and reassuring. Enjoy your horse riding x
so sorry for your loss - lots here will recognise what you have relied on to get you through - alcohol can be a powerful source of support before it stops being so and turns our worst enemy
Don’t be harsh on yourself - as others have said here - rather, look for compassion for that part of yourself so deeply hurt and grieving that needs to be numb - try to befriend that part of you and find ways to nourish it - it is possible - maybe others can help - bad days and things happen - building a new capacity to meet them and overcome them can bring brighter times
Keep faith in yourself, grief takes time and hits at unexpected times, maybe see if you can access some grief counseling so that it helps you not to relapse, and keep on track. Keep twinkling xx
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